Sacrifice | Imamother

amother

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 12:47 pm

DH just got $10,000 for a job he did.
I was hoping he'd get it, but not really expecting it.
Now it's here.

What can I do with Ten Thousand Dollars?

Buy DD a new coat
Replace my shaitel with the bald spot
Stock up on food and enjoy months of healthy filling easy meals
Buy toddler DC unripped pants
Replace my lost gold wedding band
Upgrade my work computer
Put a down payment on a van so we can go places as a family
Clear some of my credit cards
Pay back all of the small loans and unpaid debts
Finish paying last year's taxes
Get DH the set of seforim he's been wanting
Buy my kids the birthday presents I promised months ago
Get slippers for all of my children so they don't get splinters
Replace the torn and broken couch
Buy the plane tickets to bring DC home for break
And more...

And instead
I'm giving maaser
And the rest to tuition.

The schools won't appreciate the sacrifices I'm making.
They won't know that I'm giving them my shaitel, my ring, my peace of mind.
They will just be angry that I'm not paying more.

But I hope Hashem appreciates my sacrifice.

groovy1224

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 12:51 pm

Sending you major hugs, OP. It is so so so hard to be squeezed on all sides like that.

Have you asked a rav if this is what you should be doing? In my humble opinion I would think that in your position it would be appropriate to skip the maaser, and to at least keep some of that money for some of the other items on your list.

If you were just looking to vent, please ignore my question. I hope things get better so soon.

amother

Clear

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 12:59 pm

Definitely worth asking a rav if you can use maaser for tuition.

And I think the responsible thing to do is to give some to school and use some for the family. School will complain anyway, please get your toddler pants without holes!

InnerPrincess

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 1:20 pm

OP- I really respect you.

Perhaps it would be easier to not think of it as a sacrifice to the school, but rather, mesiras nefesh/sacrifice for your children to receive a Jewish education? For them and all their future generations? Mesiras nefesh for your ideals and the sacrifice you are putting in to raise your children as frum yidden?

Disregard if that doesn't work for you.

amother

Acacia

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 1:25 pm

I really don’t think that maaser should be given to others when you are in need of maaser yourself. There is a concept of separating maaser (calculating the amount owed to maaser) and then giving it to the person who is most eligible for it. There’s an order in Halacha and you come first, then your extended family, then I believe the institutions in your city…

Beyond that, many hold that tuition for girls schools can be paid for with your maaser money.

Your toddler should not be wearing ripped pants. Debt needs to be paid, especially last years taxes. You don’t want your wages being garnished. Please set up a payment plan with the IRS if you haven’t already so that they wont garnish your wages. I’m going through this myself.

Please, please check with a Rav before giving any money to maaser. Don’t be a chosid shoteh at the expense of your family.

Rabbi Yosef Kushner did a podcast on Kosher Money about maaser where he discussed the concept I mentioned above about separating the maaser and giving it to yourself. You can email him to ask your question if you don’t feel comfortable asking your Rav, he said he’s open to accepting emails on the podcast. yosefykushner@gmail.com

I’m so sorry things are so tight. I really hope they get better soon.

amother

DarkYellow

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 1:43 pm

Leaving OPs individual examples, I can relate to the premise.

When I committed to paying the reduced rate of $5000 I knew it meant forfeiting replacing my 10 or 14 year old shaitel.

When I say I can't pay $7000 or even $6000 it's because I have taxes to pay, ripped shoes to replace and bread to put on my table.

I'm not going on vacation, redoing my house, or going out for steak dinners

There will never be a dinner for me or a plaque. I barely get a thank you for my check. In fact I mostly get a "sigh, can't you give a little more".

So I understand your sacrifice OP.

amother

Alyssum

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 7:01 pm

OP, you're a hero, but you sound unhappy rather than proud. It might help your mood to reframe. You didn't just sacrifice $10K. A $10K payment that you thought you would never see just enabled you to pay your child's tuition.