Helping at shiva house-questions

amother

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 9:48 am

I am helping out at my friend's shiva house. This is a Young Israel (modern) family. Do I ask what food they want and serve mourners food? I never did this before and I am not one who takes charge. I am really stepping out of my comfort box to do this. When I signed up, I thought that I would be with another person, but I am not with someone else. Any suggestions would be great.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 9:59 am

When I was helping out when my mom sat shivah, there was someone who organized meals for all the mourners sitting shivah. Remember all food going into the shivah house can't be taken out again. Especially for shabbos, I had the food come to my house first incase there was anything that they wouldn't want or there was too much food and it would get wasted.
Are you having to make the food? Is only one spouse sitting shivah? If yes, you can ask the other spouse what food would be eaten, or if there's another family member who is up to talking about practical things.
Is there a designated eating time? We had the house closed to visitors between specific times, and they would all eat at some point during those times. It was really difficult when we had visitors coming from oot and we couldn't just say sorry we're not open as they'd travelled far.
I basically made sure the food was heated and then they could take whatever they wanted themselves. I was on hand if there was anything that was needed, but they were all adults so were fully capable. Also things like making sure they had drinks at regular intervals. Often the mourners end up talking a lot and the throat get quite dry.
It is draining physically and mentally.

Elfrida

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 10:03 am

There are often times set aside for meals when people are asked not to come to be menachem avel.

Is anyone organising meals? Quite likely someone will be bringing round lunch or supper at a certain time. Then you would heat it up and serve them if they want. I didn't have much appetite when sitting shiva, partly because of sitting still all day. I preferred to go into the kitchen and put together a plate of whatever was there at random times.

Is there someone organising the volunteers? Ask her how things are being managed.

amother

Pear

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 10:49 am

amother Mustard wrote:

Ask a shaila about the leftover food. We asked and were told that anything leftover after the aveilim finish eating could and should be taken out rather than going to waste.
The Rav Simcha Bunim Cohen book on aveilus says the same.

amother

Daylily

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 11:04 am

OP I recruit people to do that in my neighborhood and I really appreciate everyone that volunteers to do this chesed. When people ask me what they should do I generally suggest:

-Offer meals, snack, and drinks to aveilim.
-When you get there ask aveilim if they would like you to answer house phone and what types of calls you should put thru to them (for example someone calling from Israel or a Rav) vs. which calls you should take a message.
-Do a little very light cleaning (sweep kitchen floor, wash dishes if you can clearly tell what is milk/meat).
-Keep your eyes and ears open to help with anything so aveilim don't have to jump up to do it (for example...an older woman comes in and is having trouble getting down the 3 steps to the living room, Electric company rings bell to read meter, etc.)