Could have gone on a Pesach Program

amother

Gray

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 5:42 pm

amother Gray wrote:

Another idea why dont you make pesach and invite your in-laws

You can also take them to a program, pay for a chef whatever will make your life easier

amother

Apple

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:08 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

It's not a must to go to a hotel. Just because someone can afford to go to a hotel, doesn't mean that they have to go!
There's nothing wrong with being home for pesach.

Op I totally get you. My in laws do not prepare anything normal, and they know what normal is. We don’t go.

When they go to hotels we join so we get to spend time together ( we pay and we never spend that kind of money on anything else, and it’s really not a good program).

doodlesmom

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:16 pm

Op I’m imagining in laws that aren’t young anymore and can use the help from their kids…
And if I would be in their shoes I’d be sad if every year my son chooses to go with his in laws to the fancy pesach program and they can barely manage to get pesach in order.

When you marry into another family the whole family does become part of the package!

Somehow I’m thinking of the thread with the young newlywed who isn’t coming for pesach to her mom….

Families are part of the package unless…..

amother

Apple

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:18 pm

doodlesmom wrote:

But the op said when they are not with kids they go to the hotel. Is it really fair to expect your kids to come and make pesach for you if you can afford help?

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:20 pm

doodlesmom wrote:

No.
When you marry someone you are marrying them.

Family is not part of the package called marriage.

Yes, for kibbud av veaim you can see how to have your family spend time with them and make them happy. You don’t must move your family in for all of pesach because that is what you desire. Visiting with the kids one day of chol hamoed suffices for mitzvas kibbud av veaim.

doodlesmom

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:20 pm

amother Apple wrote:

But the op said when they are not with kids they go to the hotel. Is it really fair to expect your kids to come and make pesach for you if you can afford help?

Maybe they really hate it but don’t have a choice when the kids can’t come?
Maybe they would love to spend time with their kids but can’t pay for both?

doodlesmom

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:21 pm

amother Outerspace wrote:

I f your parents and in laws need you, then yes you help them out!

It’s part of the package!

Definitely consider all the family circumstances when marrying someone! It’s part of the deal!

My husband was the first sil in a home without a father….you bet he had to step up!

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 7:27 pm

doodlesmom wrote:

I f your parents and in laws need you, then yes you help them out!

It’s part of the package!

There’s need and want.

If they want you to stay for all of pesach but every year that your not there they manage just fine then you don’t have to feed their every want.

If they are elderly and they need you and your husbands physical assistance to make pesach it’s a different story.

OP sounds more like a want of his parents.
Visiting on chol hamoed would be a good way to fulfill their wants without feeling resentful.

amother

Jean

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 8:19 pm

Op are your in laws capable but would rather delegate or are they just not physically capable?

It's a very big deal for a father to have his son at the seder. If they need everyone to chip in to make yom tov happen that's different that them being lazy etc.

Re a small apartment, that's just reality for lots of folks & they still host their adult kids.

amother

Lightgreen

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 9:35 pm

amother Mintcream wrote:

That’s the understanding I got from your op. Really not ok for them to expect you to come and then delegate the work to you. The host needs to do the bulk of the work.

If it were me I’d tell dh they are his parents and he needs to roll up his sleeves, you will only help a limited amount. At the end of the day you do not have the mitzvah of kibud av, only your dh does.

You’re not spoiled for expecting your host to actually host you. If you begged for the invite it would be different but that’s not the case.

Maybe the expectation of young healthy 20somethings being wined and dined by elderly parents is not realistic. The entitlement is really crazy here.

chestnut

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 9:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

I just wish we had a different situation or it would be socially acceptable for us to say we need to be provided food if we’re by you or we will not work harder than you.

I'm not understanding the bolded. You're ok to "work harder than" them only if they "provide food"?
So what do "working hard" and "providing food" mean in your situation?

chestnut

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 9:48 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

Maybe the expectation of young healthy 20somethings being wined and dined by elderly parents is not realistic. The entitlement is really crazy here.

"in a small apartment".
This is my gut feeling as well. It doesn't sound that these in-laws want OP to be a Cinderella making pesach for them, like many here think...
If it's a legit post, that is.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:23 pm

amother Rose wrote:

I do not get any responses.
I make Pesach myself every year in my tiny apartment so I get the work involved.
But can't any of you understand OP?
She is used to a luxurious Pesach and she wants to go! Her in laws do not seem to be generous hosts by any stretch of the imagination (so don't think of going to YOUR in laws where you stay in an extra bedroom and hang around the living room and 80% of the work involved is done by your mil!)
They live in an apartment- not sure how OP is squishing in. Either way a 3 bedroom apartment is way smaller and squishier than a 3 bedroom house so you can't compare...

Of course it's hard for OP! She sounds like she's going anyways (I'm still unsure why you don't have a choice), but I would ask MIL for a list of tasks she'd like done the next day every night and then tell her which ones are feasible for you.

Hope you have good Yom Tov!

Making Pesach in my tiny apartment just for my family is way way easier than being a guest at my parents and slaving for `15+ people!!

Nothing like being your own boss.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:25 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

Maybe the expectation of young healthy 20somethings being wined and dined by elderly parents is not realistic. The entitlement is really crazy here.

She doesn't want to be wined and dined at all!!

She'd prefer to make her own arrangements and spend quality time together as a family a different time. That's fair. Parents don't own their kids. The entitlement of parents...