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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
OP
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 Wed, Jan 10 2024, 2:57 pm
My dd’s bat mitzvah is on a Sunday in Feb. I have a sister in town but other than that both my family and my dh’s family are out of town.
We DO not want to have people for shabbos. I just went through it for my older daughter’s wedding can’t handle another giant family shabbos thing for both sides. Can’t handle it financially and mentally or emotionally. BUT my sister invited all of my side to come for shabbos and stay with her and she’ll host meals. But now I feel like my husbands family will feel left out if we won’t offer for them to come and stay for shabbos too. But then if we do that we will have to have to move it to a shul or hall and have a caterer and it becomes a big thing. If my family comes we could just not go to my sister for shabbos and stay alone to make it “fair” but then that seems sad for my kids to stay home shabbos before bat mitzvah when half their family is in town. I didn’t want my sister to invite them but she did it thinking it would be nice and helpful but now I don’t know what to do.
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amother
Brickred
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Wed, Jan 10 2024, 3:11 pm
Mazel tov on your dd's wedding. I think if you've recently had a big family simcha, it's fine to want to keep your dd's bat mitzva smaller.
I would probably say something to dh's family about wanting to have a small affair and not wanting to make it so major, especially after the recent wedding.
And you don't have to spend all your time with your family. It's essentially as if they were coming for a random shabbos, it's nice to see them, but it doesn't have anything to do with the fact you're holding a bat mitzva the next day.
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amother
Tuberose
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Wed, Jan 10 2024, 3:32 pm
| amother OP wrote: | My dd’s bat mitzvah is on a Sunday in Feb. I have a sister in town but other than that both my family and my dh’s family are out of town.
We DO not want to have people for shabbos. I just went through it for my older daughter’s wedding can’t handle another giant family shabbos thing for both sides. Can’t handle it financially and mentally or emotionally. BUT my sister invited all of my side to come for shabbos and stay with her and she’ll host meals. But now I feel like my husbands family will feel left out if we won’t offer for them to come and stay for shabbos too. But then if we do that we will have to have to move it to a shul or hall and have a caterer and it becomes a big thing. If my family comes we could just not go to my sister for shabbos and stay alone to make it “fair” but then that seems sad for my kids to stay home shabbos before bat mitzvah when half their family is in town. I didn’t want my sister to invite them but she did it thinking it would be nice and helpful but now I don’t know what to do. |
Go to your sister for shabbos. Life doesn't always have to be "fair". Your ils would understand.
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amother
Peach
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Wed, Jan 10 2024, 4:50 pm
| amother Brickred wrote: | Mazel tov on your dd's wedding. I think if you've recently had a big family simcha, it's fine to want to keep your dd's bat mitzva smaller.
I would probably say something to dh's family about wanting to have a small affair and not wanting to make it so major, especially after the recent wedding.
And you don't have to spend all your time with your family. It's essentially as if they were coming for a random shabbos, it's nice to see them, but it doesn't have anything to do with the fact you're holding a bat mitzva the next day. |
Please don’t do that! How unfair for her to lose out on her big day because a sibling’s wedding happens to be the same time.
I know someone who had that happen to her and she’s still hurt by it years later.
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tichellady
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Wed, Jan 10 2024, 5:01 pm
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Could you do one meal with each side of the family? I think I would be hurt to travel for a Simcha, be excluded from shababt plans and then find out the other side had meals together.
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tichellady
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Wed, Jan 10 2024, 5:03 pm
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I guess I don’t know how far you all live from each other. It is like a drive or a flight? How often does your family get together? If you get together often and aren’t so far apart then I think it’s ok to be with your side but if they are flying in I think it would be not so nice to not include them for Shabbat
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tehilap
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Fri, Jan 12 2024, 7:22 am
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Just enjoy your family and thnknyour sister a hundred times for hosting. Your husband’s family will come in the next day and enjoy the party.
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amother
Brickred
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Fri, Jan 12 2024, 7:56 am
| amother Peach wrote: | Please don’t do that! How unfair for her to lose out on her big day because a sibling’s wedding happens to be the same time.
I know someone who had that happen to her and she’s still hurt by it years later. |
I don't mean the bat mitzva celebration has to be any smaller. Just that it doesn't also need a grand shabbos before it. Most people don't do a full family shabbos, plus a bat mitzva party as well.
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amother
Starflower
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Fri, Jan 12 2024, 8:03 am
I would at least invite MIL and FIL - perhaps if it’s not too many the 11/12yr old cousins for Shabbos, but only if it’s ok with your sister.
I don’t know how many extra ppl that would be
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amother
Bone
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Fri, Jan 12 2024, 8:21 am
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Can you make a melava Malka for everyone?
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