Do newlyweds send out thank you cards anymore?

amother

Stonewash

Fri, Jun 23 2023, 7:43 pm

I think the concept of it must be a card is silly. I think if you didn’t thank in person when they handed it to you or send a text then you can write a card. But I don’t understand why all the people that were thanked when they handed it over, or who I spoke to in text since and I mentioned it, need another thank you.

amother

Dill

Fri, Jun 23 2023, 7:46 pm

flowerpower wrote:

It is. But people don’t do that either. People here argue that it’s fine not so say a verbal thank you or send a quick text. They are too busy to be polite.

I gave a baby present to a friend recently. She texted me a profuse thank you. If she went out after a new baby to get me a card and had to mail it, I would be shocked. You thanked me already.

amother

Purple

Fri, Jun 23 2023, 8:19 pm

I wrote handwritten and personalized cards. I wrote how the blender/knives/whatever would be so useful. Same with new baby gifts.
But I don't hold that it has to be a paper card and handwritten. A text or email would suffice as long as it isn't a mass text to 42 people I don't know or so super generic they may have sent it to anyone.
Now that my kids are old enough to write cards, I try to have them write a card or a picture thanking the person. When they are 7 it can be 1 sentence "Dear Aunt Rivka thank you for the gift. Love Chani". But when someone is 22 they should put at least a drop of effort.

shabbatiscoming

Sat, Jun 24 2023, 2:17 pm

amother DarkRed wrote:

It's not about right and wrong, it's about being dan lkaf zchus. Like many, I had an enormous amount of stress right after my wedding and I came down with some form of mono (likely caused by stress). I didn't get to all the thank you cards right away (I was working more than full time as well) and my MIL let me know how disappointed she and her friends were. Well, that left a really bitter taste in my mouth. I felt like saying - if you really feel that way, you can take back the gift, I don't want it! If you're sending a gift with strings attached, I don't want your gift.

I do have hakaras hatov and I do have the concept- I actually wrote all the thank you cards for my brother at his bar mitzvah and I helped my mother write thank you cards after the birth of my brother.

But I was single and had the time. I didnt realize how overwhelming married life - working full time, newly married, pregnant - would be.

I think that everyone should be dan lkaf zchus- it's a lot of changes and the kallah may just be overwhelmed!

After your wedding, why couldnt your husband do it? Im sorry you were sick, that could not have been fun as a new wife.

shabbatiscoming

Sat, Jun 24 2023, 2:21 pm

We got married in america and then a few weeks later went back to Israel (where we met and lived). I remember asking my parents for the entire guest list, which had addresses for everyone, so that after we returned home we could BOTH work on this.

SO even though I just asked the previous poster, this is not something that has to only be the wife's job. Husband and wife should get on this as soon as it is possible. It is just common decency, in my opinion.

amother

Tuberose

Sat, Jun 24 2023, 10:06 pm

My husband didn’t want to send out thank you cards. He said we can call people to thank them but you wish we ever did. He was so karg when we got married he didn’t want to spend any money on anything even thank you cards and stamps

amother

DarkRed

Sat, Jun 24 2023, 10:21 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

After your wedding, why couldnt your husband do it? Im sorry you were sick, that could not have been fun as a new wife.

Totally agree!!!! I was fuming that this was my job. I don't know why it was all on me... he was in kollel and had plenty of free time. Wink

Adding insult to injury was how my MIL blamed ME, but of course that's life, everyone blames the woman. It's all on her, and everything is always her fault.

amother

Apple

Sun, Jun 25 2023, 12:42 am

I wrote thank you cards as a newlywed and after all my babies (I’m BH blessed with a large family ). I made my kids write ty cards after their bat/bar mitzvah , I ordered special personalized cards for them to make it special. Even my son who’s bar mitzvah 2020 was canceled due to covid lockdowns , wrote a measly few thank you cards to the few very kind people who sent a sad bar mitzvah boy gifts even though there was no public celebration. So obviously I’m a huge proponent of ty cards. BUT my dd got married recently , due to childhood issues it is very difficult for her to write neatly, in addition to how busy she is adjusting to new married life and housekeeping (she does not live near me , the couple is on their own), so she has not yet sent out ty cards and I don’t know when /if /how many she will be able to. So sometimes there are circumstances which stand in the way of writing ty cards, even if you feel strongly about it. (I’m actually wondering if I should write the ty cards for her ?? I don’t want to , I have many other things I have to do…)

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Jun 25 2023, 12:47 am

I carefully wrote down all of the gifts received in a notebook until I managed to buy cards and stamps.

And then somehow lost the notebook.

I still feel terrible, and I'm married well over a decade.

amother

Aconite

Sun, Jun 25 2023, 1:38 am

My daughter just got married recently and she wrote WhatsApp messages to people. I would say that 99% of the people that gave gifts also had what’s up. Or maybe two people that didn’t, and she called them to thank them. We live in Israel where there’s a high chance that they won’t actually get the mail if they put it in the mail. Nobody emails anything Israel! I got quite a few messages from people saying that they have never gotten any sort of thank you in any sort of form and they were super impressed and appreciative! My son got married several years ago and he also sent thinking us over WhatsApp and people were also shocked and extremely appreciative. I mean I sent all my invitations by WhatsApp or email, so I don’t see writing thinking it would be any different. I didn’t even print out a one invitation.

juggling

Sun, Jun 25 2023, 2:12 am

amother OP wrote:

Curious what world you are in? Smile

Where do you live etc

Israel, MO. I can't remember the last time I got a paper invitation to anything. Wedding invitations are sent on paperless post or another online service.

Thank you cards TBH were never a part of the culture here. But if ten years ago people would have wanted to send them, they would have used the mail. Nowadays anyone who wants to send a thank you does it by WhatsApp.

amother

Begonia

Sun, Jun 25 2023, 5:17 am

amother NeonBlue wrote:

I also did this and also still feel terrible. Married 17 years. Hopefully by decade #3 I'll have gotten over it LOL

ora_43

Sun, Jun 25 2023, 5:27 am

Cheiny wrote:

It’s never okay. It just seems that lack of manners and basic menshlichkeit have become normalized. It’s sad.

Manners differ by community. Things that are normal in Community A are viewed as rude in Community B and vice versa.

It's silly to attribute it to bad middot. People with the best of middot are still going to do what their community views as well-mannered. Eg Israelis aren't going to write thank-you cards because, as others said, it would be viewed as odd to do anything by physical mail.

amother

Cantaloupe

Sun, Jun 25 2023, 6:39 am

I don't care how you thank me - letter, email, phone call or personally - but sometimes I send a gift in the mail or through a website and I just want to know that you got it. I've had instances where I've said to someone - by the way, I just want to make sure you got the gift I sent because I'm nervous about the mail - and 1. they never got it, and through research, I found that it went to the wrong address or 2. they said - you sent that? we were looking and looking for a gift card, but the company must have forgotten to include it - and they were so glad that I said something. So it's not that I need the thank you (which I still think is the right thing to do), it's that I want you to know that I was thinking about you, and if the gift is never acknowledged, I have no idea if you received it or not.
As for people saying they were too overwhelmed etc., I truly believe that unless there are absolutely extenuating circumstances, you make time for what you want to make time for. Please don't tell me that your life stopped in every other way. And if writing thank yous is a value to you, you will find the time for it, even if you have do one a day.