If Hashem doesn't want women like me, why did He create me?

amother

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 7:45 am

I am a mother with a personality that is dreamy, creative, loves being with children or my house in an unrushed manner, loves solitude, loves learning, loves thinking, loves giving over ideas. I am part of a society (and marriage) that values women who are: strong as a horse, great with externals such as dressing the kids, thrive on multitasking, able to transcend their own physical and mental needs such as sleep, don't think too much, don't feel too much, are comfortable being ignorant about that own religion while relying on men to be the knowledgeable authorities.

This is so painful for me, and speaking to therapists, rebbetzins, and rabbanim has only left me feeling more misunderstood and unneeded.

Where do I go from here?

FranticFrummie

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 7:47 am

The fault is not with you, it is with your society's expectations. I think you should find a community that is more open and accepting to people who don't fit neatly into little boxes.

Sesame

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 7:50 am

You might want to reevaluate your thread title. Your mere existence says hashem wants ppl like you in his world or the world wouldn’t be the same. He created you because the world needs you!

sequoia

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 7:51 am

Sorry to hear that 😢

I’m not part of a community like that and I can’t imagine.

You’re no less valuable to Hashem because you need your sleep and your space! Many people are introverts; nothing wrong with that.

If you want more intellectual stimulation, maybe check out this site:

https://hadran.org.il/

amother

Emerald

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:00 am

I hear you and felt like that too. Menopause is wonderful that way.
I think the solution is to focus inwards- your strengths and what works for you.
Lots of hugs.

amother

Mint

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:02 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

The fault is not with you, it is with your society's expectations. I think you should find a community that is more open and accepting to people who don't fit neatly into little boxes.

No. It is abusive to uproot children from their community in search of a new one because of your own personal ideals.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:04 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

No. It is abusive to uproot children from their community in search of a new one because of your own personal ideals.

Abusive? I bentch you that you never know the true meaning of the word.

amother

Peach

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:04 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

No. It is abusive to uproot children from their community in search of a new one because of your own personal ideals.

Depends how old they are. It's also not great for children to grow up with a mother who's deeply unhappy where she is.

Raising small children is very hard on introverts. Things get better in that regard.

And yes, there are communities for you, if you want to make a change.

imasinger

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:17 am

Definitely can be good to shift to a different community.

It's far worse for children to grow up in a home with a mother who feels unhappy and constantly shamed for not being a round peg, than to grow up in a different community where she -- and hopefully they, because temperament is sometimes genetic -- can feel welcome and appreciated.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:20 am

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

I hear you and felt like that too. Menopause is wonderful that way.
I think the solution is to focus inwards- your strengths and what works for you.
Lots of hugs.

How did menopause help?

Chickensoupprof

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:23 am

Look for different peers. I'm the same personality as you. When I'm at my inlaws in the heart of Prestwich and walk around I feel funny. I'm not busy with dressing the kids in matched outfits or do the latest frum styles with my clothing or anything like that... I pick on shabbos shabbos Pirkei Avos, Ramchal, Heart of Duties, etc when I'm there and I know that is something most women there are like frowned upon. Also, I didn't choose to have children right away so I'm more off...

I hope you find a community which fits on you, and peers who fit with you.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:32 am

You are describing most of the world whereas people like you and me/us are in the minority. Honor yourself and your strengths and look for like minded people and build yourself a validating network. We exist. Hashem Needs us and Loves us and Values and Wants us as we are.
hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Mint

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:33 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Abusive? I bentch you that you never know the true meaning of the word.

That ship has sailed.
Children need a stable religious environment. The mother needs to discuss this with a mechanech and Rav. You can't just uproot children that way. It's even part of the definition of legal child abuse.

amother

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:35 am

I have absolutely no intention of uprooting my family from their community. Hence my unhappiness, and hence my use of virtual communities despite it being frowned upon in my community.
And as far as the poster who mentioned menopause, that made me laugh, thanks for sharing! Definitely hormonal, but pregnancy, not menopause.

amother

Orange

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:37 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

Even though OP says she’s not leaving her community, in the event that she did, what makes you think a community she changed to wouldn’t be a stable religious environment?????

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:39 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

Would you say the same when a parent goes from BT and MO'ish frum to ultra yeshivish? It happened to my husband that he suddenly was expected to take on a levush and he felt really uncomfortable walking every day in a suit with a hat in Miami. Or will you say: Nah... that just a step forward this is allowed! If so you have double standards. If not, I find it a really heavy way of phrasing... and not at all imho a part of the definition of child abuse.

thunderstorm

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:40 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

I’m so confused with this. What’s if someone decides to make aliyah one day since it will help them feel closer to HaShem. Does making that move mean you are abusing your children in the process?

amother

Linen

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:41 am

The recommendations to move communities are assuming Op's dh is on the same page she is. And we don't know that.

OP, I agree. I think society overall, anywhere, expects women to be superwomen. All the speakers and therapists tell us not to, to get enough sleep and not make ourselves crazy, but we are still expected to get everything done, and do so in a positive environment for our children.

The artsy part is doable, but you have to have the energy to reach out and find your people.

ETA that guaranteed, there are thinkers and feelers around you. But many are buried under their loads, out of energy or time or both. Or they are doing their thing quietly. If there is a shiur you can get to that is text based or inspirational, etc, try to go. The women who manage to make time in their lives to get there regularly will often be people who prioritize some of the things you do, and you may be surprised who they are. Many may be significantly older than you, with less young kids, but you may find you really connect with them.

amother

Mint

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:41 am

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

Yes it is abusive for children and their stability to go from MO in Miami to Chabad in Dallas to Satmar in Williamsburg just like it is abusive to go from Belz in BP to MO in Passaic.