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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Pool

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amother

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 11:21 am

I saw a few threads about letting others use pools so wanted to add my situation in. We have a pool that hasn’t really been used this summer. Anyway, a neighbor asked if he can use our pool to give a swimming lesson. We said yes since we weren’t home that day anyway and thought it was a one time thing. The next day he asked again so my husband just said yes because we wanted to be nice neighbors. That day however we were home and since it was a evening lesson I had to rush and clean up and take the kids upstairs since my kitchen window overseas the pool and the living room as well and you can see through so had to stay upstairs for that hour while he was there. The next day again he asked. This time my husb spoke to him and asked him what his story is and what was his plan since he asked originally as a last minute thing. He said he had another pool but this is more convenient (didn’t mention if he was planning to pay this other person) and that he’s giving lessons until the end of the summer everyday. My husb said it’s maintenance and it costs so he said he would pay to cover the maintenance of the pool. (No mention amounts or anything). That night was even more difficult since supper was running late and I didn’t get a chance to clean up or prepare lunch before the time he came so had to wait until he left an hour later to start which made my night start later. My husb said after he’s just gonna tell the guy no more or he has to pay. I feel bad asking to pay cuz it’s neighbors and feel it might just be easier to say it’s not working out etc.. don’t wanna either be the “mean” neighbors. Dont know what to do. We originally thought it was a one time thing, and asked as a favor. Had no idea he wanted to use our pool for free for his bussiness. What should we do. Any advice? Don’t wanna mess relationship with those neighbors either.

DrMom

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 11:28 am

He should pay you for the use of your pool.

More concerning is the insurance issue. What if one of his students gets injured? You could be held liable.

Just say no.

kenz

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 11:31 am

Just tell him you’re sorry but this arrangement isn’t going to work for you and it’s not about the money. It’s ridiculous that you’re unable to go downstairs in your own home and do what you need to do because your neighbor wants to use the pool. Is he even aware of that part of the situation?

Rubber Ducky

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 11:31 am

I agree that in addition to your loss of privacy, you could be sued if G-d forbid anything should happen to your neighbor or a student.

Nice or not, you need to say no.

amother

Electricblue

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 11:32 am

For sure he should pay!
And who cares if you’re in the kitchen or living room??
you can close your shades if you don’t want to look, and it’s not like it’s ladies swimming so it’s a tznius issue. Don’t make yourself crazy to take all your kids upstairs and inconvenience yourselves.

SG18

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 11:39 am

I'm a little confused about why you can't be in your house and do regular things while lessons are going on. Who cares that you can see him?
That being said, I would charge. He's charging for lessons using your space, it's appropriate to pay even a nominal fee.

jflower

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 11:51 am

Tell your neighbor that you spoke to your insurance company and that your pool cannot be used for business or swimming lessons. Zehu.

Amarante

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 11:56 am

jflower wrote:

Tell your neighbor that you spoke to your insurance company and that your pool cannot be used for business or swimming lessons. Zehu.

I agree that this would be the best way to handle it tactfully.

It is also true as any use of the pool even by friends or family is a potential insurance issue but it REALLY is problematic if the pool is being used for a commercial reason even if OP weren't the one benefiting financially.

While I don't quite understand why the use of the pool limits OP's freedom in her house I accept it as a given as I wouldn't want ANY strangers traipsing in and out of my yard and being in my backyard for any reason. I only want people who I know who I have invited and who I am interacting with to be in my environment. Even when I have people who are there for my benefit like my cleaning lady or maintenance workers I feel like I am trapped and can't relax until they are gone. Can't Believe It

amother

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 12:13 pm

Thanks for the replies. The insurance aspect is a good excuse and also imp so I’ll bring that up to my husband. For those that asked about privacy. The window in my kitchen does not have any shades so it’s open to see. Also, one of the shades for the door going out is broken so it only stays up, doesn’t go down. (Working on getting it fixed) I honestly feel it’s weird cuz they can see me (if they look) and they might feel uncomfortable, that’s why I went up, more for their sake. (It’s two adults) Im sure he doesn’t realize the inconvenience it is for me and maybe just assumes I’m upstairs at that time anyway. And since no one is using it anyway why would it be a problem. I’m just very surprised that he assumed he can use our pool until the end of the summer without even offering any sort of payment, only once my husb brought it up he mentioned he would but no amount or anything.

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 12:16 pm

Say no it's not working anymore. If these neighbors are decent people it won't affect your relationship with them. If they're not decent people nothing you do will please them. Either way you need to live your life on your terms and not on your neighbors.

Amarante

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 12:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't think you need to justify why you don't feel you have "free" movement in your home when a stranger is using the pool.

Honestly even if I were in your situation AND the shades worked perfectly I would feel trapped in terms of using my home and backyard as freely as I would be able to. So you aren't using your pool at that time - does that mean you might not want to step into your backyard and sit for awhile.

Also I live in a condo where I don't need shades for privacy but I do need them to block the glare of the sun in the morning when the sun rises. When my shades are down I feel very claustrophobic because I can't look out and see the sky or if I lived in a private home being able to see trees and my backyard - that is why people LIKE windows because having windows not blocked and sealed makes people feel less oppressed. And my shades when down are the kind that aren't completely opaque -- they are the kind which block glare but you can kind of see stuff through them. When I had older blinds that were completely opaque I felt I was in a prison cell when I had no view through my windows.

amother

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 12:31 pm

As @ Amarante said. Even the shades I have in the living area are sheer so you can still see through if you look. I bh bl”eh have a nice large backyard so it’s always open to see through. I do appreciate everyone’s replies. I didn’t want to feel like I was being mean by saying no more since we’re not using it at that time anyway and he knows that. I’ll have to tell my husb to explain to him that it’s just very inconvenient plus the insurance part. I can’t imagine he counted just on us since he literally asked the day he started if he can use it, that’s why we assumed it was a one time thing.

amother

Snapdragon

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 12:35 pm

I think this is so socially off...

I am a BT, these things dont happen in the non frum world. None of my neighbors growing up asked to "borrow" our pool, it seems to be more common in frum circles...

amother

DarkRed

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 12:37 pm

I would def say no.

It sounds really annoying to have to move ypurself and your kids just while he can use it.
For me I wouldnt do it even for a good amount of money.
Even if its just me home

Unless I know im frsure im out at that time.

Amarante

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 12:41 pm

I would just say insurance makes it difficult.

I have learned with pushy people who don't recognize boundaries it is better to not give too many excuses because they many will start arguing as to why your excuse isn't valid.

The reality is that the neighbor is pushy and doesn't seem to recognize normal boundaries. Asking to use a pool for a swimming lesson is pretty pushy for even once. But then assuming they have permission to use the pool for lessons every afternoon or even more than once is beyond pushy. This kind of behavior generally means the person doesn't operate under the same kind of normative signals as most people - they either don't recognize what is normal or they simply don't care. Because most people are *normal* like OP and her husband people like the neighbor get away with a lot because *normal* people just aren't equipped to deal with this kind of pushiness.

Don't give neighbor an opening by saying it is inconvenient or OY even suggesting the subject of rent money because then it becomes an opening to negotiate. And OP doesn't need or want the money - she wants her serene privacy.

Last edited by Amarante on Wed, Aug 24 2022, 12:44 pm; edited 1 time in total

imorethanamother

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 12:43 pm

How many more lessons is it? And maybe just tell him that he won’t have any privacy because you’ll be downstairs in your house.

Otherwise I don’t get all this talk about maintenance just because someone is swimming in it?

Personally, I would let him use it because it’s only another minute until it’s too cold to use the pool anyway. And it’s a chesed. But if your husband is upset about the arrangements then you have to consider his feelings.

Amarante

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 12:50 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

You really don't see the difference between a neighbor asking to use your oven because her oven broke and she needs to bake something for that evening and someone who runs a catering business coming into your kitchen every day in order to bake a cake they are selling?

Chessed would be if the neighbor were a Bubbe and her grandchild was visiting for a week and she wanted to be able to take him in the pool for a week. And I suspect that Bubbe would probably bring OP a lovely hostess gift as a thank you

singleagain

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 2:39 pm

amother Snapdragon wrote:

I've seen this kind of story over and over on Reddit .. both about pools and other attractive nuisances on personal property

Check out choosing beggars on Reddit if you're interested

Amarante

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 2:41 pm

singleagain wrote:

I've seen this kind of story over and over on Reddit .. both about pools and other attractive nuisances on personal property

Check out choosing beggars on Reddit if you're interested

I love Choosing Beggars as well as AITA 😂😂

singleagain

Wed, Aug 24 2022, 3:03 pm

Amarante wrote:

I love Choosing Beggars as well as AITA 😂😂

I'm addicted to aita... And sometimes I read a thread on here and wonder what the good ppl over on aita would think about it. 😂 I almost did repost a situation I read on here once... But I chickened out. Bc of their rules

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