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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:27 pm
My DH has no practical sense for taking care of a baby at all. I do 99.9% of the childcare. Today I was taking a nap with her and he comes in and wakes me up and says he’s taking the baby to target with him. He also claims she doesn’t need to nap and that every time she’s napping I’m just forcing her to nap because I’m tired. He runs out the door before I fully wake up. I had a bad feeling (because I say her coat still hanging up) so I called to see what she was wearing. He is convinced a wool sweater is better than a coat . Turns out he left without socks on her in 30 degree weather, because he said he is just going from the car to the store. No coat. No socks . I am absolutely livid.
My mother keeps telling me I will lose the baby because someone will report us to CPS . I tell him things all the time but it’s like he doesn’t listen and I can’t trust him with the baby at all. The threats that I am going to lose the baby are making me crazy, I already work full time and do all the parenting. There is literally nothing else I can do, especially as my husband doesn’t listen to me
Rant over
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amother
Gray
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:29 pm
is he a very warm person? Does he normally wear a coat?
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:30 pm
He runs fairly warm, yes . He’s hardly ever cold
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amother
Hyacinth
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:31 pm
Typical husband thing to do. Not such a normal way to take a baby out, but fathers are notoriously clueless. It's gonna happen that he does stupid things with the kids. You try your best to explain to him why he can't, and try your best to be on top of things. Over the years he'll hopefully learn better.
Maybe you can have a loud conversation with your mother about appropriate baby wear within his earshot.
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BrisketBoss
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:32 pm
30 degrees? Your husband is right, no harm will come from being outside without a coat for a very short time. It is very sweet and motherly to put in the time and care to add a coat and socks, but let's not be dramatic and bring up CPS.
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Chickensoupprof
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:33 pm
Why does ur mother tell you that you will lose the baby because someone will report u to CPS? Only because of socks? Can't be right. There must be more.
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amother
Turquoise
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:33 pm
Who does he trust and respect? His mother, Rav, or Rebbitzen? Is there someone who can talk to him?
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amother
Gray
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:34 pm
amother OP wrote: | He runs fairly warm, yes . He’s hardly ever cold |
Theres your answer. He loves his child he just does for her what he would do for himself and he doesnt realize the normal way to walk out in 30 degree weather is with socks and a coat
its like the cartoon where everyone is wearing sweaters and the father says "mom was cold"
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amother
Aqua
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:36 pm
Op, I get why you're upset but really, baby will be fine! baby shouldn't wear a coat in the car anyways, & all babies kick off socks. I promise baby is fine!
Op are you Russian? Some cultures are known ( by my keen eyes!) To overdress kids in cold weather. Your mom may be used to that as the norm whereas that is really unnecessary & can even be dangerous.
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amother
Watermelon
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:37 pm
I do that. My baby almost never wears a coat because we don’t do coats in car seats and it’s definitely a hassle to just put on the coat to go from car to store to car. He also takes off socks at nearly every opportunity. We have a car blanket so he doesn’t get too cold.
He dressed her warmly without a coat. He didn’t wake you up to take care of the baby so he could run an errand, he brought her with him. Your mother is being over the top. Take a deep breath, drink your coffee, enjoy your hour off, count your blessings.
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amother
Pistachio
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:37 pm
The being clueless thing I can hear re the coat and socks.
But telling you that you're napping the baby just so you can nap sounds pretty nasty of him.
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Frumme
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 12:53 pm
OP I understand you're livid but I don't think you should be. He was trying to do something nice by taking the baby out so you could relax a little! But now by getting so upset you ended up not having that time to yourself AND DH might be less inclined to take the baby out next time.
No one will call CPS because your child didn't wear a coat from the parking lot to the store. If I saw that a dad was at the store with his baby and the baby didn't have socks on, I'd shrug it off and probably think that the baby pulled them off (as babies often do).
How old is your baby? Why is your MIL overreacting? I agree with the above that it seems like some information is missing.
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amother
Broom
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:02 pm
It's a dad thing! You can always tell after a mother's had a baby and the kids are being cared for by the father... cookies for dinner anyone?
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taketwo
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:12 pm
Your mother needs to keep her thoughts to herself. She seems to be causing you anxiety by putting ideas in your head. Nobody is coming CPS because your baby is not wearing socks or a coat for the few seconds in and out of the car. You need to find a polite response to stop your mother comments. I'm not good at coming up with those but something along the lines of "I appreciate your concern but this is between dh and I, I'd appreciate if you wouldn't comment on his parenting"
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amother
Beige
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:26 pm
Shoot me, but I take my baby out without a coat/hat/socks for 10 seconds while going from house to car. I keep the doona and blanket in car anf just cover her once in there.
It's not worthy of a call to cps
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amother
Snapdragon
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:32 pm
Please stop involving your mother in your shalom bayis.
Please stop involving your mother in your shalom bayis.
I can relate to both the husband and mother issue here. Over many years and many mistakes I can tell you - I don't win by siding with my family. That means confiding in them, listening to them, etc. Stick to your husband. Let him help you - was there a benefit to him taking out the baby? You say you were napping with her, wouldn't you sleep better just napping yourself? Even if his help was 1% it was more than him not helping.
When he can't help, don't let him. Take your baby with you instead of leaving baby with him if you have to. Look for his good qualities. But it doesn't help to listen to mother here, at least in my experience. And if there are things you like about your husband, surround yourself with people who will build you up and not break you down.
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amother
Antiquewhite
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:38 pm
My question is why he woke up a napping baby so she can go with him to Target.
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amother
Burntblack
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:42 pm
There's times my car is parked across the street and I'll carry DC to the car without a coat on. Instead of putting it on and then taking it off in the car again
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amother
Honey
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 2:14 pm
There sounds like there's some undercurrents here which may be part of a larger picture. My dh is also clueless about a lot of parenting, but if he rarely does it, it makes sense he doesn't know things that I would take for granted.
When you say your dh doesn't listen, how are you communicating that to him?
If I say to dh, 'I really appreciate you taking dd out, it was really nice having a break. I worry about her not being warm enough, so next time, I think could you take her coat to make me feel better.'
Rather than 'why didn't you take her coat? It's much too cold for her to be out without her coat. Besides she was supposed to be sleeping and now it's going to mess up her whole bedtime routine!'
Isn't he more likely to tune out the rant and be more likely to listen to a calm conversation where he felt appreciated?
I know my dh struggles with his confidence and part of my job as joint parent is to ease off my way and let him find his own feet as a parent. If I'm standing over his shoulder and always pointing out the ways he's inadequate and doing a poor job, he's never going to develop the confidence to want to be a parent and to take on more responsibility.
We are different personalities and we parent slightly differently and I've come to accept that his way is also valid and to just sit back and let him do it his way. It's not only my way and that's the only way. Holding too tight to things have to happen the way I want, well then I will be doing all the childcare. Letting him do things his way, and letting go if it didn't happen exactly as you would have done it, it's okay.
I'm more concerned about why your mother is saying you will lose the baby. Are you complaining too much to her about him? Respect him for who he is and don't involve your mother. Why should you lose your baby? Unless there's some serious abuse, it's unlikely to happen.
I assume this is your first child. It takes time to learn what a parent looks like and how to find your way in parenting. He may still be finding his feet and not understand some of the basics of childcare.
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gr82no
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 3:24 pm
Do u ask him for help and complain he’s not helping? Maybe he feels he’s being helpful taking the baby to target
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