How not get angry and resentful

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:11 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

Why is your toddler or teen not hurting you such a red line even if keeping the line hurts them back?
I don’t see it the same as if a guy on the street punched you. But apparently you do.
What are the overarching goals of your parenting? Because this might counteract those. Spoken from experience.

Bh thus far, it hasn’t impacted my overarching goals as a parent in any way. Once we get that out of the way, and they internalize that it isn’t an option, I am free to parent them in a respectful, trusting way. I don’t think I’d be able to do that if I was constantly under threat of getting hurt.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:12 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Ok
(I don’t get how this isn’t related to trauma)

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:17 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

Ok
(I don’t get how this isn’t related to trauma)

It may be related in the sense that trauma has taught me to not take mistreatment from anyone. But I don’t see that as something I need to change within myself. I see it as a good thing.

amother

Mintgreen

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:24 pm

giftedmom wrote:

No. I say “you cannot speak to me this way, and I will not speak to you as long as you do”.

Exactly! And that's what you should be doing with your toddler. "No hitting, two minutes in time out" or "only yummy candy for moishe because he didn't hit" ect. A 2 year old can understand consequences, but why do you need to hurt him?

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:30 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Practically, I haven’t seen that working on a toddler. Neither of those actions has ever stopped this kind of behavior. They didn’t associate it directly with the hitting.
Practically, the above approach has worked like a charm with a teen. Shut down the behavior right away.

amother

Mintgreen

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:52 pm

giftedmom wrote:

And my very rambunctious boys always caught on to this method rather quickly. But then I don't hit. So they're not waiting for the pain for it to mean it's serious.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:53 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

And my very rambunctious boys always caught on to this method rather quickly. But then I don't hit. So they're not waiting for the pain dor it to mean it's serious.

I don’t hit either. Not for the past 6 years. Each kid and each family is different. You do you.

amother

Mintgreen

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 4:12 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I don’t hit either. Not for the past 6 years. Each kid and each family is different. You do you.

But you do according to your post. Maybe your children grew up. But they were hit as toddlers.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 4:15 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

But you do according to your post. Maybe your children grew up. But they were hit as toddlers.

Not all. As I said I didn’t need to do that more than once or twice total.
I don’t hit for any other reason. That’s what I meant.

amother

Mintgreen

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 5:24 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Not all. As I said I didn’t need to do that more than once or twice total.
I don’t hit for any other reason. That’s what I meant.

Once or twice is to much. If you're saying it "worked" that means either that they are just really docile children who didn't need the punishment to begin with, or they remembered that pain well enough not to EVER do it again.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 5:35 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Okay, sure
Don’t do it then

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:12 pm

amother Lavender wrote:

Physically hurting I answer no, no boo boos for mommy. Or ow ow, a boo boo hurts.

You can also hold down their hand or feet or whatever it was, for 30 seconds. Make eye contact and say no, kicking makes a boo boo, Shlomo doesn't want to make a boo boo.

But yea, I get triggered too... Usually not by diaper changes. Wait till he turns 3 and 4 and answers back in your face....

When he pulls your tights/skirt, he is just frustrated. Try to speak calmly, Mommy will finish the chicken and come to Shlomo. Almost finished. Coming...

this does not help at all. I tried all this

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:13 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Hitting a child back just teaches him it’s ok to hit.

Op, how are you busy with him all day? Are you a SAHM? It can be exhausting.

no I work part time and then I pick him up from daycare so it’s then until bedtime. It’s a lot of hours. Plus before daycare and weekends. And I give him loads of attention

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:15 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

Resentment means your needs aren't being met. You said you sacrifice everything for him. First of all, make sure you have your own life and are taking care of yourself- eating etc. Second welcome to being triggered by your kids. Try to pinpoint what feelings are coming up in you and to sit in them. Your kid is just being a kid. The buttons he's pushing are in you.

is it normal though for a kid to constantly use hurting as a way to get what they want? It’s not like he’s neglected and isnt getting attention or other needs met. Like I want a jelly now and you didn’t give it to me wham let me Pinch my mother.

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:16 pm

amother Mauve wrote:

My 2yo is the same. I keep repeating no hurting mommy and if you need to potch you can potch the couch. After saying a million times it finally sinks in

didn’t sink in here

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:19 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

Yes how are you sacrificing for him every moment of every day?
Maybe we can help shift that

I’m sacrificing by working so I can pay for his food, clothing, roof over his head etc then I’m taking care of him the rest of the time

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:24 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

OP, it sounds like this is your first child. You have to think about why you take it so personally. I have had some very very challenging toddlers, and I don't take anything they do personally. They are little, they can't handle waiting, they can't handle big emotions well, they need us to love them and be patient with them, and teach them, and keep them safe.

It’s not about you, he's not out to get you, he is struggling with his overwhelming feelings.

im not insulted and I don’t take it personally I just feel mistreated and resentful. And almost violated

amother

Mintgreen

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes it's normal, but should be corrected. Is he ever getting what he wants by being physical? If you cave in then he learns that this technique works. For example if he's hurting you to get your attention, do the exact opposites. Tell him (non dramatically) no hitting and put him in his crib without even making eye contact. If he hurts you to get a jelly you say hurray Malky is so gentle, malky gets a jelly! No jelly for moishe, moishe hit. Side point, but I would never have anything exciting in my 2 year old's sight that he can't have.