If I didn't care what people thought...

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 7:33 pm

Would I be a better parent?
I keep thinking about this.
We are on a family vacation and it's so stressful to manage my kids' behavior. I've got 2 kids with invisible disabilities (ADHD and ASD). I am constantly trying to keep them in line, being polite, not touching things, calm, etc. They come across as the rudest, ill mannered children and because we are very obviously yeshivish, I feel more pressure for them to behave in public.
I am more tense and anxious, they are annoyed because I'm constantly redirecting and reminding.
I'm falling apart here.
We get to the hotel, they are talking way too loud, making messes and they are having meltdowns in the room.
And all I can think of, maybe we can't be in public. And I wonder if maybe I'm in the wrong and I shouldn't care about what others think of us/my kids/my parenting.
I'm in the bathroom crying in case you're wondering.

ftm1234

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 7:35 pm

If you didn't care what people thought you'd be more kind to yourself and the kids.

But you're in a public unfamiliar place and I don't think anyone would've done differently.

amother

Honey

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 7:35 pm

Short answer, yes.

I know a woman who has difficult children and she behaves according to what each child needs and does not care at all about what onlookers will think. I'm so impressed with her--it's no easy task.

ETA: I didn't read the details of your experience. Just answered the question. I truly don't think I would feel any differently than you are. It's such a tough place to be in.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 7:38 pm

This is so painful and true.

What’s a mother to do? I would also cry. You’re trying to give them a good time but this is too hard.

amother

Steelblue

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 8:03 pm

It's not that you'd be a better parent as if you're doing something wrong now. But if you truly internalized the fact that you can't control their behavior, only yours, and that their behavior is not a reflection of your parenting, then you'd be able to let things slide and not be affected so maybe less tense and anxious.
I've been there btw. Easier said than done

amother

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 8:52 pm

All these "do you teach your kids manners or just mitzvahs?" And "frum people staring"....don't help the anxiety.
I feel responsible for my children's behavior in public. Am I wrong? Should I just let them be? There's a part of me that thinks that if I am redirecting or reminding my children then at least others know I'm not letting it slide. Not that it's helping.
I am on this vacation for my children. Taking my kids public places is miserable for me, Id rather they stay home have screens and do art projects but I know getting out is good for them. I just wish there was a better way.
PS Hamaspik rented out a park in American dream this past pesach. That was the one time in years that I was able to take my children in public and breathe easy. I was so relaxed. I don't know if anyone knows someone who works there but they should know what an incredible chessed that was.

amother

Beige

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 9:00 pm

I really feel for you, but part of parenting is teaching a child to be considerate of others.
It’s really hard sometimes.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 9:08 pm

Last week we went on vacation with a ds who likely has adhd but not yet dx. I came back despondent, hating myself for my poor parenting and not knowing how to handle it better. That ds cannot properly handle vacation but it’s not fair to my other kids to skip it.

amother

Navy

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 9:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

You shouldn't let these threads get to you, all these things are being discussed in theory or in general. We don't know you or your circumstances so we don't have the right to judge you.
You sound like a devoted responsible mother who cares. That's good for most. There will always be people who judge, take it with a grain of salt. You know you're doing your best

amother

Blush

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 9:15 pm

We are going on a family trip this week. I intentionally call it a family trip and not a vacation for that reason, I don’t want to have any false hope of enjoyment or relaxation. My ds 6 has pretty intense adhd (asd also) and can be very impulsive with siblings and also has a hard time with unstructured time.
It’s hard! I wish we could just go and enjoy, but I know when taking a bunch of kids somewhere it’s for a change of scenery, not for a relaxing time.
Try to not focus on what others think about your child, and just parent them in the way that they need to be patented. I know it’s not easy.

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