My son humiliated me

amother

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 10:58 am

I have a cleaning lady 1x a week. She’s not the best but she shows up so I keep her .
There’s something she forgets to do every time. I’ve told her. I noticed she forgot again today. So I tried telling her but of course suddenly she doesn’t understand any English. I showed her and demonstrated. I did the same thing last week and she seemed to understand. I walk away after showing her again today and I see she’s doing it all wrong (it’s something very simple that I always end up doing myself the last 2 years because she never does it. I finally want her to complete the task properly especially since I don’t have a lot of work for her to do today. I said in a strong voice- no, Maria! Do it like this… then I see she takes the bottle of windex and sprays close to 1/2 bottle non stop on one small spot. So I told her she’s using too much and she should just put a little windex on a paper towel. (Now I understand why she’s always telling me there’s no windex left)
my son who is 19 and has emotional issues started yelling at me that I should relax and he was making fun of me imitating what I had just said to the cleaning lady. Then he came over to me and put his face in front of mine and yelled- you’re a grump! Relax, relax.. learn how to chill you grump! This is all while I’m standing at the counter preparing his breakfast- (the only child in the family who gets a private breakfast! Everyone else grabs something and leaves.)
He acts like this with me very often. He’s not stable. I told him his chutzpah needs to stop! He just continued. And then I see the cleaning lady smiling to herself. Now I really feel like an idiot. I walked out of the room and told my son he can finish preparing his own food. He yelled after me- grump! Grump! And Maria is laughing to herself…

Cheiny

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 11:11 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m sorry you were humiliated and it’s big if you didn’t answer back. But bear in mind your cleaning lady probably realized he was just joking around with you…I personally wouldn’t care what she thinks anyway, she’s just an employee (sounds like an annoying one) and nothing more to you.

But more important, you know your son has emotional issues so you should try to keep that in mind with regard to his behavior towards you. I’m in no way saying his behavior was okay, and I’m obviously not aware of how much of his behavior is under his control, but I’m sure you’ll feel better and get past this when a bit of time goes by.

Is your son getting help?

Now can you please give us all brachos in the merit of having stayed quiet after being publicly embarrassed?

amother

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 11:24 am

Cheiny wrote:

He’s been getting help since he’s 10. At this point I have no idea what will be with him. He’s always been beyond challenging. He’s been crossing all boundaries since forever.
I don’t know why I care that the cleaning lady was laughing. I couldn’t really care less about her and sometimes I wish she would tell me that she can’t work for me anymore so I’ll be forced to look for someone else. It just doesn’t feel good to be laughed at. I’ve always been nice to her and I guess I thought she respected me.
No, I can’t give out brachos because I surely let my son know I upset I was with him. I didn’t stay quiet even though It goes in one ear and out the other …. I told him anyway. Let him realize I’m upset. Who knows? Maybe eventually he’ll stop his atrocious behavior.

sushilover

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 11:35 am

Your son has emotional issues and cannot express himself properly.
First step: In your mind, translate what he is saying to respectful English. "Mom, I feel uncomfortable when you use a loud or harsh tone with other people. It feels like you are yelling and angry. It makes me want to yell at you and show you how it feels."

Next, ask yourself how you would have reacted if he had expressed himself that way. At the end of the day, children with emotional issues have big feelings. Maybe he also has a processing disorder that makes him overreact to what we would consider small stimuli.

Finally, at a calm time, ask him if this is how he feeling. If it is, validate the feelings but not the behavior. Explain that he cannot use yelling, name calling, or getting in your face. It is important to offer him therapy, tools, or medication that will help him learn how to handle his big feelings without being abusive. If he is already receiving help, then perhaps reevaluate to see if something has to change.

I think you did well by stopping to make breakfast. He had to see that his behavior has an effect on your relationship.

amother

Plum

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 11:46 am

I don't know your son and I'm sorry he embarrassed you, that is not ok. However, I do know that some women (specific to a certain community which shall not be named here) treat their cleaning help like pieces of cr*p. They are obsessed with having "sparkling clean" homes. I personally witnessed someone literally standing over her cleaning lady and critiquing her every two minutes at the way she was cleaning the window. I found it extremely controlling and disrespectful to to the cleaning lady; I honestly felt bad for her!

I'm not saying your son's behavior was ok, but maybe you can reflect on the way you've been treating the cleaning lady. He may have a very good point.

amother

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 11:50 am

sushilover wrote:

Thank you for trying to give advice but I wasn’t really asking for it. He is beyond all regular parenting techniques. When dealing with a child like this the only thing that works is crisis parenting. Read up about it. It’s a different world. A world I wish I wasn’t part of.

amother

Jade

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 11:52 am

amother Plum wrote:

I was thinking same. I understand why you would feel humiliated in this situation but maybe tomorrow you can look past your pride and consider. The cleaning lady may not like being spoken to that way. Maybe it's time to switch cleaning ladies if this one is unacceptable.

amother

Oak

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 11:56 am

amother Jade wrote:

This has literally nothing to do with op's issue. Cleaning lady is her employee and that's that. MAybe op is a mean boss maybe not. (and honestly doesn't sound that way to me. She is allowed to ask the cleaning help to do things a certain way) But it has nothing to do with the way her son is behaving. That's her only problem right now.

amother

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 11:57 am

amother Plum wrote:

I am not part of any community. I have a cleaning lady 1x a week for a few hours. I always treat her very nicely. Please don’t accuse me of doing anything different.
I’m never on top of her. Often she is home for hours by herself. This small task that I wanted her to do properly was something very easy. It was just getting annoying that I ended up redoing it myself every week. I always said that I need to show her how to do it. Today I happened to be around when I realized that she once again did not do what I wanted her to do so even though I showed her last week, I showed her again. I wasn’t yelling at her. I just showed her. The only time my voice probably showed annoyance was when I saw her standing there for over a full minute pushing the spray bottle over and over and over again on one small spot.
And it happens to be that my house is far from spotless. I’m not sure why you would think that my house is spotless when I only have cleaning help 1x a week for a few hours?

Cheiny

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 12:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

You were right to let your son know what he did was wrong. But I’m sure you didn’t lash out and embarrass him back. You were trying to teach him right from wrong.

Yes, you can give brachos. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Jan 11 2024, 2:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maria's gotta go. Your son is reacting to the scene but Maria may be playing victim. Now she will do it more often.
If you have to out on a firm voice to your cleaning help, you need new cleaning help.
Your problems with your son need a new approach. What you're doing isnt helping...