How to convey that actions have consequences?

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Dec 14 2023, 7:02 am

A few things I'm thinking:

1) If this is OCD related, the worst thing in the world for op's daughter would be to give her the exact words she wants to hear (I'm not upset). Instead I'd say: when I tell you not to do something and you do it anyway, I feel upset. I love you, I understand that this is hard for you, I know you're a wonderful kid, and I'm upset. It's a feeling that's not scary or dangerous. When I feel upset, I still love you, I still want to be close to you, I still want to help you. Let's brainstorm ways to help you not do XYZ next time.

2) Can you set her up for more success? 'Child-proof' the things she has a hard time with? For example, my kids' electronics all have parental control timers set on them, so they only work on certain days and for certain amounts of time. There's no way to 'sneak' more. Or when they were little, certain very tempting candies I bought only in small quantities and were quickly given out so they weren't in a drawer somewhere in the house, begging impulsive little kids to come take 'just one.'

3) Her crying loudly and excessively should not be scary to you (in the same way your trying to show her that your 'being upset' should not be scary to her). Tell yourself: My daughter is having a strong feeling and is trying to get rid of it (or trying to get me to get rid of it) by crying. It's ok if she cries. I can still be a good mother if she's crying.

I would try quietly sitting next to her in her room when she cries. I'd say something like: I'm going to stay here to be with you while your crying. I love you, so when your sad, I like being right next to you so you can feel how much I love you. It's ok to cry, cry as long as you need. You did something wrong and I'm upset about that. You feel sad that I'm upset. It's ok for both of us to sit here together, feeling these feelings. They're not dangerous. When your ready to stop crying we can try to problem solve so that this doesn't happen again.