Problems getting outof bed and general time keeping

amother

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 12:07 am

11yo DD is 11 and at middle school.

She had had problems getting out of bed for a while now but lately it has been getting worse. I wake her up gently, she doesn't respond. I ask her if she heard me and she yells. I give her many gently reminders that it's time to get up, always will her yelling and replying rudely, then she'll eventuallyget up at the absolute last minute. Sometimes I end up getting frustrated and yelling too. If DH is home, he also sometimes comes in and starte arguiing with her.

When she finally gets out of bed, she doesn't rush, she moves slowly as if she has all the time in the world, rearranging her covers, then slowly walking to the bathroom. Many times she has been to school with hair not done and I don't remember the last time she had breakfast.

This kind of behaviour has now started to affect other aspects of her life. Also with her homework she leaves it very late. She's recently had 4 days holiday from school with a moderate amount of homework to complete, and she left it until the last evening to even start it. For the first couple of days I didn't bother her, then I reminded her about it and suggested she figured out how she could break it down into smaller amounts and organise her time, especially because the first 2 days she was back at school she had an activity and a party, so she should also do the homework for the following days, but she didn't.

She's the same with showering too. I'll tell her it's time to shower and she'll saying "in a minute" and the hours go by!

I'm at a loss to know how to deal with this. Every little thing is stress.

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 6:08 am

Is she aware of the time passing? My dh has adhd and is totally time blind. He will be busy doing something and he just has no awareness of how long he has been doing it for. And I'm noticing the same traits in one of my dd's.
I would maybe select one thing to focus on and let some of the others drop.
Also what time is she going to sleep? It could be she's too tired and is struggling to wake up. I know when I'm overtired, I do everything in slow motion as it seems to take more energy to do things.

amother

Calendula

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 10:13 am

All I can say is that my 11 year old dd is exactly like that. She's late for school nearly every single day. Doesn't get out of bed. Moves at snail speed if and when she gets up. Part of it is that she hates school and wants to miss as much as possible of the first lessons. The other thing is, dh and I are bad time-keepers as well. We are a family joke for being late to every simcha. I'm late for work most days, luckily they don't mind and I add the time back on in the afternoon. Which of course means I'm coming home late. Dh is often late to his job and to shul as well.
So, about dd, I'm not sure it it is genetic or if dh and I are just rotten bad examples for her.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 10:17 am

Have you tried not doing any wake ups before the last minute? Do you think that would go any worse?

I agree that it sounds like ADHD. Sounds like me and my siblings growing up.

Perhaps the first question should be--does she think there is a problem? Would she prefer to get more done in the morning?

If she thinks there is a problem then she could talk with you about the things that make it hard, and help think about a better system. Let her lead the conversation as much as possible so that it doesn't feel like a mom-driven thing.

If she doesn't think there is a problem then that is also something to explore before anything can be done. Sometimes extrinsic forces, like parents working on getting you to do things, can make it harder to experience intrinsic forces.

amother

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 12:42 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

She is certainly aware of the time passing in the morning because I repeatedly tell her the time.

Up until 2 or 3 weeks ago she was going to bed in very good time and the problem of getting up was the same. More lately when she's been starting her homework late she has been going to bed later and I am sure she is more tired, but the problem was already there.

She falls asleep quickly once she goes to bed, eats well and doesn't have executive functioning skills.

DH and I are not bad time keepers and DD is also very organised and never late for other things later in the day and she'll also have no problem getting out of bed if it's for something she likes, like a holiday!

I really don't suspect her of having ADHD. I have another daughter I'm worried about in this regard, but this one really doesn't fit the profile.

I think it's more that it's warm and comfortable in bed and she would rather not get up and go to school. She says she finds school boring, but she is intelligent and popular and doesn't report any particular problems, in fact, while she might say a general "school's boring," she usually recounts with enthusiasm things that have happened and things she has learnt about during the day.

With the homework, I think it's similar. Once she starts it she is very focussed, but she sees it as something that is not fun to do so she procrastinates and then sometimes doesn't anticipate how long something is going to take.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down with her and asked what would help her with getting up in good time. She told me if I would just tell her once to get up and if DH wouldn't yell she would be able to do it (DH had been particularly frustrated on that day.) I knew that wasn't the real issue but agreed that's what we'd do the next morning. For the next 2 days she was great and got up on time. I gave her plenty of praise and told her what a difference it made, but by the third morning she was back to normal.

I've tried having the conversation again, but she'd just got angry.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 1:04 pm

How do you start the conversation? Can you try something like "Mornings have been tough. I know neither of us like all those wake ups and yelling. What do you think gets in the way when you want to get up?"

It also struck me that you said you gave her 'plenty of praise' on those two days. I think that would annoy me and might have annoyed her as well. Praise is not necessarily very motivating. If you find success again, maybe try being much more casual about it. Maybe just remark at a random time, "I think what we're doing in the mornings now is working. Do you think so too?"

Trust that the satisfaction of collaboratively solving a problem together so that things go smoothly is enough of a reward for both of you.