Purim Seuda- what should I do

amother

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 4:52 pm

We are empty nesters.
DH has medical issues and we are involved with many treatments and traveling to different drs.
My mom and dad (not frum) are also not doing too well and recently had a few hospital stays. They are elderly, and like quiet time at home.

Kids are all adults and don’t live in the same state

I’m super exhausted both physically and emotionally, drained.

So basically 2 adults.

It would be so depressing to just be us 2 at home.

Everyone I know has big families, so if I invite I would be hosting a lot of ppl. I’m really not up for that.

I don’t think we’ll get invited just because ppl would think we either are hosting a Seuda or others invited us already.

Need some real advice.

DH feels funny joining another community’s Seuda since he’s the rabbi of a shul.

Do I just push through and invite a big family
It would be at least 20ppl - maybe more

tichellady

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 5:06 pm

Reframe it. It’s not depressing to have a Purim suedah with your husband. This year is busy and it’s good to take care of yourself. If you have friends you can invite yourselves to that’s great, but if not, it’s perfectly fine to be alone. You don’t have to be subtle about it- just say, I think I’m too tired to host this year, do you want to a potluck?

It’s a busy and tiring day and it’s ok to have a nice meal together and rest ( if you can go out for dinner or get takeout even better, if not maybe make duck or steak and salad and buy bread and fancy fruit)

Last edited by tichellady on Fri, Feb 23 2024, 5:08 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 5:33 pm

amother Slategray wrote:

Is there anyone you can ask for an invite? Normally I'd be way too proud, but you have extenuating circumstances.

We are too proud
And usually we invite a large crowd
It will be too lonely just us2.
We are very social ppl.
Definitely NOT introverts

I would love to potluck, I’ll cook up some cornbeef and some chicken rice
I’m even willing to get it all catered
It’s not the cooking itself.
It’s the setting up, the actual hosting and serving, and the cleanup after.
The cooking is exhausting, but I could figure it out and buy as well.

But although I’m very social
I’m not one to start organizing a group thing
And really that would be impossible with all the things on my plate.

tichellady

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 5:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe your avodah this year is to push aside your pride and do what’s best for you and your husband. It will be good for the community and your friends to see that you are human and are able to ask for help. We all need to be takers and givers, that’s what being in community is about

amother

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 5:49 pm

tichellady wrote:

I hear you
But I know I’m not the type to just ask to be invited
No one will keep us in mind if they have pit lucks thinking we are hosting as well.
I don’t mind to cook a few things
I just don’t have the strength to host
And I definitely don’t have the strength to coordinate a potluck and figure out who is doing what. And picking up the last minute slack if they don’t do it

OTOH- I can’t go into Pesach preps like a complete wreck

tichellady

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 5:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

Can you just casually mention to your friends that you don’t have Purim suedah plans yet and see if they invite you. Do people know your husband is sick

amother

DarkRed

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 2:40 pm

Why don't u go to one of your married kids?

If a bunch of them live in the same area, maybe one of them can host a family party if you offer to cater it. Then the grandkids get to be around there friends, you have a nice seudah with your kids, and if its catered -its not crazy a few couples to split the setting up and serving

If its to overwhelming to have them host u for sleeping and a seuda, maybe stay in a hotel for a night

amother

Valerian

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:19 pm

Sometimes its really nice to end the busy day with a relaxing intimite meal cook up a good steak and whatever else you like and enjoy the calmness set up a beautiful table get nice wine...its all in the way you look at it
If you see it as depressing you will be depressed but if you see it as relaxing and nice way to end a hectic day you will feel good and not stressed out its all in your mindset ..... Good Luck

amother

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:58 pm

tichellady wrote:

Can you just casually mention to your friends that you don’t have Purim suedah plans yet and see if they invite you. Do people know your husband is sick

I’m trying to do this
But everyone is with family
Plus they believe I’m inviting a few families and then having an open house, as usual
This is what everyone is expecting

Even though they know we spend at least 2 days every week with treatments, and if its a week that testing needs to be done, more .
We come back exhausted. Eat something and go to bed.

Impossible for us to go to our kids. DH can’t leave the shul for Purim.

I think I’ll just have to host as usual

Elfrida

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 9:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

People don't necessarily think things through and put two and two together, especially when it means changing a long standing tradition. In addition, people are planning mishloach manot and costumes, but the details of the seudah aren't fully on the radar yet.

They also don't know the details of his treatments, or how you react each time. If you are proactive about some change, some people may actually think about it.

Does your shul have a weekly email or anything? I think you need to put out an announcement that due the state of his health, the Rav will be unable to host an open house this year on Purim. (Or that the regular open house will be hosted by some member of the community, and the Rav will try to be there part of the time.)

Then you might get a few people thinking about things, and wondering if you will be able to host a seudah, either. People might assume that you prefer to have a quiet seudah at home, instead if expending the energy on going out.