Could have gone on a Pesach Program

familyfirst

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 2:35 pm

Dear OP-
You are not entitled and there is nothing wrong with you. If this was a regular situation where mother in wow did most if the arranging or cooking and yiu out her in that’s one thing. But you sound like you’ll be the live in cook- and invited for some meals. Wrong in si many levels.

Sounds like this is t an issue of kids seeing thr grandparents. Plenty of opportunity for that.
Something’s gotta change.

amother

Lightpink

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 2:45 pm

I know at least 2 women who have families that go to programs while their in-law families stay home.

Once they had more than 2-3 kids, they stopped going to the inlaws and just went to the hotel with their families.

So, OP, don't worry about the future. Just worry about this year. And try to work on your jealousy. It's quite apparent that you're extremely jealous of your luxury-basking family. Work on that, because life doesn't always go the way it has in the past.

Have another baby. Time it for Adar. Go with your parents next year. (Not kidding. If you have IF problems, I apologize in advance.)

As you get older, you will become much more comfortable telling your MIL no. It's just the way of the world.

I just hope that when you are a MIL, you are okay when your son doesn't come home for pesach after the first 3 years of marriage because his IL's program is more luxurious than yours. And I don't mean that facetiously. That is the message your children will grow up with, and you have to be okay with that.

Regarding the 2 women I mentioned above - one MIL is super chilled and doesn't care. The other MIL cares very much that her son chooses not to spend pesach with them, but there's nothing she can do about it. It's sad. (But she isn't controlling or demanding. She's just not luxurious enough for him anymore.)

naturalmom5

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 2:55 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

Huh? She has to help, because it's basic derech eretz & mentchlichkeit! Nothing to do with kibbud av.

I will be the verse of dissent here
Her parents are willing to pay for a nice program
If her inlaws had a large gorgeous home and help to make nice yom tov meals, of course you must stay by them
If her inlaws are destitute , call Tomchei Shabbos, clall yisroel wants to help
If they are just karg , she doesnt have to suffer all of pesach just because some man put a ring on her finger

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 2:56 pm

OP Can this help you if you are going to Inlaws. Can you rent an apt. nearby. this way you have some space to spread out. Also buy certain ready made food. You can buy anything really in large shops. Maybe you can do that at least for the Seder nights and Days. Meat, potatoes, kugel fish, sides. buy nice plates and throw away cups so no need to wash. You can make it nice. (I think you mentioned your Inlaws have some money. DH should ask for thesethings.

amother

Dahlia

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 3:00 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

amother

Grape

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 3:06 pm

My inlaws don't have money, so we couldn't go to a pesach program, even if we wanted to. (neither do my parents).
My inlaws struggle to do what they used to do and the few times we have been to them in the past few years, I've ended up doing almost all the work. Other yomim tovim, I make the food at home and bring it with, but Pesach, that's too hard.
I don't look at it as a big deal. I think it's partly attitude. I'm happy to contribute and help out. I would hate to just sit around bored. Also my mil would make food (just not great food or very much), so it isn't like I HAVE to do the food. She doesn't expect me to do it all and appreciates my help.

Cheiny

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 3:12 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

It's not a must to go to a hotel. Just because someone can afford to go to a hotel, doesn't mean that they have to go!
There's nothing wrong with being home for pesach.

But expecting all the kids to cram into a small apartment for the entire YT and do all the work for them isn’t fair, especially if you can afford to hire help, or pay for better options…

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 3:43 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

Sorry, but this isn't just about being luxurious enough! OP is invited but expected to do all the work!!!!

amother

Natural

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 4:13 pm

SUCH posters are the reason I say not to spoiled , rich girls by shidduchim. They can't relate to NORMAL peeling of potatoes for pesach or helping when you narrow lucky enough to be hosted by in laws. I feel sorry for your husband that you've deprived him of a homey seder all these years. (From how it comes across in your post.)

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 4:21 pm

amother Natural wrote:

Such posts are the reason I stay away from narrow minded people who can’t understand other perspectives.

I’m from a completely different background than OP, but it’s quite understandable that it’s difficult to give up a luxury vacation and instead do the work that your hosts should really be doing.

amother

Oxfordblue

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 4:38 pm

A couple things I’ll chime in with:

I can relate, because I grew up ONLY going to programs. It’s a hard adjustment going into making pesach yourself, especially when most of the work falls on you. And yes, we know what pesach entails even if we’ve never made it before. Doesn’t make it less hard to do.

I agree OP sounds a little entitled, I don’t think it’s fair to say that in laws should be going to hotels just because they can afford to, but I understand where she’s coming from if they want to sit back and relax and let her do all the work for them. That isn’t right at all.

I don’t understand what OP means by they put their foot down. Only husbands and wives decide where and what they do, so OP do you mean your DH caved to their pressure and put HIS foot down?

Personally I do not go to my in-laws for pesach. Nothing to do with them not going to programs or it being more work, but because they do not treat me well and we don’t have a good relationship. Married 10 years and it hasn’t happened yet, though I try to go for shabbos a couple times a year (25 hour periods are all I can handle- barely). There are no rules, and everyone does what works for them. As long as you and DH are on the same page, and there’s a balance between protecting your mental health but also your shalom bayis.

Tips for future if you and DH are in agreement- pick an excuse/response and stick to it. Mine is “thank you so much for inviting us, we really appreciate it and would have loved to spend Pesach with you. Unfortunately we already made our plans to go to xyz this year. We would love to come for a shabbos after though, if you’ll have us”. Rinse and repeat as necessary. Every time it’s brought up- “when are you available so we can arrange a shabbos or get together instead?”

amother

Oxfordblue

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 4:40 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

What's so difficult about staying in a small apartment and peeling lots of potatoes? As long as there are enough bedrooms for everyone, I can't see why it's such a big deal.

I’m sure it’s more than just peeling potatoes, but even so. Something that isn’t difficult for you doesn’t mean it’s easy for everyone.

It’s not that hard to understand why it’s tough to watch your family live like kings on vacation while you do a lot of work that was kind of forced on you.

Comptroller

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 4:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hi,
I married a different background which didn’t bother me except when it comes to Pesach! My family goes on 5star programs and my in laws spend Pesach stuffed into a small apartment and eating very minimally. I always thought my in laws would understand but this year they put their foot down and we have to be with them for yuntif. I am nervous I am going to have to work, cook, clean… because my in laws are very helpless. They don’t really know how to take initiative and I know my sister in law tends to do a lot. I am just super frustrated because my family will be relaxing and eating lamb chops while I am peeling potatoes. And we are also super stressed if they will offer breakfast/lunch or we will have to eat out all those meals while still being there. I know I have a bad attitude about this but is it wrong if I put my foot down and not be helpful? I don’t really understand why we aren’t getting catering or going on a program because they can afford it they just don’t like to spend. It would be fine if they took care of things but it will end up being me and my sister in law.

Why do you have to go there davka on pessach, if you dislike it so much?

chestnut

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 5:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

It’s the OP here and I guess I should have phrased things better. Bottom line is I am expected to do more work than my MIL. We are going because it is Kivud Av vEim but I am struggling with that mitzvah. It is frustrating because we are only doing this to honor my in Laws but my in laws don’t work hard they just delegate. They expect my husband to work very hard, for example right after I gave birth they booked a hotel for Shabbos without asking us and we had to host them for Shabbos. I couldn’t turn them away once they were in our city.

It is frustrating because we spend plenty of time with them, it isn’t like they never see my baby. But now we will be looking at pics of my family relaxing and having fun while we are slaving away. I guess I will take the mussar and try to refocus to allowing the opportunity for my baby to spend time with cousins. I just wish we had a different situation or it would be socially acceptable for us to say we need to be provided food if we’re by you or we will not work harder than you.

OP, what exactly are you expected to do more than you MIL? How do you know she expects it?
When before Yom tov are you arriving there?
Do you come for succos or shabbosim during the year? What are you doing in terms of cooking, cleaning, and serving then? Do they have breakfast and lunch then?
Can you go for half Yom tov to them and half - with your parents?

Last edited by chestnut on Tue, Apr 16 2024, 5:48 pm; edited 2 times in total

amother

Green

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 5:05 pm

How often do you see the in laws?

I have a niece who married into a family that goes away. She spends every Pesach with her in laws and her parents are happy that their daughter gets to enjoy this luxury even though it means that she and her husband never spend Pesach with them. BUT, they live nearby and and are together very often for Shabbat and other chagim. I don't think my bil and sil would ever think of "insisting" that they come for Pesach. I like to think that as a mom, if my child had the opportunity to go away, I would be happy for them if somewhat disappointed for me. If I saw my child very infrequently during the year, I might feel differently though.

amother

Sand

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 5:19 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

This thread literally left me feeling sick. Beginning with the heading - could have went Twisted Evil

- and then the actual post which was just beyond. It’s either Pesach parody and I’m too tired to realize it or I accidentally dropped in on the young imamothers of planet Z in a distant galaxy far from human intelligence. Thank you for helping decide I’m much happier getting back to what I was supposed to be doing. Wishing everyone a nice chag.

It's bein hazmanim. The whole thing smells of it. From the vocabulary to the stupid scenario that nobody would agree to.