Disrespectful teens literally walk away when I talk

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 9:19 pm

I had a very challenging time w my teen who was cold, ignored, was disrespectful and what helped me was going for guidance to find out what to respond to and what to ignore. I also came into DD room one night and had a heart to heart convo about how much I love her and want to connect, how it seems like she’s hurting and I wanna be there for her. She didn’t share a bit but it turned out relationship around instantly. We still go thru phases but I will tell her , that hurt me. I learned what is acceptable and what I should comment on. It was a game changer bec I was confident. U don’t want to play on their level and they seem to be hurting. Hope this helps

amother

Ivory

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:03 pm

I feel for you. My children treat me like trash. I usually stay calm and keep repeating its not ok to talk to me like that. But I’m literally sick from it. I have three teenagers and it is seriously intense. No matter how much I do for them I’m bad. And no my husband treats me amazing and we have a ton of respect for each other. My kids hardly lift a finger and when I ask them to do small jobs ( like take towels out of the dryer) they either have some dumb excuse or they act like I told them to do something backbreaking. They expect us to fund birthday parties, driving lessons, clothes and every accessory they need that day. Plus drive them At all hours to friends. I honestly don’t have any advice. I wish I did.

Sending moral support Hug

amother

Cornsilk

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:35 am

amother Ivory wrote:

Why do you need to fund all those things? What if you said until I see that you’re speaking respectfully and cooperating, we won’t continue to pay for those things.

amother

Hydrangea

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 11:07 am

When they come to you to discuss something that they feel is important do you listen to them and do something about it? I started to walk away from people who may listen to me when I speak on a topic that is hurting me and I am asking for help but don't do anything about it. Then when they need help they want me to jump for them. I spoke up and said sorry I can't help you anymore since you don't listen to me when I needed help. Just a thought..

amother

Gardenia

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 11:23 am

I have four teens, I can so see this happening. But it doesn't have to. Don't give them a taste of their own medicine, that will cause them to clique more and use their own money for whatever you take away from them.
I say, divide and conquer. Talk to each one individually about your expectations and emphasize that you are happy to spend money on them and do things for them but disrespect has got to go. No more teaming up and/or walking away. A mature person communicates and in a respectful manner. Tell them you do not want to give a consequence if it happens again but you will if they force you into that position.
Good luck.

amother

Chicory

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 11:31 am

amother Coffee wrote:

And you know what? Open yourself to possibilities
Think out of the box
I’d consider telling them you have a headache and so sorry won’t be up to going to the open house
Go in your room and shut the door
Change the dance
Do it
Lay in a nice supply of treats for yourself first

Don’t discuss defend etc
They’ll get the message
And regardless you will feel better

This is passive aggressive.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 1:57 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

Ouch, this sounds so painful. It sounds like you're all stuck in a negative loop.

You wrote that they are disrespectful when you ask them to do something or tell them that what they said or did is not acceptable. Both of those things, asking them to do something and telling them their behavior isn't acceptable, are negative and can feel to them like criticism.

Normally, that's fine, a parent can make those comments once in a while. But since it sounds like the whole relationship devolved into a power struggle over this, I'm not sure that the hardline approach, being even more strict and drawing firm lines, will work.

You can try the exact opposite for a couple weeks and see what happens. Go 100% positive. Compliment and praise, and simply ignore the negative. Bite your tongue a lot. Try to tell yourself different messages so that their behavior doesn't upset you visibly. Try to create a positive rapport, even if it's very small, then build on that. Do things one on one or as a family together that you can all enjoy. Show them a funny video clip and laugh together. Make them their favorite recipes or buy them their favorite snacks, and tell them that you made it because you know they like it, or you were thinking about them when you were shopping. Tell them often that you love them.

Whichever approach you try, I would also suggest involving a third party, whether therapist or parenting mentor. Sometimes an outside perspective is needed.

As a side point, you might also want to consider therapy to help heal from the pain of your experiences being bullied, since that might also be affecting your responses.

Honestly, half the time I don't even start the conversation with them. The most recent example was one of them putting me "on trial", deliberately in front of the other ones so they had backup, for something they didn't like that I did. When I tried to correct them to speak respectfully to me, all these behavior patterns happened. It was terrible.

Genius

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

Can you say “I don’t wish to discuss this now” in a completely neutral tone? And repeat the same line as necessary when they try to push it?
I agree with some of the previous posters that your past should be dealt with. You can and you should be able to drive the conversation in the direction you want it to go. Unless, you’re past comes up and you’re feelings get hurt and you fall back into defense mode.

amother

White

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 3:00 pm

They are outright bullying you. Then they see you are vulnerable and do it more. Walking away just makes them feel more powerful.

You need to break that cycle. Imagine you are being bullied by people your age. What would help?

When they are rude, or ignore you, smile as though it absolutely doesn't bother you. Then say quietly, I will not be disrespected. Rinse and repeat. Stand your ground. Whatever they ask you for, say quietly, I am waiting for an apology. Rinse and repeat. Until you get that apology, do whatever you would normally do but do not respond to requests.

Do not walk away.
Do not avoid confrontation.
Do not be super nice to buy them back.
Do not have heart to heart talks.

The first step is for them to realize that they cannot treat you that way.

Once they apologize once, say thank you, I appreciate that, how can I help you? be accommodating but not overly so. You don't want to make it into a wow thing, just a normal way to behave.

You need to project confidence to them. Even if they gang up on you, listen quietly and with interest, then state your position firmly and quietly but without a lot of emotion. Don't let yourself feel threatened.

Children are very quick to feel when they can bully someone. Don't let yourself be that person. You're the parent. you're the adult. You know what you are talking about! Don't let them take that away from you.

amother

Gray

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 3:34 pm

You are stuck in a negative cycle where the culture is that it’s normal and ok to be rude to mom, mock her and treat her disrespectfully.
Why are they treating any human like that, let alone, their mother?!
This is a very very deep rooted problem with no easy fix.
I think in this case, you need to start the relationship again, not mend what’s there.
Family meeting, possibly w therapist to moderate. Are we happy with the vibe in the house? What do we want our home to be? What can we do to achieve that? Do you realize that when you speak like that, feelings are hurt? Etc.
Children can be told what to do, but not teens- it needs to come from them.
I hope your family finds cohesiveness and healing.

amother

Hibiscus

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 3:35 pm

Do NOT stoop to their level. You are an adult, mature, and you need to show them that you love them and aren't vengeful.
Firstly, try your utmost not to demand or request so they don't walk away and ignore - simply because you aren't asking them.
Secondly, make things simpler for yourself so you don't need their assistance. Frozen pizza again? Yes, when you're ready to help with dinner I'll consider making salad and meat or whatever they like.
Third, make statements. "we're leaving to the open house at 7:30."
Fourth, find things that you enjoy doing to keep yourself distracted from their behavior so it doesn't eat you up. Books, music, shiurim.
P.S. I have lived through this with some of my kids. B"H some have turned out to be amazing adults. I'm still struggling with one.

amother

Cornsilk

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 4:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Does your husband back you up?

#BestBubby

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 4:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

No, I consider myself lucky if he just keeps quiet and smirks and doesn't join in. He's abusive, we've been in and out of therapy, he hasn't changed much, etc etc. Not the thread for this.

Sounds like your husband is alienating your kids and encouraging the bullying behind your back.

Very common with abusers, and can't prove he is doing it.

Other mothers on this site wrote if the same situation where husband is instigating the children against the mother.

In this situation you cannot fight back or punish because that may cause complete alienation ch"v.

Read books and articles on dealing with parental alienation.

Maybe join broken ties, a Jewish organization for support.

Maybe speak privately to the school to teach Hilchos Kibbud Av v'eim.

Hashem should send you a Yeshuah.