DD8 says everyone hates her, she hasn't got a "best friend"

amother

Sun, Aug 13 2023, 2:55 pm

Most of the girls in her class have a friend they call for play dates. She is a outgoing child who loves playing outside with neighbors. Shes smart, and friendly but she hasn't got one "best friend" yet. The reason I put "best friends" in quotation is because I know at this age they change and make friends all the time, but comparing her to other kids her age, they all seem to have at least one girl they associate themselves with...
Another thing that makes me so sad to hear, is when she says malky, hates me or I know I wont have any new friends this year... It breaks my heart!
What can I as a mom tell her, I would love to give her the tools to know how to make and maintain a friend and be confident.
The problem is that on the outside shes a confident kid, I sometimes watch her talking to the neighbors she seems happy and ok with them, but why are they not drawn to her? why are they not asking her to join their game, they allow her to join when she asks, but I feel like they dont want/need her...

amother

Midnight

Sun, Aug 13 2023, 3:25 pm

The whole "best friend" concept is often exclusionary in a young child. If there is a group of friends she plays with- she simply has more choices. If there is a "fight" (and there will be) she is stuck. Encourage the group of friends, who will have her back, so to speak and allow her to circulate not isolate.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Aug 13 2023, 4:26 pm

Ask her if there’s something she’d like that would help her fit in. It can be taking along a special snack or a small game or toy in her knapsack or buying her something you see other girls in the neighborhood wearing whether it’s a tee shirt or a cute piece of fake jewelry. We’re not supposed to care about externals but little kids do. If you see she’s not into it don’t push it on her but if the interest comes from her side there’s no harm in getting her something she wants. Also agree a group of friends is better than one best friend. Maybe you want to be the mom on the block who offers everyone ices when it’s hot outside, the one with the backyard equipment everyone enjoys or the one giving out sidewalk chalk and other inexpensive fun things.

amother

Sun, Aug 13 2023, 4:53 pm

amother Powderblue wrote:

She has everything and more a girl could wish for. I dont spoil her but if I compare her to the other kids on the block shes got more in externals.

amother

Sun, Aug 13 2023, 4:54 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

THATS what I want for her, but I dont want to be the meddling mom, whos mixing in, the other moms just send their kids out to play, I never see them interacting with the kids...

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Aug 13 2023, 5:28 pm

Is it normal in your community to invite other families for Shabbos meals? If yes, this can be a good way to give kids an opportunity to spend more time in small groups and get to know other kids without awkwardly setting up a playdate (which can feel babyish at age 8).

amother

Rose

Sun, Aug 13 2023, 5:58 pm

My older dd had best friends at that age and it led to so many issues. My younger dd is 8 and she's always bouncing from friend to friend. It works so much better. Way less fights, politics, etc.

I wonder if you're projecting your feelings about her lacking a best friend onto her and that's why she feels the way she does. Plenty of kids don't have best friends, and plenty of best friend relationships are not ideal for the kids.

amother

Dill

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 1:39 am

I just want to respond to say that unfortunately I don’t have advice, but that I empathize with you, because my DD8 sounds very similar to yours. I feel like I’ve tried everything…being the “fun mom” and having the “fun house” with good treats and activities, helping my daughter fit in externally etc….while I think these things helped a bit, they weren’t really the magic cure.

Recently, the only thing that brings me comfort is (as cliche as it sounds) really throwing my pain onto Hashem and davening for Him to help her have good friends that are good for her. I like saying “Tefillah L’Hatzlachas Banim”, there is a line in that tefillah that asks that Hashem help your child be beloved by Above and below (e.g., by people on this earth). Here is a link to that tefillah: https://www.ohelsara.com/women.....dren/

Davening for all our children!

amother

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 7:11 am

NICE!
thank you
You are so right!
I do that by lighting candles too. I ask Hashem to please make my daughter find and make good friends, she should be socially happy and content and enjoy school... Theres so much to pray for!