I don't know a healthy balance, can you teach me?

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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amother

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 12:59 pm

My husband is always save save save. He never wants to spend on anything and prefers to save as much as possible always, he has zero materialistic desires.
Facts on the table are that we have a growing frum family and we don't have high salaries. We are not in debt now but we haven't hit the big expenses yet of bar mitzvahs, yeshivas, seminary, weddings. Our oldest is 14. We have some savings but nothing significant.
I never know if I should spend money on things or how to calculate if I should spend and enjoy now or save for later. I am referring to things that are not necessities.
My husband refuses to create a budget, he doesn't believe in one. His version of a budget is pay your bills and the rest save. He knows that I have needs that aren't just literal necessities and he more or less keeps quiet. I do want to live responsibly even if I don't want to live like him.
What advice can you give me?

amother

DarkGray

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 1:03 pm

wow. I am much younger than you but my husband is the exact same way..

I didnt know anyone else thought like that.

im curious what people have to say.

zaq

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 1:15 pm

Where partners have such divergent financial styles, it's a good idea to have his-hers-theirs accounts. You agree on certain things, usually fixed or recurring expenses like mortgage, tuition, insurance, basic groceries, tzedaka, and so on. That goes in THEIRS. You get a certain sum in HERS, for you to spend, save , donate or invest as you see fit. He gets a sum in HIS for him to do with as he sees fit. You can add accounts designated for specific purposes such as future simchas, and an emergency fund for unforeseen situations. Once funds are in your account, your dh has no say as to what you do with them, just as you have no say as to what dh does with the funds in his.

amother

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 1:37 pm

This is not a sholom bayis question or issue. He does not stop me from spending or make any demands of me. Here and there he'll make a comment that he's told me not to take seriously, he knows he has financial anxiety.
I am asking about myself. How do I know how to spend or when to spend? I totally get that we need to save money when we can but I don't know how to make these judgement calls for myself.

imasinger

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 2:10 pm

It's a useful strategy to think about setting a certain percentage of income straight into savings. You can do the math -- there are online tools to help. How much do you think you'll need to save for the big expenditures? If you put money in an interest or income earning account, and you know how long before each simcha, the program can spit out how much you'll need to save.

Alternatively, can you give us some ideas of what kind of expenditures you're talking about, and the percentage of your take home pay that they would be?

amother

NeonPink

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 2:47 pm

Your husband sounds exactly like me Sad

I wish I wasnt and always tell my husband not to take my anxiety seriously. I dont want to spread it. It makes me so sad to see him now checking the prices of groceries before he buys.

giftedmom

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 2:57 pm

You and him together decide on a no-questions-asked discretionary amount that you can spend every month. Then whatever is within those limits spend without guilt.

amother

Steelblue

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 3:49 pm

I'm in a similar situation. I think I reached a point of spending that I'm happy with.
I know that the boundaries are: I want to spend more than bare necessities; I want to be putting some money into savings. (If you have a min and max number per month, that might help.) Within those parameters, I want to aim for feeling like my best self:

If I'm worried about my kids having a snack because I'll have to spend money on more snacks, then I should be buying more snacks in the first place
If I say no to myself about every treat I saw in the store and then I get home and all I can think about is the danish I want to eat (but don't have), then next time buy myself one of those many treats
If I keep noticing that my clothing is old or I don't like it or something, then buying something new will have a positive impact on my life.
If I buy a new dress and never wear it, then I'll think more about a similar purchase in the future
If I slightly prefer the bread that costs 3x as much, then I'd rather know I saved that money.

It's not about the cost in dollars, it's about the value that the money can bring to your life.

amother

Peachpuff

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 4:07 pm

My advice is to think of a set amount to immediately save and invest (in retirement accounts as well as mutual funds for simchas etc)
And after that buy things that are extras etc

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