Desperately need help for my anxiety and my OTD teen daughte

amother

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 9:42 am

Desperately need help for my anxiety and for my teenage daughter who has gone OTD. While she's not doing any high-risk activities, last week she declared to me that she considers herself agnostic and doesn't believe in the Jewish religion. Ever since she told me, I've been struggling with anxiety and heart palpitations. Can anyone refer someone who works with anxiety, parents of OTD? I'm barely functional. I also need someone for my daughter. She has cherry-picked passages that she considers sexist or homophobic. Can anyone recommend a mentor for her? Someone deeply educated? My husband and I aren't Torah scholars so we're outwitted by our daughter.

dena613

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 9:48 am

First of all, therapy and perhaps medication for yourself.
You well need help and support.
Please find yourself help.

Hugs hugs hugs, I can't imagine your pain.

Second of all, ppl who go OTD won't (necessarily) go back on if they are given"proofs. "
They are acting on a yetzer, and want to excuse and do what they want to do.
I don't really know anyone who went OTD for purely academic and belief reason without any emotional or other component.

You can definitely try finding her a kiruv professional with lots of torah knowledge (like from neve, aish, ohr sonayach, etc) but it will probably make no difference.

Your daughter is probably acting out because of some other dissatisfaction in her life.

She definitely needs help too, but I'm not sure who is the right address.
I'm sure imas he well have much wiser words than I.

sequoia

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 9:50 am

You need to relax. She’s a teenager going through her process, that’s a good thing.

If I hadn’t told my mom I was an atheist when it comes to christianity, I would never have found Judaism. Same with other posters who will chime in if they want.

Independent thinking is a good thing.

The worst thing you can do now is panic because an intelligent teenager noticed the obviously dissonant passages and confided in you. Eventually she’ll come to a more balanced place.

amother

Freesia

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 10:12 am

dena613 wrote:

Regarding the bolded:
Teens don't go OTD because of their yetser hara!
Most of the time, they go OTD when they're not well emotionally or socially!!
OP which town do you live in? Would be easier to direct you if we know where.
I live in Lakewood unfortunately we have lots of OTD teens, fortunately we have a few organizations that can help!

amother

Brown

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 10:25 am

Also, I Wanna be the voice of hope for you.

a very close family member of ours struggled terribly. Drugs, otd, depression, chilul shabbos and worse... It was gut wrenching dark and seemed endless years. We tried everything everything. Every approach possible... It felt so fruitless and bleak.

Whenever we heard stories of happiLy ever afters it hurt because we just knew we were the "type" to experience that miracle.

Yet the miracle came. So subtly. Slowly. It is surreal.

Hold on to hope. Believe that the story isn't over yet... May you merit to reap the fruits of your hard work.

You sound like an intuned caring mother. With the right guidance the sun will start shining again. Bezras hashem.

amother

Tan

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 11:23 am

amother OP wrote:

maskparents.org
call them.
there is hope.
you will learn to go on living without the anxiety.

imasinger

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 11:34 am

There's nowhere near enough information here to inspire panic.

Many independent thinking people challenge and question at times. This can be a sign of strength. The fact that DD shares her questions with you is also a sign of strength -- a good relationship between you.

So, if she's not doing anything other than pointing to difficult passages, I wouldn't describe her as OTD.

Listen to her, validate her concerns, show her how you come to terms with these questions, while remaining within the Torah world.

Talk about the beautiful aspects of yiddishkeit that you've seen her connect to, and try to strengthen those.

And see if you can get a name of someone you can talk to -- or perhaps take a class in the chinuch of parenting teens -- and see both how common the situation is, and some strategies for dealing with it.

amother

Gladiolus

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 11:46 am

Congratulations! Seriously. Mazel Tov.

You have joined a very very special club. You are a member of the part of our glorious nation that can TRULY bring the geulah.

If you change your thinking you will see everything in a new and beautiful light. Here are some things I have learnt.

1. You think you are here to raise your kids. Actually they are here to raise you.

2. Early childhood is a time when parents learn Chessed. Giving out of ourselves to our kids. This is about the first 12 years or so.

3. When the kids are adolescents, it's time for us parents to learn gevrah. To HOLD back from trying to make the kids fit the mold that we want for them, but to let them discover their own path.

4. HaShem has given this generation a huge gift of many many kids who are OTD. You know why? Because the Bet HaMikdash was destroyed due to Sinat Chinam. 2,000 years later, we as a people have to been able to do a Tikkun on this. However, parents naturally LOVE their children. So it is much easier for then to love their own "crazy acting" OTD kid than it is to love other people who think and act totally differently to what they (the parent) thinks is correct. It is easier for the parents to love their own OTD child unconditionally because parents just love their children. THAT'S THE TIKKUN TO SINAT CHINAM. LEARN HOW TO LOVE AND ACCEPT YOUR CHILD EXACTLY AS SHE IS, AND YOU ARE *LITERALLY* BRINGING THR GEULA.

I recommend VERY HIGHLY getting yourself on Avi Fishoff's WhatsApp group.

Stop trying to "teach" your child. That period has passed, she is too old. Accept her and love her for who she is.

And remember, even if she is atheist, HaShem still loves her and is still with her and with YOU, guiding and orchestrating everything throughout this whole journey.

The more YOU fight against what's happening (which is all decreed by HaShem, so fighting her is fighting HaShem- not worth it!) the worse it will be. But the more you accept her, the more you are saving klal Yisrael.

amother

Cornsilk

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 11:54 am

If your in Lakewood call Nesivos
Also join a support group, that has been a life saver for us! The beginning of the journey so painful and anxiety filled but once you let go of the control that we think we have then you have piece of mind.
4 yrs later and can say we passed the curve and on the mend up. BH son in Israel in yeshiva that caters for him and he’s happy there!
I also have a few nephews that struggled/struggling, one that is 22 and not frum but still lives at home and respectful close relationship both ways bet him and parents.

Don’t know the age of your dd but younger is better in a way, more time to find themselves as appose to when already a young adult..

amother

Gladiolus

Wed, Dec 07 2022, 12:02 pm

I wanted to add- your (and my!) anxiety is also a "gift" of the yetzer hara. When we feel anxious, it is a sign that we are lacking in bitachon. We are not trusting HaShem and what He is doing. This is Okay!! It is showing us what we need to work on. Where we need to put in effort so that we can come closer to Him.

It's all going to be okay.

amother

Black

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 8:20 pm

This sounds so like my sitch.

Did your dd go to fruum schools?

If yes, where do you think she got this from?

Is she upset about something else and taking it out on religion/parents?

Call AMUDIM ASAP. (Imho better than TP/Fishoff thats meant mostly for drug addicts and kids who commit crime).

Theyre the best of all organizations that deal with kids/parents of OTD kids.

Staff treats people like family!

Likely nothing will change with your daughter, because theres no magic, but having them guide you is very soothing!