Wedding expectations

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:58 pm

I’ve been reading the thread from the woman who’s daughter is getting engaged soon, and everyone is discussing costs

I’m not from the US or a large community so I’m my experience of wedding planning is very different

I’m surprised at how much of the engagement and wedding planning process is based on “the done thing”, with the bride and grooms family having specific roles and specific items to pay for.

In my experience everything is done based on the personal choice/circumstances of the individual couple, with no defined system.

I wondered if there’s a Jewish/halachic basis to the system behind American weddings or if it’s just become the socially accepted standard?

In case it’s unclear I’m referring to things like the gifts given to the bride and groom, the grooms family pay for photography, music, flowers. The brides family do Shabbat Sheva brachot, and so on.

I enjoy learning about other communities and cultures which is why I’m asking Smile

amother

Ruby

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

Of course there is no halacha.
Its every family wanting to keep up with the next family.
I also dont live where this is done.
I find it very sad. And superficial.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:14 pm; edited 1 time in total

scruffy

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:05 pm

No halachic basis.

I think the reason is to keep tensions low between the two "sides" during the period of engagement. This way, not every piece of making the wedding is a discussion or fight, and each side can decide how to allocate their resources for the portions of the wedding that they are responsible for.

In general, the older the couple, the less involved the parents are, and the more deviation from wedding standards.

Last edited by scruffy on Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:07 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:12 pm

Thanks for your replies. Interesting that it helps to give a framework and hopefully lower any disagreements.

In my circles the couple have dated for a longer time than what is considered standard, and the parents will have already met a few times and may have even become friends, so these types of discussions aren’t full of tension.