Parenting teenagers - need help

amother

Wed, Dec 27 2023, 4:10 am

DH always wants to "teach them a lesson" or give them consequences so that they connect the dots to their unacceptable actions or behaviors. And I feel he needs to just let it go. No one learns anything that way. But he claims that if we don't say anything then we are giving over the message that we are ok with their choice. I steongly disagree and hold that the relationship is the only thing that really matters and they will have to figure out the other pieces on their own. They are already eating their own "consequnces" such as missing the bus bc they woke up late from staying up too late, etc and they dont need us to help them connect the dots.

I'm really concerned abt DHs approach. He is coming from a place of love but it's so old school and its going to hurt their relationship. Is there any chinuch mentor you can advice that we speak with? He is open to hearing differently.

amother

Ruby

Wed, Dec 27 2023, 6:01 am

You could each parent as you see fit. Your children will quickly make the difference between mommy's and daddy's parenting style.
It will work with most children without any bad consequences.
If your children are a drop rebellious, very sensitive or a little out of the box he might have to change his parenting style!!
You're right, a good relationship with your children is more important than any mussar shmooze...

amother

Buttercup

Wed, Dec 27 2023, 6:07 am

The only way it'll affect them adversely is if you go against him and fight him about it. You have to be a united front in front of the kids. And if you think kindly of your dh and you know he is a good father and wants the best for his children, it will NOT affect them negatively. This has been proven to be true.
Hashem made him your childrens father for a reason.
It's ok that he has a different opinion about it. I find if you would fight it less, and not think negatively about him he will be more open to shifting towards your perspective. But first you have to give him the respect he deserves and you have to really open yourself to listening to his perspective as well.
I remember my dh being adamant that no child stays home for a break, just because. I was a huge proponent of it, I think it's important. He was old school like that. Unless you're sick you don't stay home. Of course, I went along with him, and slowly over the years he has shifted in his perspective. Nowadays, my kids stay home sometimes just because they need a little break, a mental health day off.
Hugs

amother

Wed, Dec 27 2023, 6:41 am

To clarify - we are not fighting about this. We have been in discussion privately but very much present a united front to our children. But we want to figure out the best mehalech moving forward

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 27 2023, 8:53 am

I actually agree with both of you to some extent. I think relationships are EXTREMELY important and should be a very big focus in the teen years. At the same time, I also think SOME actions deserve consequences (not all, and it shouldn't be a tit-for-tat-let's-keep-score type of thing). Teens don't always connect the dots and learn on their own. OTOH too much "teach them a lesson" and the lesson is lost.

Balance is always the key.

I also agree with those posters who say it's okay for each parent to parent in their own way, so long as you present a united front to the kids. They get a certain balance that way. It's also pretty typical for one parent to be more lenient and relationship-focused than the other.