Why is my son great in school and impossible at home?

amother

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:06 am

Ds 5 is so difficult at home, kicking and breaking things and going nuts when he’s not occupied every second. And in a school setting is so well behaved and calm. Does that means it’s a parenting issue or behavioral? I don’t know what to do! At first I thought he’s too tired after school or overstimulated but after a super difficult morning where nothing should have set him off, I’m starting to wonder what really is going on. Dh thinks that ds just knows he’s going to get away with it at home and we need to be stricter but I don’t know what that means when he’s having a meltdown. Nothing I say or do will make him stop in the moment so threatening him like dh does, doesn’t seem to be the answer.

imaima

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:10 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s a great sign
He knows he can relax at home and you will accept him

amother

Peony

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:32 am

I remember 25 yrs ago asking my very experienced pediatrician the same question because in school my son was so good and at home was so impossible.
My Dr said it is so much better this way than the reverse which I have now with another son and not going to well.
It means they feel safe and comfortable at home and could just release so much energy.

amother

Blush

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:39 am

amother Magnolia wrote:

At home he is letting lose. All his pent up emotions. He feels safer with you then with the school. Thats not bad.

This is what I’ve told my sons’ school, but they just feel we’re bad parents.
How do they know how my son behaves at home?
One, because my husband has told them things, and
Two, because they’ve asked our sons about their brothers’ behavior at home.
I feel both one and two are really wrong to do.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:49 am

I had the same with my son. I'm going to say, what seems to be like a very calm and relaxed child in school probably isn't exactly that. He's most likely tense and tight up in school and is behaving because he feels pressured to do so. So what seems to be a calm and well behaved kid is really a forced behaved child, which once he gets home explodes, and for good reason. There's only so much this child can hold in and when he feels comfortable and safe at home he lets all his pent up emotions go.

I sent my ds to play therapy, that helped somewhat. I would also get him activities that'll help him give out his energy, such as a trampoline, boxing set, sand, give him an egg box to rip apart, etc.

You may also want to read the book The Explosive Child.

And of course, give him all the compassion and understanding you possibly can, because he needs that a lot.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:56 am

amother OP wrote:

But why does he have to release pent up emotions first thing in the morning?

He's anxious about going to school! It's hard work for him! Of course he acts up. Would you wake up happily if you were forced every morning to go somewhere you dread?

small bean

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:56 am

My boys are like this. A lot of it is extra energy. But I find when they are hungry they are not reasonable. I have one kid, I literally need to make sure he eats breakfast before he does anything or he's totally out of control.

amother

Impatiens

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:57 am

I have the same question! Everyone in a school says he's so good and so cute and a pleasure and then at home it's non stop meltdowns and hurting siblings and ignoring everything I say. He has developmental delays but if he knows the difference between school and home then he should be able to control himself at home too...
We're discussing medication because he has ADHD as well but it'll wear off for the day by the time he gets home anyway...

amother

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:58 am

amother Emerald wrote:

He's anxious about going to school! It's hard work for him! Of course he acts up. Would you wake up happily if you were forced every morning to go somewhere you dread?

he loves going

amother

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:59 am

amother Impatiens wrote:

just wondering how you know he has adhd? I’m wondering if there’s something I’m missing.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 11:01 am

amother Impatiens wrote:

It may wear off but he'll automatically be calmer at home because school won't be such a struggle for him. It's a chain reaction. You set things straight in school and the change at home will follow.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 11:02 am

amother OP wrote:

he loves going

So then maybe try having a conversation with him to find out what's bothering him. He may not know himself, but exploring his emotions may give you a clue.

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 11:03 am

All of the above AND my kid who got pandas stayed great in school which was why it took me so long to figure it out.
My kid with adhd also holds it together in school and is a wreck at home

oneofakind

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 11:03 am

It's possible he needs more structure at home. A schedule for afternoon and morning. After school snacktime, playtime, supper, play, bath, bedtime ritual. Put it on a paper with pictures.
School is very structured and predictable. By the time he is in meltdown, there is nothing to be done.

amother

Plum

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 11:51 am

amother Seagreen wrote:

All of the above AND my kid who got pandas stayed great in school which was why it took me so long to figure it out.
My kid with adhd also holds it together in school and is a wreck at home

can I jump in about this please? because I really think my teenage daughter's extreme, explosive behavior this year might be due to PANDAS (she had multiple recurring strep infections this past year, including an awful abscess in her tonsil that needed to be drained by an ENT) but she generally holds it together outside the home and is actually very happy in certain settings (with baby nieces and nephews, at her camp job with lots of people. she is a huge extrovert and thrives on people and action) but she is extremely volatile at home, especially with me. has major explosive tantrums and says very extreme things at those times. she has always had a short fuse but this year it got way worse. But since she can control herself out of the house, (and she also doesn't have tics or any obvious OCD symptoms), I wasn't sure if PANDAS could explain it. Can you please elaborate on this?