He's so forgetful. Should we keep bringing him his stuff?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 2:08 pm

Ds is in 9th grade. He is in a Yeshiva that's a half hour drive from us. He dorms Sunday-Fri and is home for Shabbos. The problem is, he is so forgetful! When getting a ride to school with other people or taking an Uber, he has left his Gemara in the car once, and his knapsack twice. He lost his Tefillin in Yeshiva one day but found it the next day. He lost his davening jacket and that was never found. He left his Gemara home one week, and dh brought it to him Sunday night. He seems to lose or forget something every other week.

When he forgot to bring socks, he had the pair he was wearing and one other pair, so he had to do laundry every day. But today he went back and he forgot to bring his coat. It is cold outside. Am I supposed to make him spend all week without a coat, or am I supposed to ask dh, yet again, to go bring him his forgotten items? I don't drive, so I can't bring it myself. Dh does not love being asked to drive all the time.

He says he'll be okay without it. He doesn't go out that much. Today he will wear his suit jacket (instead of his missing davening jacket) when they go on a trip.

I want to teach him to be more responsible. But I don't want him to freeze for a week.

WWYD?

amother

Copper

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 2:10 pm

Why's he forgetting?
Work on the source
Does he have adhd

amother

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 2:14 pm

He has some delays, possibly on the spectrum.

amother

Lightgray

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 2:16 pm

Can you make a list and either photocopy it so that every week he can check it off, or print and laminate so that he can wipe off the check marks and reuse, and have him use that to pack his bags every week?
Teach him the skills he needs.

amother

Cherry

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 2:18 pm

amother Lightgray wrote:

This.
I'd bring him his coat, it's cold. But you need to make a plan at least for when he's going back from home. And to deal with this issue overall (therapy? Organizational skills?)

amother

Ballota

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 2:22 pm

I wouldn’t stop bringing his stuff completely because I would want to show that I care, but I would ask him, Do you need me to bring that to you or can you manage without it?

amother

Dandelion

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 2:24 pm

ease try give him tools, tips and tricks to help him remember. Post it notes on mirror for when he brushes his teeth is an example...if there's something he needs to do after tooth brushing say grab his tefillin on his way out.
Also teach him to alarm his phone or watch to remind him so if he needs to phone a dentist for ex to make an appointment at 9 he needs to alarm his phone to do it .
If he needs to remember to take a change of clothes he shoulds leave a change on the floor by his door so he sees it in morning...etc etc etc.
Teaching him to manage his forgetfulness is the best tool you can give him.

tehilap

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 4:18 am

Maybe Get him more stuff to have in yeshiva just to take the ege off the problem like why is he bringing home his gemara , definitely make a list and kepp him acountable,just make sure he knows you love and care about him,explane that you cant come to bring him his stuff one idea is that when your husband can drive to him also send something axtra

amother

Linen

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 4:32 am

Forgetfulness is not a choice. He needs help. Incentives don't work, especially for ADHD and ASD - it's not that uncommon for people to be hungry and forget to eat, for example. It's neurological.

imasinger

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 6:28 am

amother Linen wrote:

Forgetfulness is not a choice. He needs help. Incentives don't work, especially for ADHD and ASD - it's not that uncommon for people to be hungry and forget to eat, for example. It's neurological.

I agree that forgetfulness is not a choice, but wouldn't go so far as to say that incentives are completely useless.

People with EF challenges can and do build habits. It's just a lot more work and mental energy to put them in place.

I'd suggest that you and DH set aside time with DS on m"sh to oversee his packing up.

DH can think about whether he wants to make a new rule -- starting now, no more than ___ extra trips a month, or something.

If you'd like, you can talk to him about meaningful incentives for not dragging DH on any extra trips for a week. But only if you think it's worth taking that headspace from other DS's other obligations, like his learning. You can also discuss the idea that if he takes an hour of DH's time on an extra round trip, he should plan to spend some of his free time helping DH, to pay it back.

And obviously, a coat in winter is worth the trip.

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