How to stop the incessent parenting mussar?

Sarah143

Thu, May 15 2008, 10:32 am

People love to give me unsolicited (and unwanted) advice about my three year old daughter all the time. It seems everyone has an opinion on how I parent and disclipline my child. I don't feel I do this to other mothers. Sometimes I end up in tears because someone has told me that I am doing everything wrong and that my daughter is going to end up a delinquent. I think she's well behaved and her teacher agrees, so why do "friends" think otherwise?

Why is it happening to me and how can I stop it?

chaylizi

Thu, May 15 2008, 10:38 am

come up with some witty responses to past remarks & keep them in your store of answers. and then ignore them. people come up with so many things to say to rude people who say things like: you feed your kid too much, how come your kids are so far apart, or why aren't you breastfeeding him/her. it's none of their business. if her teacher agrees with you than she's probably fine. really, how do they know that your 3 year old will be deliquent unless they possess ruach hakodesh or some other divine intervention?

louche

Thu, May 15 2008, 10:40 am

I'm convinced there are two types of ppl in the world, givers and receivers. some are programmed to give advice and some are fated to be given advice, whether needed or wanted or not. you are apparently in the second category. Maybe you have a hesitant way of speaking or an uncertain look that advice givers pick up on their radar.

She's your dd. Unless your doctor, teachers or local police tell you there's a problem, nobody else's opinion matters. Ignore them all.

louche

Thu, May 15 2008, 12:17 pm

Tamiri wrote:

Why do you think they pick davka you to mussarize?

She has a sign on her forehead that flashes "talk to me! talk to me!"

Seriously, I think people give off vibes that say either "get away" or "you can get away with saying things to me." Why do panhandlers approach some ppl and not others? What makes a tourist ask one person for directions and not another?

Then there are the steamroller people who lecture everyone, including those who lecture others. It's my deep misfortune to know someone like that and my deeper misfortune that I always get into an argument with her. You'd think by now I'd have learned to smile, nod, and say "I'm sure you're right" while planning tomorrow's dinner menu, but nooooo.....

mummiedearest

Thu, May 15 2008, 12:41 pm

I think it's all in self-confidence. I don't get as much advice as I used to. now I get "suggestions." my usual replies are:

-I'm really not worried about that now, thanks anyway
-you can do that with your kids if it makes you happy, but that's not how I work
-I appreciate your concern
and
-thanks *switch topic*

if you get nervous when they start on you, they will continue to advise.

YOU are the parent. YOU are right. repeat this to yourself as many times as it takes.

(btw, if you feel any advice they give you re future delinquency is correct, I suggest you discuss it with a non-judgmental parent, not necessarily yours. see? I suggested Smile

)

flowerpower

Thu, May 15 2008, 2:25 pm

dont start answering for yourself why you are doing it and blah blah blah. thats a sign of insecurity. if u feel like u are doing the right thing then tell mrs noseybody that u feel like this is what should be done.

today a lady asked me why my toddler is eating a lolly at 10 am, she doesnt need it now. I told her that she had breakfast, asked for it, and I give it to her. period.

mimivan

Thu, May 15 2008, 7:54 pm

It depends on who it is and how it is given. I have a nieghbor who is one of these rapid fire Israeli talkers who comments on everything and is on to the next thing to criticize in the next second. I used to smile and nod, but there isn't time. (she is a sweet soul...a bit overconcerned about my active boys and their acrobatics)... I find I can get away with smiling and not answering, or making an excuse to go, or just letting her yell "assur assur!" and saying okay...she's a "type" It has taken me a long time to learn how to deal with.

It is tougher if the people are calmer and it is tougher if is family. My sister in law is the type to ridicule me for the type of diaper cream I use (she is a salesperson who works overtime, let's say... Very Happy

) Well, this is so ridiculous, I let her sermonize on the merits of baby pasta, (I hate that stuff) ...I see it is obvious she is insecure and needs to feel better about herself.

Then there are close friends...these are the hardest. If you are sure about your parenting and are consulting with experts or feel in your kishkes you are doing the right thing, tell such people you will "think it over." Then do think it over. Someone said she felt my son had a problem...well, turns out he did have a serious speech delay and sensory issues. I don't think everything should be rejected out of hand...but if it is bugging you, make some time to think about it or discuss with an experienced mother... you don't have to agree or disagree while standing on one foot.

If you are in touch with knowledgeable people it is easier. People constantly give us mussar for sending our son to a special school when he seems normal now. Well, he needs the school...it is none of their business...We just say "we are in touch with the experts." No need to listen to people who know nothing about the situation.

SingingMom

Mon, May 26 2008, 3:57 am

A few years ago I did a round robin over the summer with some friends. One of the two-year-old boys seemed to me to be displaying autistic behaviors. I am a speech therapist, so I was attuned to such behaviors, and I really debated whether to say anything to his mother. I finally decided not to say anything, for several reasons: I knew the mother well, and I knew she was very intelligent and the type of person who would be on top of such things and was possibly already getting him evaluated; and I felt that if I would bring the subject up, she would, though a very nice, mannered person, probably resent me for butting in and raising such issues. So I said nothing, and, a year later, she told me that he was going to a special program for children with autism. I felt vindicated, both for my suspicions and for my decision not to say anything, and in this case I felt I did the right thing, because of the outcome, but, as one of the "advice receiver" types described earlier, could it be I'm too tentative in offering advice even when it is called for?