Rosh Chodesh Sivan hurts my heart

imasinger

Fri, May 19 2023, 7:56 am

Every year, I try to say Tefilas haShlah, with kavana.

Every day of the year, I try to give what I can to help my children -- therapy, patience, time.

Then comes the next year, and for some of my kids, little or nothing has changed.

It hurts.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is more for parents with neurotypical kids.

amother

Lightblue

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:14 am

I felt a lot of what you are feeling.

I thought by this year at least one of my older daughters 21-25 would be married.

I thought maybe I'd be close to becoming a bubby.

I thought my oldest son would be going to beis midrash next year.

I thought many things that didn't happen.

Instead not even one of my daughters is close to even getting married.

Obviously not becoming a bubby any time soon.

And my son? He's been struggling with major anxiety and OCD that I didn't even know about a year ago. It was triggered by the way my husband was learning with him and yelling at him throughout. My son can't learn, can't daven, can't even say shema and put on tefilin. The anxiety stems way beyond anything religious. But it was initially triggered by my husband. I am so sad that my husband was the initial cause. It was so hard to daven for his learning when I know he can't. Instead of spending the year figuring out yeshiva, we've spent the year at doctors, therapist and psychiatrists.

However, I said the tefilah. Davened for my older 5 plus my younger ones.

I'm grateful my daughters have good jobs.
I'm grateful my son never jumped out a window. Maybe he'll never go to yeshiva. I don't even care. I have him.

amother

Almond

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:25 am

So, so much.

Have you seen the pre Yom Kippur tefillah for parents of kids with disabilities? I don't know how to post a picture here, but it talks among other things about having our kids find favor in other people's eyes as they are, and about giving us the strength to be their parents and do our best. I know a lot of people who say it on Rosh Chodesh Sivan too.

subee

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:32 am

Imasinger, I really look up to you, you are an amazing mother. I have some similar struggles and I have learned a lot just from reading your posts here. I am also very down lately. I hope we both see major positive changes in our children beH soon!

subee

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:34 am

amother Lightblue wrote:

Did you rule out pandas?

bigsis144

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:36 am

imasinger wrote:

What hurt for me was also comparing what the Shlah requests to all the things I have already let go of.

I had to do a lot of inner work to let go of my expectations and dreams, and to focus on what my child needs in the moment, and celebrate things that other people might not notice, or even find disappointing, because they don’t see the whole picture.

Who am I to know if being a “master of Talmud” is even something my child needs? Am I allowed to believe that this tefila was written as a “one size fits all” blanket and I can let the scar in my heart continue healing? Or do I need to rip it open again, as this tefila is a reminder of what my personal, individual priorities should be, and what I should never ever stop demanding?

Ughhhh

Last edited by bigsis144 on Fri, May 19 2023, 9:56 am; edited 1 time in total

imasinger

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:41 am

amother Almond wrote:

I haven't seen it. If you or someone else can post it, I'd appreciate it, thanks!

imasinger

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:41 am

subee wrote:

Amen!

imasinger

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:02 am

bigsis144 wrote:

What hurt for me was also comparing what the Shlah requests to all the things I have already let go of.

I had to do a lot of inner work to let go of my expectations and dreams, and to focus on what my child needs in the moment, and celebrate things that other people might not notice, or even find disappointing, because they don’t see the whole picture.

Who am I to know if being a “master of Talmud” is even something my child needs? Am I allowed to believe that this tefila was written “one size fits all” and I can let the scar in my heart continue healing? Or do I need to rip it open again, as this tefila is a reminder of my priorities and what I should never ever stop demanding?

Ughhhh

This, exactly. Thank you for wording it so well.

amother

Acacia

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:34 am

I'm sending lots of hugs and love your way, imasimger. 2/3 of my kids have special needs. I didn't hear about this tefila until this year but I'm probably not going to say it. I have shut out my dreams and focus very hard on taking care of the children hashem entrusted into my care. I was picked for this job that no one wants. I want to be able to say after 120 that I cared for and cherished hashems gifts to me in the best way possible. I'm not owed nachas or grandchildren or an easy life although I want it so badly it hurts. I try to focus instead on the joy and love they give me in the short term. The feelings come and go though. Everytime there is a life milestone my kids don't reach the bad feelings come back hard. Thank you for posting all these years imasimger, I get a lot of chizzuk from your posts because I think my children are a bit younger than yours. My son's school gave out the yom kippur tefila for the parents earlier in the year and it was very moving for me to say.
My kids disabilities aren't both the same and I find the one who is more "high functioning" is harder for me to come to terms with. It's taking me so long to stop the thoughts that if only he would care more or try harder or if only I had the right treatment, he could be "normal" I am realizing that it's just not true. His disability is baked into his brain.

amother

Sage

Fri, May 19 2023, 10:21 am

Imasinger,

The fact that you try every year to say this Tefillah in the first place is a great thing but that you actually try and put meaning into your Tefillah is special.

Just as you give your children therapy, patience, time and I am sure a lot more in addition, you also give your thought out advice and understanding to so many Ima's here. The fact that you can put aside your own pain and difficulties and be so supportive to everyone here shows incredible strength and IY"H you will get the Kochos you need and Hashem will guide you with the right route to take to ease the challenges you have to face on a daily basis.

Hugs and Hatzlocho.

amother

Burntblack

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:47 am

gibberish wrote:

Is today the day to say it or was it yesterday?

Yesterday- but I said it today, and I’m sure it still counts. Probably counts any day of the year.
I’m also one of those mothers hoping my broken children will be quickly healed, and that the words of this Tefilla will apply much more to my home, one day very soon..
And yes, the Tefilla for special needs children also applies to me; hopefully I’ll find my copy today.

DreamerForever

Fri, May 19 2023, 12:44 pm

Imasinger, and all you other mothers with challenging and challenged kids: I just want to say how much this thread moved me, and that I think you are all so brave.

Raising a family of 'regular' kids is challenging enough! This must be so difficult to deal with both practically, emotionally and spiritually.

I am positive that the rewards you will get for nurturing and working so hard to accept these children is huge. Hashem sees all those efforts regardless of the outcome- but you are so strong to continue giving without seeing it yourselves. Salut

I just said Tefillas hashloh and had you all in mind.