I can’t handle this anymore

Frumwithallergies

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 12:10 am

Can anyone else go to him when he cries (instead of you?)
We were most successful with sleep training our kids when I had to go out of town and my dh gave the bottles of pumped milk before bed -- and did the the night time feedings.

amother

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 12:10 am

Frumwithallergies wrote:

Oh good idea, will see if it can work with my husband

amother

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 9:29 pm

Update
I’ve tried some gentler methods, including staying next to his crib, shushing patting him etc and he’s been hysterical when I do that. Tonight I put him in sat with him for a few minutes and left the room he was screaming. I went back in after 5 minutes - he cried even harder when I was there. Then went back after 10 min - same thing. Was just another 10 min and he finally fell asleep.

But now I’m sitting here feeling awful and like the worst mother. I also know if I want to keep it up this will have to happen for another few nights but I just feel so terrible, especially because I’m so focused on attachment and I feel like I ruined everything.

Should I continue or just stop?

amother

Narcissus

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 9:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don’t know what to do
I have a 7 month old who is bh the light of my life
But I also feel like I just don’t have a life anymore
I work part time and he naps for about 20 min at a time but mainly in my arms.
Night is the real worst for me - he goes to sleep at 8 but will wake up if I try putting him down. Even if I hold him he’ll wake up after about 40 minutes ready to play but he’s still exhausted. I don’t have my nights anymore and feel like I never spend time with my husband. I don’t believe in sleep training and to be honest probably wouldn’t be able to handle it.
And yes I’ve tried putting him down on his stomach, he’ll sleep for about 10 min and then wake up screaming

I also am not into sleep training. Idk why everyone is right away suggesting sleep training. My first thing is to see if there are any underlying medical things going on that can cause this much disrupted sleep.
Ear infection
Enlarged adenoids
Does he sleep with mouth open?
Low iron (can cause restlessness)
Etc etc etc.
follow heysleepyaby on Instagram- (she talks about how she sleep trained her first kid bc she felt so much pressure). Babies don’t need to learn how to sleep. They will eventually on their own. she’s all about not sleep training but getting your baby to sleep and discusses red flags that may be impacting sleep.

busy mommy

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 9:53 pm

The way I see it if you don't continue then letting him cry for that one night was not fair to him (or you) but if you continue then you and him will reap the benefits. It should not take more then 3 nights. Although some upthread said that babies do not need to be sleep trained I beg to differ. Just as babies need to be taught (or guided in the direction) basic life skills (eating, turning over, crawling) whether it is tummy time, burping so they keep their food down etc. so to they need to learn how to self soothe, fall asleep unaided and sleep without constant interruptions. This can be done gently and without disrupting or negating attachment styles.

amother

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 9:54 pm

amother Narcissus wrote:

I’m not on Instagram so won’t be able to see but BH he is really such a happy healthy baby. He’s just never been able to sleep by himself. I had a lot of anxiety when he was a newborn so for the first month of his life someone was literally holding him around the clock, including all night.

I know sleep training really isn’t good for the baby - I’m literally sitting here crying thinking about the fact that he just cried himself to sleep. But I’m also having such a hard time with the fact that he won’t sleep without me. I can never put him down, I can’t get anything done and I don’t have time with my husband. Not sure if there’s really a solution either way, just have to get all of this off my chest.

amother

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 9:55 pm

busy mommy wrote:

Do you have any recommendations for doing it gently? I tried a gentle sleep training method to the t but he got so upset when I was there (it was basically sitting next to them patting their back but not picking them up) he cried much less when I left the room but of course I still feel terrible

amother

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:02 pm

TravelHearter wrote:

Why don’t you do the gentle method but have your husband do it instead? He’ll smell you and it’ll make it worse.

We tried that but it was even worse. He screamed like crazy… I don’t know, he probably gets his stubbornness from me lol

amother

Narcissus

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

Have you tried different sleep associations. You can do different things that aren’t actually sleep training. Like adding in different associations (rocking instead of nursing). Try sleeping with his crib sheet for a few nights and then put it on his bed. Don’t feel guilty. You did it out of desperation. Sleep deprivation is real and it’s so hard not having time for themselves
I did read though that sleep trained kids and non sleep trained kids by age like 2 or 3 are the same. Meaning it makes no difference. At every stage kids have their new sleep issues.

amother

Narcissus

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

We tried that but it was even worse. He screamed like crazy… I don’t know, he probably gets his stubbornness from me lol

Temperaments play a huge role in sleep. The gentle Instagram accounts I follow talk about how certain kids with certain temperaments just cannot be sleep trained… like if a child is naturally a good sleeper who wasn’t sleep trained that’s just their temperament! It’s not the parent doing anything amazing it’s their temperament

momofone613

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:18 pm

No advice unfortunately.
I'm literally in the same boat. This is my 4th, and worst sleeper. All of them weren't great, but this one is by far the worst.

I just wanted you to know your not alone, and one night of them crying to sleep won't affect them long term. Did that with my second. For a few nights. She's BH fine now at 6yo.

However it was also traumatic for me. And don't want to with this one if I can avoid it.

I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer. I think it's per kid. Per moment what works.

Hugs 🫂

amother

Canary

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

That sounds like a great start! Was that only 25 min all together?

Be consistent! Remember that just as it's important to hold him, soothe him, cuddle, its important for his development to teach him to sleep properly! You sound like a great mom trying to find the best way to go about this.

Continue trying to have him fall asleep in the crib rather than in your arms. You can rock the crib a little at 1st and then go out and keep coming back in every 10 minutes like you did.

Music helped for the beginning for 1 of my babies

amother

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:29 pm

momofone613 wrote:

Thank you, making me feel better already Heart

amother

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:30 pm

amother Canary wrote:

Yes, was about 30 min total. Now he’s sleeping and I’m sitting here crying, my poor husband lol can’t catch a break😂

I will try music that’s a good idea, but trying not to even think about tomorrow, I guess we’ll get there soon🙈

amother

Cadetblue

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you, making me feel better already Heart

I'm glad.

Weirdly enough YOUR post made me feel better. Bc I literally could have written this. Altho my baby is a girl. Wink

She's abt 8months, I've co slept from the beginning bc she flat out would not sleep anywhere else. I was exhausted, had 3 other kids to take care of, and had HUGE anxiety when she wasn't there. (Didn't have that with my 2 middle ones. I DID with my first.. thought it was bc she was my oldest/only, bit, SURPRISE! LOL.

and since she wouldn't sleep in the bassinet anyway... and I told my husband it would later bite me in the bitt lol. Here we are.

I tried sleep training ish. But didn't last long since I react badly to not sleeping enough. (Will literally start throwing up from lack of sleep) so I couldn't.

My husband tried sleep training my second, didn't last long, and that was that. Hasn't done it again. So here we are

My other 3 once they were older were able to learn to sleep on their own. Very naturally and progressively so maybe that will help u. To know it is not now or nothing?

My baby now is a terror bc she usually wakes up every hour to nurse(comfort?) So idk. I'm ok winging it at this point. And when I can I will try moving her out of my bed again. And "sleep training ".

My point to rambling is ur not alone. I'm in your literal boat.

the world's best mom

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:39 pm

I have a good shidduch for your ds. Smile

She's 12 months old and still hardly lets me put her down when she's sleeping. And yes, you can go crazy from it.

Your baby will not be harmed by the one night of crying, but if it's not what you want to do, then you don't need to do it again. You started teaching him that he needs to go to sleep in the crib at bedtime in a way that was hard for him and obviously traumatic for you. If you continue, he might or might not learn to go to sleep without crying, and if he does, it might take time.

If you don't continue, you will reteach him immediately that you are there to hold him when he needs you. I did that with my oldest after doctors and relatives pressured me into letting her cry. She cried for a lot longer than half an hour. I never did it again and I am happy. I still regret doing it to her back then. She's 18 and she's totally fine, but I still get upset when I think about it.