Was this reasonable?

amother

NeonGreen

Tue, May 17 2022, 1:48 pm

The right thing to do is to bring the meal to the door and not trouble the new mother to come out for it. Certainly, if she does come out, you don't make her feel bad for doing the right thing and bringing the baby.

That said, let's assume that the giver felt bad about the situation, which is why she tried to suggest that the new mother should not have brought the baby down. Because it made her realize that she caused some inconvenience.

She's not a bad person, and no one should be discouraged from bringing meals. Just be thoughtful about it. End of story, no big deal.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, May 17 2022, 2:23 pm

tichellady wrote:

Well then they shouldn’t be preparing meals. No one should be forcing anyone to make a meal.

Maybe only 1 or 2 meals or even no meals were signed up for in the first round, so a second call went around and she felt bad, so she signed up even though it wasn't so easy for her to do the delivery part. Would it be better if meal trains didn't get any volunteers or just 1 or 2, because people didn't push themselves to sign up unless it was easy and could be done perfectly?
(I'm thinking maybe it would be good, so some of the posters here complaining would get a bit of a reality check and appreciate those few people who do go out of their way.)

imaima

Tue, May 17 2022, 2:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The week after having a baby, when people were dropping off meals I got a call from the person dropping off dinner asking me to come down (living in apartment building) because it was hard to park. Got newborn bundled up and came down. She laughed and said I can tell you are a new mother because I brought the baby instead of leaving her upstairs (alone??).
I understand it's a favor to cook for new mothers and that parking can be challenging but this seemed unfair to me, to ask someone postpartum to get dressed and come downstairs, and then especially to laugh that she didn't leave her newborn alone.
Basically just venting. Unless I'm wrong about this somehow?

You did everything right. She is weird. Some people can’t provide help without putting you down in the process.
Did you even have enough hands to hold your food though?

amother

Midnight

Tue, May 17 2022, 2:45 pm

This whole thread makes me very uncomfortable. I can't imagine someone doing me a chessed and then criticizing the way it was done. I'm trying to think of parallel situations where the chessed wasn't done to your liking, or to the "optimal" way. Unless, I can understand, you specified that all meals must be brought to your actual door in the instructions, so anyone unwilling to comply with those instructions should not bother making a meal for you.

Trying to think of parallels like: When someone is collecting money and you give them small pocket change, and they start yelling that it's nothing and it's a pathetic amount. Is it better to give nothing if you can't give a significant amount?

or

If you friend is in a pinch and asks you to watch her kids and it's around supper time and you didn't prepare a fancy supper for your family, but they are eating sandwiches for supper tonight. Is it better to decline offering help because you won't be feeding her kids a nice enough meal?

It's a choice to accept other people's kindness. If you are so specific in the way it should be done, maybe it's time to re-think if you should be accepting other people's help. Because I can't imagine, in a world like this, wanting to do chessed, if I knew I'd be judged and criticized every-time I tried to help a person in need, if it wasn't up to the standards they had in mind.

amother

Stoneblue

Tue, May 17 2022, 3:13 pm

If I understand properly, someone spent hours making a meal, packaging it and then driving across town to deliver it. She then came to the house and couldn't find any parking. OP acknowledges that there is no parking.

What should she do with the food? Wait until OP's dh came home so he could bring it? Should she drive back in another hour when dh is home? Should she risk a ticket? Should she continue to drive in circles for another hour and hope that a space magically opens up?

It is totally safe to go up and down stairs after a baby unless there were birth complications (which OP would've mentioned). It was upsetting to have to bundle up the baby but if OP had a baby carrier, it wouldn't have been a big deal.

I'm not only talking to OP, but also to all the comments bashing the Chessed lady for her cruelty.
I think that if you cannot find it in your heart to be grateful when someone spent hours of their time doing a free Chessed, then maybe warn people in advance. I promise you that she made you the meal because she wanted you to feel loved and pampered and not because she wanted you to suffer. If she wanted you to suffer then, among other things she could've done, she wouldn't have made you the meal and shlepped it across town, only to discover that there was no parking.

amother

Obsidian

Tue, May 17 2022, 3:17 pm

amother [ Midnight ] wrote:

Your examples aren't at all parallel. Compare it to telling a young guest to get their own food a distance away. Should you just say thanks for feeding my child anything? Or giving a collector a coupon to a distant store.
And of course sometimes someone doing a chessed doesn't think things through and causes an inappropriate inconvenience to the one receiving.

When my husband was sitting shiva I got in touch with the chevra kadisha group that distributes chairs and siddurim and candles and other shiva objects. I was VERY grateful. The gentleman had a flexible job and was doing this chessed at his next break. I thanked him profusely but asked him to let me know when he leaves to go to my house since I was working and needed to drive to open the door. It was a very cloudy day. I asked him politely more than once and he reassured me he'd let me know. Anyway, he didn't and it poured and I arrived home to a drenched box of totally ruined siddurim, tefilla papers, etc... When I told him what happened he got furious that I was ungrateful and don't I know that he has a job as well. Like what?

amother

Tealblue

Tue, May 17 2022, 3:19 pm

amother [ Midnight ] wrote:

A small amount of money is less than a larger amount of money, but it's still positive. This is more comparable to giving someone a dollar and slapping them in the face.

justforfun87

Tue, May 17 2022, 3:28 pm

amother [ Obsidian ] wrote:

I don't know why this thread keeps bothering me but in your case that is pretty bad. A post partum mom is not handicapped and they are not (usually) in a debilitating state. Meal trains are a nice gesture more than a chesed IMO. Parking is unreasonable in NY and asking someone post partum to walk a few steps down the stairs is not a big deal. Why inconvenience the person making the meal so much? They already put out a lot of good will making the meal. Sure, if you are handicapped it would be an odd ask but why are we acting like moms cant walk down a few flights of stairs?

amother

Yolk

Tue, May 17 2022, 3:30 pm

I didnt read the whole thread, but having lived in a big apartment building for many years, I have never left a baby alone in my apartment.
And if the person couldn't drop it off she could have called or texted and asked when and if another person would be available to come down and get it or maybe asked a friend to help her drop it off (unless she was coming from very far in which case maybe there is more to the story).
I once had a meal train and someone signed up to being us food for shabbos, and then never brought anything over.
I feel like meal trains can be tricky because they can be so helpful when done right but also can cause a lot of difficulty and hard feelings in certain situations.
People have such different post partum experiences that sometimes you project your own situation on others- oh no big deal to come down, I was raring to go out already at this point! Etc while really the other person is having a difficult recovery...
Mazel tov on your baby OP and I hope you get the rest you need!

imaima

Tue, May 17 2022, 3:36 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

I couldn’t.
When I gave birth we usually negotiated beforehand what will happen. Whether anyone is around to pick up the food.

Heyaaa

Tue, May 17 2022, 3:41 pm

imaima wrote:

I couldn’t.
When I gave birth we usually negotiated beforehand what will happen. Whether anyone is around to pick up the food.

I couldn't after my first. After the rest I was fine, so much so that I didn't even take meals for my most recent. I think that OP should've mentioned that parking is difficult so please be aware and come with a buddy or come at this time so someone can pick it up.

Why is it the fault of the meal train lady that she didn't know that there was no parking. If she would've known in advance then it's definitely possible that she would've planned for it.

singleagain

Tue, May 17 2022, 3:53 pm

Heyaaa wrote:

I don't think anyone's blaming the meal train lady. But her comment when op made it down was a bit tactless.

And maybe it was just food in mouth disease... But a little awareness can help prevent this next time.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, May 17 2022, 4:24 pm

singleagain wrote:

I disagree, I think they are blaming the meal train lady that she should have circled for an hour (actually come early to circle for an hour so that the food would still be there on time- oh, and have a warmer in her car to keep the food hot and fresh) or that she should have parked 6 blocks away and walked it over, or double parked and gotten a ticket (not to mention all the people double parking inconveniences) or bothered her neighbor to abandon her family as well to come with her some someone could run upstairs.

Heyaaa

Tue, May 17 2022, 4:30 pm

singleagain wrote:

Agree... But to a new mother, one week PP... Let her have her feelings.

I let her have her feelings. I am astounded by the bashing on this thread of someone who did this Chessed for someone who she barely has anything to do with.

The lady was frazzled that she couldn't find parking and asked her to come down. I'm sure she felt bad about it. She said the first thing that came on her mind which sounds like she was apologetic because she didn't realize that she would have to bring the baby down.

BTW, I am not any of the ladies in the story, in case it sounds like I'm defending her too much. I have considered making meals for random ladies in the community because I know what a Chessed it is but I cannot find the time to not only make the meal, but also package it and also deliver it. and, to add to the stress, the delivery has to be at the most stressful hours of the day to be in the car and finding babysitters for my kids or bringing them along are equally annoying options. But this lady did make the meal even with all those things which make it difficult plus it's expensive to make a nice meal.

singleagain

Tue, May 17 2022, 4:42 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

This reads extremely sarcastic which is kind of unnecessary and a thread about manners.