Husband hitting | Imamother

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 10:14 pm

As the OP, I am so sad to hear all these stories. It makes ME feel unsafe! Like why are there so many terrible parents out there? Frum ones?

On my part, my husband is different because his behavior is less extreme.
He gives the potch because he really believes that's how to discipline. For example, someone Hitting with a belt IN PUBLIC, who knows what he does in private....

On the other hand, I am hearing how harmful it is to kids.
I did know that.

I realize how important it is for me to stick up for my kids IN THE MOMENT.

And to work out how to make sure things get better on all fronts.

Wow. Drained.

amother

Petunia

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 10:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

I agree that divorce is traumatic. Actually, it's my biggest fear and it is against every bone in my body. It would shadder my world and crush my soul.
That is why I have looked past it for so many years.
My post did not mention anything about divorce.
My question was how to deal with my kids who are being raised with such a father.

That's why you have looked past it for YEARS?? That means you've let your child be hit in the face since he was 2 or 3? I wish someone would call the police on both of you. You're liable for neglect.

amother

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 7:33 am

amother Petunia wrote:

That's why you have looked past it for YEARS?? That means you've let your child be hit in the face since he was 2 or 3? I wish someone would call the police on both of you. You're liable for neglect.

Nope. I looked away from things that annoyed and upset me.
This is new.
And the ask for this comment but I did all the right things when I got concerned.
I reached out to the right people.
The fact that I was invalidated is what made me write this post to check if I was wrong for being upset.
I actually found your comment extremely unhelpful.
I think you can use more tact when I’m dealing with a stressful situation.
The stories you hear here are not about a child being hit once or twice when they were 5.
These are stories of mothers who allowed their spouses to horrifically abuse children for YEARS without intervention.
That becomes complex trauma.
That’s what I’m looking to avoid.
I’m not neglecting or abusing or enabling so I do t know where you got that from.
You must be speaking from a place of pain.

amother

Mintgreen

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 9:36 am

amother OP wrote:

OP, please don't excuse your husband's behavior with these platitudes:

It's less extreme
He believes that's how to discipline
not in public

You have already told us he hits hard enough to leave a red mark, and that your 5 year old is fearful.

amother

Buttercup

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 9:48 am

Not sure if this will be clear, but I'll try.
With children small consequences send a message. My son had an excellent English teacher. I remember she said it was hard to control a group of rowdy boys. She could not keep them late after school - they'd miss their bus, so she dismissed the class 5 minutes early EVERY day. The kid who had to be disciplined had to stay those extra 5 minutes. They all behaved as they never wanted to have to stay later after class.

I've applied this is many areas. I need everyone sitting down now, so I can give out the snack. The one who's jumping - as soon as you're sitting you can get snack. It's a small consequence, to be different, and have to get your snack later, but it's a consequence they care about.

I personally believe it's ok to give a very light patch (light the strength of a tap) on the hand of 5 year child, combined with a stern or sad face, when it's necessary. It's also a small consequence. There may be others that disagree. But a patch with force should never be allowed. That's what you're seeing - maybe not extreme abuse, but it's not discipline, it's not teaching the child. It's anger on the part of the father.

amother

Cyclamen

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 10:02 am

amother Teal wrote:

Sorry but this reeks of judgement. This is going on for 40 years he will never change. You should all consider yourselves blessed to not have to deal with circumstances as such. And my husband is a workaholic with a nice 6 figure income BH but thanks for assuming we are living on handouts so that’s the reason I give my rachmanus of a Shvigger naches from my kids.

As I posted earlier, I grew up with this. My father didn't use a belt but hit us very hard. At least on of my siblings still has scars from fighting him. He'd hit when friends were there so I stopped inviting friends. He threatened to kill my mother. I've lived through this.

JasmineDragon

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 10:06 am

CPenzias wrote:

Even if he's supporting. I wouldn't want that money. That's blood money. She's going to have to spend it and then some later on for trauma therapy for her own kids. Don't take your kids there. Your fil doesn't deserve to see them. I'm sorry for being so harsh. He hits his kids with a belt? Eww I can't get past that.
I'm a public school teacher and years ago I was teaching a middle school class and had a student who was really disrespectful. I called home and mom didn't know how to deal so she sent dad to school. He came with a belt and hit her in front of me and the guidance counselor. I never called him again. I didn't care how nasty she was. No one deserves that!

Did you report him?

amother

IndianRed

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 10:43 am

amother OP wrote:

So what are you trying to say though? Do you have a solution??

I'm trying to say that there are different levels of abuse.

The hitting that u described & the constant physical abuse that some ppl here went through seems to be different.

A child growing up with a parent that's trying his/ her best but loses it sometimes & hits a child when frustrated- doesn't go into the same book as a parent that constantly rages and turns their child into a punch bag imo.

BOTH ARE TERRIBLE.

And yes, getting getting hit (especially on the face) by a parent- even if the child is really challenging & misbehaving is NOT OKAY. AT ALL.

the trauma & fear that a child goes through at that point is horrible.

It can definitely have an effect on the child's self esteem...

But not necessarily is divorce the only solution.

Please dear OP, find a rav that can help you, find a therapist that can help you.
Take the steps to help your children, yourself & your husband .

There may still be a lot of potential going forward. There will be hard work but it's worth every second. To raise a happy & healthy family....

Wishing you much luck, get the help u need & deserve.

Stay strong 💪 ✨️ u got this ❤️

Were all rooting for u.

amother

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 10:46 am

amother IndianRed wrote:

Thank you. Very wise. Exactly. Not acceptable but doesn't mean I need to run for divorce. Working on it. Thank you EVERYONE for the support and advice!!

amother

IndianRed

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 11:01 am

amother Petunia wrote:

That's why you have looked past it for YEARS?? That means you've let your child be hit in the face since he was 2 or 3? I wish someone would call the police on both of you. You're liable for neglect.

Omg. Talk abt missing tact.

Here u have a women that's doing her best & trying to change the situation & all u can do is shift blame onto her?!?

Please keep hurtful comments to urself.

This was totally unwarranted.

Op good job sticking up for urself 👏

amother

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 1:15 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

OP--do you need money? Is there a way to send you something that your husband won't know about and can't get to?

wow, I can't believe you said that. Not because of the money. But because people are so supportive and actually care?

As far as the money, its beyond nice to offer.
I wouldn't take it, but the gesture is as though you have done it

Tizku limitzvos.

Money does add to my stress right now. Doesn't it often come with the territory? He doesn't understand the needs of a family. I'm referring to living simply....

Hoping that I could discuss that topic with a professional in the future too....(another topic where I was told- if I have shalom bayis Hashem will send money.... OY!!

Cheiny

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 1:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

That last statement is beyond ridiculous, and completely untrue! Hashem decides on Rosh Hashana how much money each person will have/get that year, whether you have Shalom bayis or not, whether you’re married, divorced, etc.

Who on earth is giving you all this terrible advice??

Cheiny

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 1:25 pm

amother Petunia wrote:

That's why you have looked past it for YEARS?? That means you've let your child be hit in the face since he was 2 or 3? I wish someone would call the police on both of you. You're liable for neglect.

Of course it’s up to a mother to protect her kids from an abusive spouse but in all fairness, it sounds to me like OP has been brainwashed and manipulated by her husband into thinking that what he does isn’t so bad, and she’s been given awful advice from others, basically telling her that shalom bayis and supporting her husband is paramount, and even best for her kids.

It’s good she reached out here, it’s proof she realizes there’s a real problem and that her children are being harmed.

The main thing at this point is for OP to move forward in a better, more responsible and protective way for her kids, instead of worrying about the past, which she can’t do anything about now.

OP, it’s true that you could be taken to task for not protecting your kids if anything serious happens (which you probably tell yourself isn’t likely to happen, because your husband “isn’t that bad,” but trust me when I say I’ve seen cases like this where it escalated in a moment and there were terrible results!). You don’t want ACS to get involved. Please take action immediately and ensure your husband never lays a hand on your kids again in a hurtful way.

gottago

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 3:34 pm

OP, you really need a support system in real life.
Would you be comfortable messaging me privately to tell me what community you're in? I have a lot of contacts- rabbonim and askonim in many communities and would be happy to help you find someone experienced and Knowledgeable that you can sit down with and get help.

Cheiny

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 3:39 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

There’s no extreme or non extreme level of abuse. Abuse is abuse.

Leaving a mark on a baby’s face is abuse,

Please don’t minimize it. There are many wives out there who have a hard time facing and acknowledging that their husband might be abusive, and comments like that only help them stay in denial. It must be called out for what it is, and it can’t be stressed enough that the non-abusive parent is absolutely 100% responsible for protecting the children from the other parent, no ifs ands or buts.

Cheiny

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 3:41 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

It’s common for people who used lesser means of abuse to escalate and end up using more severe means.

None should be tolerated or excused, or minimized.