Preteen thinks she's all grown up.

amother

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 9:29 am

My oldest is feeling very mature she's going into 6th will be bas mitzvah this year. The problem is she's really not very responsible, or mature she also thinks she'd and adult now. That she should stay up as late as her parents because she needs less sleep. That she should have bigger portions sometimes like her parents. I told her as a parent I take how much I could eat and dont leave over. She's getting the wrong message she's thinks she has to finish her food the size her parents eat. And that older people eat more.
On shabbos we had our family reunion that we do every year This year she didn't want to sit with her slightly younger siblings and cousins. They are 10-11. She's also distancing her friendship from them. The next set of cousins are 3 years older than her and don't need her friendship. However she chose to sit with them together with the adults. Listening in on adults conversations. I'm thinking of talking to her which topics should I bring up? How should I address them?

amother

Ultramarine ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 9:34 am

amother OP wrote:

This sounds pretty normal!

She wants to think of herself in more adult terms then child terms.

Wanting to sit with the older cousins vs younger- why not of there is room?

Staying up late. Evaluate her bedtime. Probably not ready to stay up as late as you at 11, but maybe later than you've been doing. You know it's too late when it gets harder for her to get up in the morning.

I don't understand what you're saying about food.

giftedmom

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 9:50 am

I have that age and I get it. So many changes at the same time. She sounds adorable. Don’t turn it into an issue or somehow think she’s threatening your status as the adult in the house. Be the actual adult and let her figure herself out. You’ll be surprised at how much she will still vacillate between being adult-like and childlike. That’s what being a teen is all about.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 10:03 am

I have a 12 year old who also thinks he knows everything lol. Look, when he's telling me how to parent his younger siblings or arguing that he neeeeeds a phone, so yes, I assert my authority as the parent. But honestly, the examples you mentioned are things I would let go. Also FYI, kids going through puberty are actually supposed to eat more than adults, that's normal. If her eyes are bigger than her stomach and she's loading up a plate and not finishing, so fine, step in. But if she's actually eating what she's taking, I would not interfere.

amother

Pumpkin ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 10:08 am

You sound very controlling and if you don't adjust your thinking you are in for a very LONG adolescence with your daughter because these are not battles that are worth fighting.

Is she wasting food? Why do you need to control portions. Actually 13 year olds might need to eat MORE than adults because of their growth. Even younger children should be allowed to control their food intake unless there is some kind of issue with wasting food.

Why shouldn't she be able to sit with the slightly older cousins. She is a tween and now has much more in common with a 15 year old girl than an 8 year old. What kind of adult conversations are you afraid she is hearing and participating in?

She is starting the road to being an adult - you need to acknowledge that she is starting to navigate - she is partially a child and partially moving to adulthood. Unless she is engaging in activities that are dangerously inappropriate to a tween, let he be. Eating and socializing with cousins at a family reunion - these are not issues that you should even think of policing.

amother

Indigo ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 10:15 am

Step away a little bit. She IS growing up. Let her be in control of what she eats and who she hangs out with.
Who really cares? Many people think they’re older than they are, it doesn’t start or stop with preteens.
Allowing her to figure herself out gives her independence and helps her grow up and figure herself out in a healthy way.
And I really don’t understand the food thing… do you control her portion sizes? What if she’s still hungry? Why are you telling a preteen how much to eat?
I don’t even believe in telling a toddler how much to eat! If a child is hungry, give them food!!

amother

Stoneblue ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 10:31 am

Welcome to adolescence! She certainly isn't all grown up, but she definitely isn't a young child either and she's letting you know it. These kinds of changes are par for the course! I would suggest you read up on the kinds of shifts that happen in parenting at this stage of life!

essie14 ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 11:58 am

amother Pumpkin wrote:

I agree.
My kids are now in their 20s. Teenagehood is much more pleasant when you let them become independent. Of course she wants to sit with the teens. You shouldn't be controlling which cousins she sits with. I have cousins of all ages. We all became close over the years as the younger ones matured. It's completely natural.

amother

Glitter ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 12:01 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

She does NOT seem controlling at all! The 15 year old cousins are not interested in their almost 12 year old cousin sitting with them. And she doesn't belong to sit with adults either. She should be sitting with the 10-11 year old cousins, these cousins are her age.
I understood that she wants adult size portions but doesn't eat it up and food goes to waste.

amother

↑ Glitter ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 12:03 pm

essie14 wrote:

I don't think an almost 12 year old should sit with 15 year old high school girls. They don't need her there. They want there own conversation. She's not 12 yet, she should sit with the 10-11 year old cousins that are her age, not with the 15 year old high schoolers that just get annoyed by her.

amother

↑ Pumpkin ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 12:10 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

Let the cousins sort it out - this is not something adults should get involved with.

If the older cousins are uncomfortable with a 12 year old being around, then they will handle it without your needing to control your daughter.

You don't even know what they are doing. In a family reunion type of situation they might like have a younger cousin hanging out and listening to their discussions. It is not the same as if it is siblings and the younger child is constantly interfering with the older sibling's friends. This is a special occasion with cousins she doesn't interact with every day.

ra_mom ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 12:11 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

If they don't want her, they'll let her know. It is controlling to tell her not to. The only way she'll learn what is socially appropriate is if she has her own learning experience. Yes as parents we want to shield our children from rejection when we know the outcome, but when the child is adamant, you need to let go and let them try on their own. Maybe they'll fit in with the 15 year olds. And even if we're right and she gets rejected by the older kids, she needs to experience that because she's asserting her autonomy and isn't willing to listen so let her have her own experience. She's showing you it's the way she wants to learn.

↑ essie14

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 12:33 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

This isn't something a parent should be controlling. If the older cousins don't want her they will let her know, and that's how she learns.

amother

Gardenia ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 12:36 pm

ra_mom wrote:

The cousins might not say anything because who wants to tell someone to their face we don't want you here?

They might just be annoyed and depends on the child she might or might not pick up on it. I think at this age the mother should still guide her child a bit socially if she is not very aware.

amother

↑ Glitter ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 12:38 pm

ra_mom wrote:

No, they won't necessarily let her know. They'll just be annoyed and maybe tell their mothers but the mothers won't want to cause drama by telling the girls mother...
The kid is 11. She's not a teen or adult. I think it's perfectly ok and not controlling for a mom to tell an 11 year old that she should rather sit with cousins her age.