Ds wants to change minhag

amother

Zinnia

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:51 am

Both my brothers took on extra chumrahs/minhagim different from my father when they married. Mainly things they adopted from their rabbeim. Eating in the sukkah on second day is one, they stand by kiddush, chalav yisroel etc. My parents just smile and go with it. As my mother says if her children are going to go in a direction she would rather up then down. (ironically I think it was harder for my father to see me married and following my husband since a bunch of minhagim changed and it was hard for him to accept I "left the nest")

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 12:01 pm

Dh is like your son. His parents don't eat in the sukkah shmini atzeres but he does. Some of his siblings do like him, some like the parents. All consulted with their personal rabbeim. This particular area is very murky and our rav feels very strongly that the sources weigh heavily in favor of yes sukkah to the point of overriding minhag. Obviously not everyone agrees. Iyh next year will be a moot point as we're planning aliyah. Anyway, point being, I would assume your son is following rabbinic guidance on this and accommodate him.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 12:48 pm

amother Milk wrote:

Chassidish minhag interprets it differently. Litvish rabanim may also hold that you may not daven mincha at a certain time, or that mincha/maariv is assur, or a million other things.
That’s what was correct for your rav. Not every rave psak is the same for everything

His Debbi probably told him this, and he probably now holds its Halacha.
I think accommodate, you want him to want to come home and feel taken care of.
You will reap the benefits.

ShishKabob

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 1:36 pm

amother Milk wrote:

It’s a chassidish minhag to not sit in the succah shmini atzeres. (No one sits in sukkah simchas Torah)
It’s not really a simple thing to change a minhag, tell him to look into it first before doing whatever he feel like it and ask a rav/rebbe
(We are jpf/heimish- we do not sit in the sukkah shmini atzeres because we follow most chassidish minhagim)

This, op, you can make the sukkah passul by closing the awning, then it's not a kosher sukkah. Maybe he just enjoys sitting on the porch? Maybe he wants an outdoor meal? If it's an indoor sukkah and he wants the roof totally open and the halachic aspect bothers you, ask your Rabbi if it's ok.
The more you object he probably will stand his ground more. I don't think it's worth making a fuss over. Hugs and enjoy your yom tov.

Raisin

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 1:42 pm

If its nice weather whats the big deal? You don't have to build a whole new sukkah. I love eating in the sukka on yom tov specifically and would be sad not to use it for that last night and day.

You are not doing an aveirah by eating inside.

Sewsew_mom

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 1:43 pm

I want to share. My husband learnt from I think rabbi pearl (he passed away but he was from Brooklyn ) that when a child gets married he actually has the ability to change his minhag. So for your son he's actually not doing anything wrong with changing the minhag he grew up with. The first time they come in contact with that minhag once they get married is the only time you can change it. You may want to look into that concept.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 1:46 pm

Op, you are the shvigger now.
You want your children to want to come? You need to bend over backwards.
He will be resentful if you say no, and it will filter over to your Dil.
Unless it's a flight down or a huge hassle for some reason, just say yes.
It's hard enough for many to go to their in laws. Make them feel at home. Sometimes Dil don't feel welcome. It's not how we do it by us card, pushes children away.

amother

Acacia

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 2:41 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

Op if you’re going to listen to ShishKebab and make your sukka passul by closing the awning, MAKE SURE everyone knows. The last thing you want is someone eating in the sukka who feels obligated to eat in a sukka who later finds out the awning was down and it was passul. That’s one way to get a lot of people upset. For sure your Ve’Samachta bechagecha is out the window.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 2:43 pm

My dh was told that he should follow the minhag of our hosts. We eat in the sukkah and my parents don't, but he was told to eat inside with them when we go for yt.

mommyhood

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 2:51 pm

You haven’t mentioned what your husband feels about this. I would personally leave this to dh and ds since eating in the sukkah is not my issue. Especially since it’s dh’s father you’re worried about hurting here. But maybe you can suggest they go to a Rav together, you asking alone won’t necessarily help if ds asks someone else who says the opposite.

amother

Sand

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 2:52 pm

My husbands family has chassidish minhagim and therefore don’t eat in the sukka on shemini atzeres, but my husband said it’s really not so simple not to. (His family’s not chassidish) so for the past few years we’ve had guests that do eat in the sukka, because my husband wasn’t sure if he should change the minhag just like that. But he said it’s definitely something to ask a rav. Maybe that’s where your son is coming from.

imaima

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 2:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

This will be DS's first holiday season as a married. They are joining us for last days of succot. Our minhag is not to sit in the succah(unless its a guests minhag).

DS just asked if we could accommodate him eating in the succah. I said- I thought that is not our minhag. He wrote well I would to incorporate this minhag into my new bayis... I am not sure how to respond.

I don't think minhagim work like that...

Obviously it’s your guests‘ minhag, since your son is your guest.
So you would do it for s random person but not for your son?
Why cannot he change minhagim? How does it differ from any BT? They even get to decide what derech they follow.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 2:56 pm

Lol this story is as old as the minhag. My father in law changed his minhag to eat in the sukkah shmini atzeres, and so did my great grandfather.

imaima

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 2:57 pm

amother Darkblue wrote:

What happens when another married sons says no we don’t want this. Whom do you defer to?
When you are a guest- you should not be demanding - especially if you are young and there are others older than you - like your parents.
When our children come to us their father is the head of household. You follow his derech and minhagim.
When we are their guests they are the ones who set the tone.

We eat in the sukkah on shemini atzeres and we just never go to anyone who eats at home. We wouldn’t eat inside just for the hosts, we would just find a place in a sukka.

imaima

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 3:00 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

Awful advice if it’s his shita to eat in the sukka.
It’s a huge breech of trust.
She can then just serve him pork with alfredo sauce.

amother

Plum

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 3:02 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

That's really wrong. And she accommodates for everyone else so it's sick and twisted to do something like this

amother

Ruby

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 3:06 pm

amother Sand wrote:

lol we’ve been that guest for people!

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 3:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

...if he does all the work, then let him. Its not worth the friction or argument over minhagim. I would bet if you go far enough in your family, you will find the minhag was practiced somewhere.
If your DH is totally opposed, let him tell ds.
If you answer ds that in his home he can incorporate it, but dont push his new minhagim on you, you might find yourself without company...

amother

Cerise

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 4:11 pm

Also, you and DS can speak to your respective rabbis and find out if there are potential compromises - maybe he and DIL can make kiddush/hamotzi on their own on their own in the sukkah and then join you inside after?

amother

Clover

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 5:17 pm

amother Acacia wrote:

Aren’t you allowed to close an awning part way, and the people who sit under the awning are considered out of the succah; while the people sitting outside the awning are considered in the succah? You could position the table to keep everyone on the side they want to be on (I think).

I wish this was my problem-instead of having kids who don’t even keep Yom Tov. : (