S/O is this irresponsible

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:43 pm

Starting my own thread because I don't want to derail OP's.
Recently my husband expressed that he'd like to gift me an eternity band, in gratitude for all of my hard work.
Here's the thing. I'm the primary breadwinner (he's in kollel), and things are kind of tight. I have a few thousand in a separate savings account that I've been allocating toward a new shaitel (like the OP of the other thread, from work bonuses and personal gifts).
We have other savings as well, but not a huge amount, and I really don't like dipping into it.
I'm assuming any money for this gift would be taken from savings, as we don't have thousands of dollars lying around in our checking account, and my husband doesn't have any sort of side hustle he'd be doing to earn this extra money.
I really appreciate the sentiment, but I'm not a fancy person and don't feel the need for such an extravagant gift - and yes, it is extravagant in my mind, even though I'm under 30 and living in town and there are so many in my age and stage who get such gifts as a matter of course.
I'll note that I really don't have a lot of jewelry, I have a simple kallah bracelet (pre tennis bracelet trend), necklace, and earrings. I haven't gotten any new jewelry since we got married almost 10 years ago. Again, it's not something that bothers me, but I'm trying to figure out if that's a good reason to let him treat me and not feel uncomfortable with the money that would be spent.
So my question is, is it irresponsible to spend money on a gift that I would love, but possibly regret spending the money on, especially if it could mean cutting into my shaitel fund? Should I just let go and let my husband treat me and figure out the money?

hodeez

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:48 pm

Can you say no thanks I'd rather get a wig?

amother

NeonPink

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:51 pm

I'm also married 10 years and my DH bought me a gift for our anniversary.
Honestly I'm really upset about it, though obviously I didn't tell him.
He spent a couple thousand dollars on a watch.
We are trying so so hard to save for a house and this was was really unnesecary.
I'm a very simple person and rarely get dressed up. It's gonna sit in my drawer except for the maybe 5 times a year I wear it.
I get where my dh was coming from, he knows I live so simply and he really loves me and wanted to treat me. But I really feel it was an irresponsible move on his part.

OP if my husband would have asked me first I would have told him not to get it.

Also gifts are really not my love language and really don't mean much to me to be honest.

amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:51 pm

hodeez wrote:

Can you say no thanks I'd rather get a wig?

I feel like that's just saying, "no thanks" since the new wig is a given that I will purchase when I need to with the money that I saved. I just don't need a new one yet.

amother

Dill

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

I feel like that's just saying, "no thanks" since the new wig is a given that I will purchase when I need to with the money that I saved. I just don't need a new one yet.

I wouldn't buy a ring , is there anything else you would like

amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:55 pm

amother NeonPink wrote:

I totally hear your frustration! I happen to like gifts, but they definitely don't have to be so expensive to make me happy. We're also dreaming of buying a house one day, but in today's climate feels nearly impossible. It's what our savings are really building toward, and I'm going back and forth between thinking it's taking from being able to buy a house and thinking that a few thousand is just a drop in the bucket...

amother

Firethorn

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:56 pm

My husband wanted to buy a bracelet that we couldn’t afford. I told him no thanks. The sentiment is appreciated but I would only get stress from it. When our financial circumstances change, we’ll do it then.

Tell him we don’t really have the money for it, I’m saving for a sheitel and can’t wait til I get that.

amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:58 pm

amother Dill wrote:

I wouldn't buy a ring , is there anything else you would like

Not really. I want a robot vacuum/mop, but we're most likely getting that anyway (we don't have cleaning help and I think it would be a game changer).
Now I feel like I sound spoiled! Should I just get the robot and call it a day?

amother

Winterberry

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:58 pm

So he wants to buy you a gift with money you earned and need to live on? If he really wants to gift you the ring he should figure out a small job he can do to earn the extra money and use that for the ring.

amother

Dill

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 1:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

Would you wear not real jewelry?
Swarovski?
It sounds like you appreciate the sentiment but don't want to spend

amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:02 pm

amother Winterberry wrote:

I hear that. But then I'd also feel bad that he added to his already very full plate to buy me a gift.
I think what the poster above said resonates. When we have the money to justify it, I'll be happy to accept it.
Just because he is offering doesn't mean mean I should accept it. I don't need to have everything that comes my way as a possibility.

amother

Cadetblue

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:06 pm

My dh wanted to buy me an eternity band (it’s only halfway around as per my preference and cost was about $1300) and although I didn’t initially want it I said yes and I’m glad I did. He took the money from a stock account had- and closed out the account
We do have a home though bH so I guess you have to decide if you want to spend the money vs save
But I don’t think either choice would be irresponsible. Just don’t let it become a habit.
Don’t let it come from your sheitel fund

kneidelmeidel

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:22 pm

Could you kindly say that, you so appreciate that he wants to recognize your hard work, but would find it hard to justify the expenses at present, could he maybe write all these feelings of gratitude in a card, and gift you that instead with or without a small something you like?

amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:28 pm

amother Dill wrote:

Would you wear not real jewelry?
Swarovski?
It sounds like you appreciate the sentiment but don't want to spend

In my mind I'd rather wait and spend money on a real, valuable piece, since again, I'm not a big jewelry person.

amother

Gold

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:13 pm

I got a gorgeous half way around lab grown eternity band, if that’s something you’d feel comfortable spending

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:19 pm

My dh would be so insulted if I said any of these things to him. He wants to make me happy and if I said no thanks it would basically be telling him 'you don't know how to make me happy', which is a big slap in the face for him.
Personally what I'd do is tell him what I want instead, without bashing the thing he offered.
Ex: "Wow, thanks!! That's so nice of you! Gosh, feels so good that you notice and appreciate how much I do. Thank you!! You know what I'd really love? I'm dreaming of a new wig/robot vacuum/fill in the blank"

zaq

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:55 pm

"Irresponsible" is not quite the right word, if you can afford the expense, but "inadvisable" is. For one thing, IMHO it's quite a chutzpah for a man to suggest using the money his wife earned to "buy" her a gift. (It's different if you both earn money and pool your resources together.) If he really wants to get you a gift, he should find a way to earn the money himself. you may, of course, feel otherwise. Either way, I see no point to getting a "gift" you don't really want, no matter who earned the money to pay for it.

amother

Jean

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 5:06 pm

Your husband should do something on the side to put away money to buy you a gift
It may take a few years but it makes way more sense then dipping into your hard earned savings

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