Boys mother | Imamother

amother

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 2:02 am

So everyone talks about how much the girl side pays for the wedding. As a boys mom I’m realizing that the expenses for the boys side add up ! All the dates , the restaurants , the costs of driving while they dated. Now the costs of dates once a week while engaged. The costs of the diamond ring , the tennis bracelet , the necklace for the yichud room , the silver leichters, and we are splitting the wedding 50/50 with the girls side . My head is spinning. And I just feel like society thinks the girl spends so much and the boy gets off “easy”.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 3:20 am

amother OP wrote:

You left out buying a car. Very Happy

Marrying off a child is expensive.
I think its been universally accepted that the total wedding costs come out pretty close (if the boy buys a car).
This was true even in FLOPS days.

If youre in the yeshivish world the girls side is racking up $$$$$ setting up the house and buying their obligitory gifts for your son. Plus money spent on the girl herself and clothes/sheitels that you are not doing for your son.

After the wedding:
The shobbos sheva brachos is usually more expensive than the aufruf.

They are typically paying out a lot more in support.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 9:22 am

amother Holly wrote:

I disagree that aufruf is cheaper than shabbos sheva brachos. Unless you're catering one and making the other one at home!

It depends on the circles, but some only invite the boy's side to the Aufruf, and both sides to Shabbos Sheva Brachos, so in such cases the SSB is much bigger and more expensive.
Our SIL's Aufruf was on Shemi Atzeres, so his parents made a Kiddush, party bags, and had grandparents for YT. Not very expensive. We made a catered SSB with aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...so it was definitely more costly.

My sister and I made daughter's wedding a few weeks apart. They are more heimish and did 50/50 split for wedding and furniture, we are Lakewood yeshivish and did 2/3-1/3 split for the wedding itself, and we paid 100% of furniture and home setup. And yet they spent more than we did. Because the expectations of what would be bought and covered were higher. Also, they had a mitzva tanz and paid more for the wedding hall....

When you are doing the paying, you get to decide what to buy. You can buy second hand if you want. You can buy less pieces of furniture if that's what you are giving. People tend to do more what their circle does and there is less pressure and expectations.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 9:24 am

amother OP wrote:

The boys my DDs dated tended to earn money toward their own dates on the side. So "everyone talking" may be referring to all different types of boys. Yes, if you are the type that paid everything, it can add up!

For those who referenced cars, both my SIL and DD bought cars on their own and brought them into the marriage.

It all boils down to your culture and expecations, and whether you raise your children, both boys and girls, to pull their own weight a little.....

amother

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 9:26 am

In this case the aufruf will be more expensive than the Shabbos sb. Our side will not have extra ppl at their Shabbos sb. We will have the girls father and brothers. And the aufruf involves a kiddush for the whole shul ( it’s a big shul with many families kh) even a “scaled back” kiddush adds up fast for so many. There is no kiddush at a Shabbos sb.

Re the expenses for the girl the day of the wedding - yes the kallah gown rental or gmach and her hair makeup but that isn’t for the wedding that’s the kallah herself . I happen to have more daughters than the other side im not counting all the hair make up dress I have to pay either. . That’s irrelevant . As are the huge costs I have of paying for my family to fly in to the wedding I’m not counting those , that’s personal to my family.

Re the gifts for each side - the tennis bracelet ! diamond ring! , wedding band , necklace for the yichud room, ! continued dates and restaurants while they are engaged adds up , hard to see that boys side is paying less. So far my son has not received any gifts. I don’t know if he will be getting a Megillah as a poster above mentioned.

We are splitting the wedding 50/50.

I guess this is just a vent and also eye opening since there is so much stress on how much girls side pays for a wedding and boys side “gets off easier “. When it’s really not the case.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 9:38 am

happy7 wrote:

Your son should be getting gifts too.
In our community there is no tennis bracelet.
We priced out the gifts for both sides and it was pretty equal.
(We did not do a Megillah even though they were engaged over Purim. It wasn’t in our ability.)

The expenses are pretty equal. I’m not sure the girls side spends much more than the boys side.
Obviously for the actually day of the wedding, the girl has more expenses.

A Megillah isn't a standard gift in Yeshivish circles.
Many will give a Menorah (though at the appropriate time, so might not be during engagement.) We did.

amother

Aconite

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 9:55 am

A fair amount of what's stressing really does sound like its personal to your family. Weekly dates and restaurant tabs? You need to have a talk with your son. That's not across the board expected, and if you can't do it, he needs to know. There are also many reasonably priced jewelry options in the tri-state area, and while yes its costly, it doesn't have to be the most expensive out there. I think maybe you need to be more upfront with your child about where you'd like to draw the line.

amother

PlumPink

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 10:16 am

amother OP wrote:

Mazel Tov! I have made chasunas for both a son and a daughter in the past two years and agree that the overall costs are about the same when splitting 50/50.

Regarding gifts, your son didn't get a chosson watch, or equivalent-priced gift if he didn't specifically want a watch? The total gift costs are about the same. In our circles, the major ones for the kallah are a bracelet, engagement ring, leichter and yichud room necklace, which sounds like what you are paying for. The chosson should be getting a watch (or something of equal value if he doesn't want one specifically), silver becher, Shabbos and weekday tallis and tallis bags and kittel, and usually a Shas, unless the parents of the kallah really can't afford it.

Regarding the cost of dates, it's okay to tell your son to scale back on the costs now. They can go out for coffee rather than a restaurant and can have a good time walking around IKEA. No need to waste a ton of $$ on expensive dates at this point when you are paying for the chasuna, unless he wants to spend his own and not yours.

amother

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 10:18 am

amother PlumPink wrote:

Re gifts - yes we are buying all those for her. So far he has not received anything , I don’t know what they are planning on buying him.

amother

Diamond

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 10:35 am

Chayalle wrote:

At what point are your daughters pulling their own weight financially? Did they earn to go to camp?

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 11:16 am

amother Diamond wrote:

At what point are your daughters pulling their own weight financially? Did they earn to go to camp?

It's a slow process. I pay for camp, for example, but they pay for trips and their own canteen. I pay for school-related expenses, they pay for extras.
Both my girls bought their own car, either the year of seminary or the following year (they went to seminary in Lakewood and drove themselves. They also had after-seminary job.) They pay their own gas, and we split insurance.
At some point they pay different aspects of their own expenses. Like they might buy their own clothes, though I'll buy them a new dress for YT....