UPDATED: HELP my baby with EXTREME separation anxiety

amother

Snowflake

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 2:22 pm

My youngest almost 1 year old is like this too, it's so hard! She has been this way since she was around 4 months old, which is considered early for separation anxiety, but that's how she was. She has been going to the same babysitter for 2-3 months daily and she only stopped crying at every drop off last week. But even not at drop off, she would often cry and cry, and she still sometimes she crawls around crying for us there (like crying and calling ima or abba). The babysitter is lovely and holds her etc. We see improvement over time. But I still get called at least once a week to pick her up early because on some days she is miserable or refuses to eat or refuses to sleep or just keeps crying or insists on being held by the babysitter all day. And it is a small group, she has lots of attention, and she is happy there a lot of the time (I often pop in unannounced), when we come she reaches out her hands to the babysitter or to toys on the floor, but then screamed when we left or later. She is just like that, even if her grandparents watch her (and she sees them 2-3 times a week), she still cries and cries for us. Teenage babysitter who watches her regularly, also crying. It isn't just the babysitter she goes to do daily, it is everyone. She loves to nurse, I think that is hard for her while I'm not with her (is this the case for your baby?), none of my other kids were so attached to nursing, she has always been this way, like I am her personal pacifier (and she rejected actual pacifiers). She is very clingy with us, always wanting us around, though when I am around she is happy to play by herself on the floor, doesn't want to be held all the time, is generally happy, doesn't cry much, sleeps nicely, etc. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with her, but I have no way to know now as she is generally normal and I just try to focus on that.

My oldest was never like this at all, she was happy to be left with almost anyone and I found that much less normal that honestly (my oldest is a normal kid, almost bat mitzvah, she is still very friendly and extroverted and rarely anxious, that's her personality).

In pregnancies with both my oldest and youngest I had health issues and a ton of stress and anxiety, probably even more in first than my last, but my first had almost no separation anxiety and my youngest has a ton. It isn't necessarily related to pregnancy or health issues or stress.

I don't know what to tell you, it is hard. Is she normal, will she be ok, I hope so. Try having someone watch her in your house, sometimes that works better that at least the environment is familiar. And try a transitional object to take with her (favorite stuffed animal, blanky, etc.).

amother

Geranium

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 2:49 pm

I think a lot of it is about the age. Yes, of course every kid is different, but at a certain point, it does get harder for them to get used to it if they're used to being at home with mom all day. BUT then they usually grow out of it when a little older and starting to feel more independent.

I had this now with my third. I work from home so I wasn't in a rush to send him out. But he was petrified of strangers. It started around 7 months, he would scream if I just took him to someone elses house, even with me being there. It got slightly better but I also couldn't leave him with a babysitter.

He did start going to gan this year when he was close to two and at that point he acclimated fairly quickly but only because he was ready for it at that point and enjoyed the stimulation of having other kids around. Any earlier and it just wouldn't have worked out.

Even now, I wouldn't get a babysitter in the evening because I know he will possibly wake up and will scream if I'm not there. I can only leave him with my husband.

So yes it's not normal for every kid but I wouldn't say it's out of the normal range. Some kids are like this, but yes it's very hard.

amother

Bergamot

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 6:19 pm

Trust your instincts that you know this is not normal and that you feel this is related to what you had during pregnancy. It is very possible that it's due to that. Please don't keep trying any more babysitters until you sort this out, you will just make the anxiety worse.

I would recommend therapy. I'm only familiar with psychoanalysis, however other therapies may work too.

In the meantime, play peek a boo with her, so she learns the concept of mummy still being there even when you're hidden from view. Practice leaving her at home with your family for short amounts of time, see how that goes. Then try with a babysitter in your own home. See how that goes.

I'm very curious what the physical issue you had was, that made you so anxious. I wonder if you could benefit from therapy to deal with that yourself? I wonder if you have fully dealt with your own anxiety related to that. (It’s possible that once you deal with your own anxiety, if you haven't yet, your baby's anxiety will reduce too)

the world's best mom

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 9:53 pm

I have 7 kids KAH and some of mine were like this. My current baby only slept in my arms for the first year of her life. Maybe went down while sleeping for around an hour each week. Nobody else could hold her while she was awake. She played on the floor only while I was in easy reach.

Now she is 13 months old, and since her birthday she's been much better. She plays better on the floor, even when I walk away. In fact, one of her favorite people is my 11 year old son's best friend. He loves coming over because she loves him. And she will often ask to go to dh from my arms. She sleeps in the crib 1-2 hours a day now, usually.

I have never left her with a babysitter because I have teenage dds. But sometimes she screams with them and they call me to hurry home. I left her with dh a few weeks ago to go to a women's melave malka, and he ended up bringing her to me there because she was crying for me. (I was happy to have her there when she came, because it was after the speech was over and I enjoy her company too.

My son who was like this also outgrew it the week he turned a year old. After that, it's a slow process, but there are big improvements from time to time.

amother

Peony

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:55 am

amother Denim wrote:

Did the OT help?
My baby didn't seem to be born with anxiety per se, has always been super happy and friendly, but sleep issues were since birth. I thought this one I would crib train young but from day 1 he almost never slept independently.

she definitely improved, I'm never 100% certain if it's the therapy that helped of just the age, but I believe it is helpful- I'm still taking her for mnri. and she is still a lousy napper, but does sleep thru the night 12 hours.

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 4:06 am

amother Peony wrote:

I'm no expert but I dont see how pregnancy could have caused this issue, but I will add that I did start with mnri(OT) for this anxiety in my baby at 4months- shes a year now. I did lots of research and spoke to professionals- some kids are just BORN with anxiety.
also wondering- when she cries how does she like to be calmed? does she like/dislike to be cuddled.

I Did this for my 4 year old that was extremely clingy and anxious. Like if anyone came to the house she needs to be holding onto my skirts. Never played at school, never spoke at school. Woke up every night screaming. She's a very sensitive child and I we both also have mild anxiety. The mnri was like a miracle and she's now like a different child. She's still sensitive and anxious but it doesn't interfere with our daily life.