My 6 year old daugter - at a loss

amother

Fri, Jan 19 2024, 12:52 pm

I am trying to figure her out.
She is the youngest of the family.
I am bh in my mid 40's and raised my other wonderful children - so I'm bh an experienced mom Smile

She is adorable and yummy and so sweet when - I am trying to figure out how to handle her in the following scenarios - none of my other children were like her.

In a nutshell....
She says NO to me often. DD, it's time to leave mommy's room now. "No, I am not going....then I start saying again it's time to leave.... and it just escalates. She keeps saying no. I keep saying, Mommy said to leave the room... She can start kicking me, hitting me, or she'll "threaten" me by saying - You turned the lights on - I don't want the light on. If you turn it off then I'll leave the room.
This is a real example - and I just am at a loss when it happens as to what to do with her.

Next, bedtime is impossible with her. I used to stay in her room until she fell asleep. It was taking her a long time and I realized that this isn't good for anyone. I spoke to her in the morning, told her how big girls get tucked in, say shema together and then Mommy will stay upstairs and not go downstairs. She is fighting herself. Still refusing to let me stay out of her room. Crys, kicks, and screams. Even if she falls asleep for a few minutes - she wakes up 10 minutes later where I am and keeps coming out. This can be at least an hour - hour and 1/2 a night which I don't have. She will finally be quiet and fall asleep when my 5th grader goes into the room for the night.

We have prizes, stickers, charts....

Any ideas of how I can help her and myself?

amother

Banana

Fri, Jan 19 2024, 1:55 pm

Seems very anxiety driven
My dd has those exact same behaviors. It was pandas for her. Being asked to leave a room was also a huge trigger for her for some reason, it could be separation anxiety, but either way it always triggered extreme opposition and defiance/pathological demand avoidance.
Refusing to go to sleep was also triggered by extreme fears and phobias surrounding darkness and sleep and sleep regression was part of it because her nervous system just couldn't settle down.
Bh with treatment we these behaviors went away.

amother

Valerian

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 8:39 pm

amother Banana wrote:

Seems very anxiety driven
My dd has those exact same behaviors. It was pandas for her. Being asked to leave a room was also a huge trigger for her for some reason, it could be separation anxiety, but either way it always triggered extreme defiance/pathological demand avoidance.
Refusing to go to sleep was also triggered by extreme fears and phobias surrounding darkness and sleep and sleep regression was part of it because her nervous system just couldn't settle down.
Bh with treatment we these behaviors went away.

Same for us.

amother

Banana

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:15 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

What’s pandas?

When strep causes the immune system to mistakenly attack the brain instead of the strep bacteria. It causes inflammation in the brain which shows up as anxiety, ocd, rigidity, fears, phobias, sleep regression, wetting accidents, restrictive eating, oppositional defiant behaviors, tics.

amother

Carnation

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:31 pm

amother Banana wrote:

Is this common? How do you find out about it? What happens if it’s untreated

amother

Banana

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:33 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

Is this common? How do you find out about it? What happens if it’s untreated

It's fairly common. Some pediatricians are helpful when it comes to diagnosing and treating and some are really not. Unfortunately it doesn't usually go away on its own if not treated.

amother

Snow

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 5:06 am

This actually sounds common for the youngest child/ bat zekunim and not necessrily a sign of pandas or anxiety.

I would make sure there is lots of love and connection together with a firm stance. No dependence on age-inappropriate behavior. For example, needing to fall asleep with mommy in the room is not right for a six year old. She can have light on, door open, you can check on her every 10 minutes, if she is fearful. But if she doesn't listen when told to stay in the room then she loses X the next day.(e.g. computer time). She leaves the room? No problem. Ignore her. But she will pay for it the next day.
You can have her earn points for every time she listens, lose points for not listening, and spend points on things she likes to do or buy.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 6:59 am

I also have this with my youngest. He's 8. He definitely seems to have a lot of anxiety. I have had to travel for personal reasons several times over the past few years, and I feel like it stems from that.

Over the past few weeks, he's refusing to go to bed or to school many days. Many nights he only goes to sleep if my husband takes him with him, and I can't get into bed until he falls asleep and I move him. Other nights I stay with him until he falls asleep, often an hour.

I try to give him lots of love and attention. He's otherwise really sweet and delicious. We are doing a new chart and I hope it's going to help. I also keep telling myself it's a phase and it won't last forever.

Success10

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 7:10 am

It could be a child with a control driven personality. The example where she makes threats or ultimatum, she is trying to find a way to listen to you, but still on her terms. Anything to make it clear in her mind that she's not doing it because you said so, but because she decided so.

There's other indications from your OP that she craves a relationship and doesn't know how to ask for it.

None of this makes her a bad person. It makes her strong minded with a high likelihood of going far in life. If you manage to survive the next decade or so.

The most helpful thing is to understand her innate need for autonomy and find ways to give her choices.

LisaS

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 7:39 am

Success10 wrote:

I love this post. Really resonates.

amother

Aconite

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 7:57 am

You could be living in my house, the way you wrote your first paragraph. My 6 year old is exactly that. She also has ADD. We started her on meds and it’s a complete game changer. She’s still her sweet yummy self but the explosive behavior dropped a million times.

amother

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 10:25 am

amother Banana wrote:

Thank you - it's good to know I'm not alone. I will speak to my pediatrician about testing for pandas.
What type of treatment did you do?

amother

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 10:26 am

ShishKabob wrote:

I find that if I give a choice it helps. Like, do you want to go out of the room now or in five minutes? And then they'll bargain for 7 minutes and I'll give in. But the result is that they listen, it's just gives them the power that it's on their terms so to speak.

Thank you - I've given her choices. Do you want to go out now or in 5 minutes. She'll say 5 minutes and then won't go out or listen

amother

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 10:27 am

amother Snow wrote:

Thank you for this

amother

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 10:29 am

Success10 wrote:

I was in tears when I read your post. Thank you. Iyh these children will go far. We just need to get throught it without breaking them c'V