 |
|
 |
 |
|
|
Forum
-> Vacation and Traveling
susanstohelit
|
 Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:26 am
Different perspective- I actually disagree with the people who say that the daughter has no right to be jealous that the whole family went on vacation without her. It all depends on how typical it is for the family to do a vacation like that- if it's just this year, she may feel that it's because she's "out of the way" that they were able to do it and she may still be, if not actually homesick, then just shell-shocked at how things are going on at home even while she's gone, if it's her first time away. (I FREAKED OUT when I found out that my mother put the treadmill in my room when I was in seminary... were they replacing me?! LOL you can tell I was an oldest)
That said, that doesn't mean davka visiting the daughter, though I do kind of lean in favor of it especially if she's not coming back the whole year. But either way, whatever decision is made should take all family members into account in terms of setting standards and precedents, as others have noted, and the possibility of your daughter feeling out of sight/out of mind.
I think it's also important to ask- has the daughter mentioned being in favor of having someone visit? Has she mentioned being homesick? Do you know if other kids are having parents visit- and if they're expected to bring their daughters on trips or to take them and their friends out for a fancy dinner? Because those costs add up too, so if you think there will be an expectation of that, either budget for it or make expectations clear to your daughter before you even get on the plane, if that's the choice you make.
Could you dodge the whole issue and just do a full family summer vacation once she's home?
| |
|
| Back to top |
 0
 1
|
|
amother
Powderblue
|
Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:39 am
| susanstohelit wrote: | Different perspective- I actually disagree with the people who say that the daughter has no right to be jealous that the whole family went on vacation without her. It all depends on how typical it is for the family to do a vacation like that- if it's just this year, she may feel that it's because she's "out of the way" that they were able to do it and she may still be, if not actually homesick, then just shell-shocked at how things are going on at home even while she's gone, if it's her first time away. (I FREAKED OUT when I found out that my mother put the treadmill in my room when I was in seminary... were they replacing me?! LOL you can tell I was an oldest)
That said, that doesn't mean davka visiting the daughter, though I do kind of lean in favor of it especially if she's not coming back the whole year. But either way, whatever decision is made should take all family members into account in terms of setting standards and precedents, as others have noted, and the possibility of your daughter feeling out of sight/out of mind.
I think it's also important to ask- has the daughter mentioned being in favor of having someone visit? Has she mentioned being homesick? Do you know if other kids are having parents visit- and if they're expected to bring their daughters on trips or to take them and their friends out for a fancy dinner? Because those costs add up too, so if you think there will be an expectation of that, either budget for it or make expectations clear to your daughter before you even get on the plane, if that's the choice you make.
Could you dodge the whole issue and just do a full family summer vacation once she's home? |
This is heavily focusing on one child only, with the rest of the children as a mere afterthought.
The other children are equally OP's children and their opportunities and lives should not have to viewed in the limelight of the elder daughter. When children leave the nest, or go away for a sabbatical year, it should come with the maturity and understanding that the rest of the family will not be putting their lives on hold. If a child doesnt have that maturity, this is a good time and place to learn it. Of course it should be done with the utmost consideration and handled appropriately. But it shouldn't mean that they can't have family trips and memorable events because one adult child has taken a sabbatical year.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
20
|
|
amother
Powderblue
|
Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:42 am
| Quote: |
Could you dodge the whole issue and just do a full family summer vacation once she's home? |
What about scenarios where there are multiple daughters in a row? Should the family stop taking vacations altogether because there will always be a child away in sem?
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
13
|
|
amother
Green
|
Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:54 am
| susanstohelit wrote: | Different perspective- I actually disagree with the people who say that the daughter has no right to be jealous that the whole family went on vacation without her. It all depends on how typical it is for the family to do a vacation like that- if it's just this year, she may feel that it's because she's "out of the way" that they were able to do it and she may still be, if not actually homesick, then just shell-shocked at how things are going on at home even while she's gone, if it's her first time away. (I FREAKED OUT when I found out that my mother put the treadmill in my room when I was in seminary... were they replacing me?! LOL you can tell I was an oldest)
That said, that doesn't mean davka visiting the daughter, though I do kind of lean in favor of it especially if she's not coming back the whole year. But either way, whatever decision is made should take all family members into account in terms of setting standards and precedents, as others have noted, and the possibility of your daughter feeling out of sight/out of mind.
I think it's also important to ask- has the daughter mentioned being in favor of having someone visit? Has she mentioned being homesick? Do you know if other kids are having parents visit- and if they're expected to bring their daughters on trips or to take them and their friends out for a fancy dinner? Because those costs add up too, so if you think there will be an expectation of that, either budget for it or make expectations clear to your daughter before you even get on the plane, if that's the choice you make.
Could you dodge the whole issue and just do a full family summer vacation once she's home? |
Why should oldest daughter be shell chocked? Because she's in israel for a year the whole family should put themselves on hold?
Freaking out because your mum put a treadmill in your room? 
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
14
|
PinkFridge
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 8:58 am
| susanstohelit wrote: | Different perspective- I actually disagree with the people who say that the daughter has no right to be jealous that the whole family went on vacation without her. It all depends on how typical it is for the family to do a vacation like that- if it's just this year, she may feel that it's because she's "out of the way" that they were able to do it and she may still be,
Could you dodge the whole issue and just do a full family summer vacation once she's home? |
I was thinking about her FOMO but this is the progression of life.
Waiting for summer won't work: there's winter break in winter and established family patterns and expectations.
I wouldn't go somewhere that the dd had always wanted to go but the family had never been to.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
4
|
Rubber Ducky
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 9:10 am
|
I vote for family vacation unless your daughter is having a really hard time. You will be setting a precedent for future daughters in sem. She's supposed to be becoming more independent (and at least in theory) is already having lots of fun and interesting field trips and experiences, but your other kids are still... kids.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
9
|
dancingqueen
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 9:14 am
| amother OP wrote: | | Its more about going and seeing with my own eyes that she is really ok🤦 (she will not be coming home for pesach). Even thou I sent her I really don't think its normal to send ur daughter away for a year.... |
If she’s not coming home for Pesach I think you should visit her if possible.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
Chayalle
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 9:20 am
I think so much of this should have been made clear to your DD upfront. A girl going to seminary in EY needs to know she is making a choice, and her family's financial situation factors into that (and not her roommate's family's financial situation). She might know that she is going for the year and her parents will not be able to visit and she will stay for Pesach. If that's too much for her she might opt not to go. She also needs to know that there will be many types of girls in her seminary, and like everything else in her life up to this point, her family will not be able to play into "but the Rosenbergs do it...."
The family continues to function (and enjoy their year) while she is there.
I remember when my oldest DD went to sleepaway camp, and she heard that we had all gone out for icecream and to the beach and she got all bent out of shape for missing that. I asked her if she thought we all had to have a boring summer while she lived it up. She agreed that we did not.
I see this in the same way - the family can go on vacation, do things that work for the family, while she is not there. It's part of life.
| |
|
| Back to top |
1
16
|
|
amother
OP
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 9:26 am
|
So after doing research last night it seems the only thing I can afford to do is go to Israel. If I go the miles covers the ticket and I have a place to stay, the only thing I need to pay for is some bus rides. If we go on a family trip the miles cover the tickets but I still need to pay for hotel and car rental. We really don't have the extra money right now. So basically we won't be going on a family trip (mayb will drive to inlaws and do day trips) and I won't be going to Israel b/c it's not fair for me to go and leave everyone over Vacation. When oh when will I finally have some extra money..... Mayb I will use the points to go somewhere with my husband later in the year, it will be cheaper b/c only 2 of us and would only go for 2-3 days. We could probably cover everything with the miles.
| |
|
| Back to top |
7
1
|
|
amother
Brunette
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 9:48 am
| amother OP wrote: | | So after doing research last night it seems the only thing I can afford to do is go to Israel. If I go the miles covers the ticket and I have a place to stay, the only thing I need to pay for is some bus rides. If we go on a family trip the miles cover the tickets but I still need to pay for hotel and car rental. We really don't have the extra money right now. So basically we won't be going on a family trip (mayb will drive to inlaws and do day trips) and I won't be going to Israel b/c it's not fair for me to go and leave everyone over Vacation. When oh when will I finally have some extra money..... Mayb I will use the points to go somewhere with my husband later in the year, it will be cheaper b/c only 2 of us and would only go for 2-3 days. We could probably cover everything with the miles. |
Why must you fly as a family vacation? You can go somewhere local.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
10
|
|
amother
Papaya
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 10:10 am
|
A vote for family vacation. Spend time with the rest of the family. She is doing fine.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
5
|
|
amother
Wallflower
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 10:27 am
| amother OP wrote: | | So after doing research last night it seems the only thing I can afford to do is go to Israel. If I go the miles covers the ticket and I have a place to stay, the only thing I need to pay for is some bus rides. If we go on a family trip the miles cover the tickets but I still need to pay for hotel and car rental. We really don't have the extra money right now. So basically we won't be going on a family trip (mayb will drive to inlaws and do day trips) and I won't be going to Israel b/c it's not fair for me to go and leave everyone over Vacation. When oh when will I finally have some extra money..... Mayb I will use the points to go somewhere with my husband later in the year, it will be cheaper b/c only 2 of us and would only go for 2-3 days. We could probably cover everything with the miles. |
Can you convert the miles to use as hotel points and take a driving family trip to a hotel? Flying for a family is really pricey. We don't do it often. But we do short hotel stays more frequently with points.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
12
|
|
amother
Crimson
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 11:25 am
|
Are you a teacher, or do you work in a school? If not, why woukd you need to go then?
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
PinkFridge
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 11:51 am
| amother Crimson wrote: | | Are you a teacher, or do you work in a school? If not, why woukd you need to go then? |
Sounds like it's a good time for family vacation for the kids.
Winter break now is very different from the old days when you took the kids to some libraries, a fun outing or two, and then bribed them with Slurpees to start Pesach cleaning.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
3
|
|
amother
OP
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 12:07 pm
| amother Crimson wrote: | | Are you a teacher, or do you work in a school? If not, why woukd you need to go then? |
Yes, I do work in school
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
0
|
|
amother
Calendula
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 1:11 pm
|
I'm still sad that my parents couldn't afford to visit me, and its quite a few years later.
| |
|
| Back to top |
3
0
|
imaima
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 1:17 pm
|
I really think that if your dh can stay with the rest of the kids and you have money to visit your daughter, you should do it. I don’t see the logic in not going because it’s not „fair“. They will spend the vacation without you but she is spending many months without you too. The concept of „fair“ doesn’t even apply here, in my view.
| |
|
| Back to top |
1
0
|
|
amother
Jasmine
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 1:18 pm
So have a special time you and your daughter in E”Y
Probably a treat for you to get away alone
Enjoy
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
|
amother
Powderblue
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 2:48 pm
| imaima wrote: | | I really think that if your dh can stay with the rest of the kids and you have money to visit your daughter, you should do it. I don’t see the logic in not going because it’s not „fair“. They will spend the vacation without you but she is spending many months without you too. The concept of „fair“ doesn’t even apply here, in my view. |
We are talking about an 18 year old adult child who has chosen to take a sabbatical year. Part of this equation is that they will be spending many many months without their parents and that their parents are paying a fortune for it.
It is not about being fair. It is about parents considering ALL of their children, not just one. The other children also deserve to have their needs and desires met. If a young adult doesn't yet have the understanding that the entire family's lives doesn't revolve around her, this is the perfect time for her to learn.
Obviously if there are well-being concerns thats a different story.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
11
|
|
amother
Powderblue
|
Mon, Dec 05 2022, 2:56 pm
| imaima wrote: | | I really think that if your dh can stay with the rest of the kids and you have money to visit your daughter, you should do it. I don’t see the logic in not going because it’s not „fair“. They will spend the vacation without you but she is spending many months without you too. The concept of „fair“ doesn’t even apply here, in my view. |
Duplicate
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
0
|
|
Imamother may earn commission when you use our links to make a purchase.
© 2024 Imamother.com - All rights reserved
|  |
 |
|
 |
|
|
