S/o Parenting with limited finances

amother

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 5:54 pm

So another thread got me thinking. My kids are still young so want to get this right. We dont have a lot of $$ (although have what we need) but I would be so hurt if my kids one day grew up and decided never to come to me for pesach because their inlaws gave them extravagant things. This is not just pesach lets say fancy vacations etc…
Any ideas how to instill in my children to value quality time with parents over pure materialism?
Thoughts?

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:05 pm

I have divorced parents, and one is very wealthy and one is very poor. One lives in a huge house with lots of space and comfort, sponsors all the holiday hotel programs and gorgeous vacations, fancy meals out, shopping, etc etc. The other lives in a tiny house with very uncomfortable sleeping arrangements, cannot afford any extras.

I have a much closer relationship to the parent without money, we speak daily and see each other all the time. But I do spend more visiting time with the wealthy parent, in terms of shabbosim and holidays, and annual vacations or just going out. At the end of the day it’s very difficult to all squeeze into an uncomfortable space where DH and kids get lots of anxiety, and it causes issues. The fact that we don’t go as often does not affect our relationship though and BH we are very very close. And now that I have more space in my own home, they come to me all the time instead since I can host.

I think the first step is realizing that another parent who can offer things you can’t, doesn’t take away from your relationship. And that being happy for your kids and wanting them to enjoy certain things will only help your relationship be stronger.

Also keep in mind to curb your expectations. Even if your child doesn’t mind skipping out on the fancy, easy program, their spouse and children might care. They aren’t the only ones who make the decision and sometimes families have to choose what works best for them. Try to start working on yourself now to not take it personally, and be genuinely happy for them to experience those things. And it’s okay to be sad for yourself to miss out on time with them, but learn to not put that on them and be supportive of their choices.

amother

Olive

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:43 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

When doing shidduchim look for families that make pesach at home and value modesty and simplicity

As far as raising them, just raise them to be mentschlich and accepting and warm and good communicators.

Let your house if possible even if small be neat and tidy. And a warm (emotionally) place to be

K really hope you arent actually asking this.

amother

NeonOrange

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 7:07 pm

This is a little bit my life.

I was raised in a simple hard-working non-materialistic family. My parents are the last people to care about impressing others or getting fancy things. My in-laws are well off, and since marriage has actually become even more wealthy.
I also live near my in-laws and not my parents.

I know it causes my mother a lot of pain because she thinks we choose the in-laws over her and the fancy life over her.

As the child I can tell you it's really not always that black and white. I have a husband to consider. In my case I have travel to consider
A lot more goes into my decision of where to go when for Yom tov, then just who will give me a fancier experience, even if it doesn't look that way.

I do actually think though that my parents would think twice before making another wealthy shidduch. Because they actually do get resentful. Sad

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 7:22 pm

amother Olive wrote:

K really hope you arent actually asking this.

I have def said no to girls that come from wealthy families. I think marrying you so. To a rich girl is the worse thing u can do for them. Obviously it’s not the only thing to look for but having $$$ is a negative to us. I want a hard working thrifty girl who will support my son’s learning.

amother

Cherry

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 7:25 pm

amother Periwinkle wrote:

This. If you pressure your kids to come to you and miss out on things, they will be resentful. It’s about having a relationship where you understand they have their own wants and considerations and how often they come to you for specific holidays isn’t a barometer of how much they like you. Find other ways to bond.

giftedmom

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 7:26 pm

amother Chocolate wrote:

How has this become the norm? It’s backwards. It’s your son that is obligated to support his family.

amother

Apple

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 8:11 pm

Lightgreen has a valid point. You do marry a family, and it's not all about who's the top bocher and top maidel. It's not even just about middos. Cultural values play a very important role. My ds was redt a girl from a well-off family and called it quits after one date because he felt the gap in lifestyle was too wide. On the one hand I was disappointed because why shouldn't he enjoy a better standard of living, but at the same time I was relieved. No way we could possibly measure up financially. They would always be giving costlier gifts, definitely more comfortable and spacious accommodations for Shabbos and YT. We would forever feel less than at simchas and so on. A daughter from such a family would expect more from us, and probably from ds, than we or he could or would want to give. Like certain amothers here, she would probably find excuses to spend less time with us.

Where there's a financial gap, there's also a power imbalance, the cynic's golden rule being" he who has the gold makes the rules." And where it's the wife's parents who have the dough, the husband can't help feeling like less of a man. Who needs that?

amother

Forsythia

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 8:21 pm

My parents are wealthy (but not showy about it). My in-laws are not.

My siblings are wealthy. My siblings-in-law are (for the most part) not. And we are not. Dh is in chinuch, I work PT and stay home with my babies, and we prioritize a lot of things over money.

We have a good relationship with both my parents and my in-laws. It's true, it's physically easier to go to my parents' house than to my in-laws' house. But we go to my in-laws' much more often. My kids have a lot more to do with their kids. They sometimes feel uncomfortable with the cousins from my side, who "need" a lot more in order to have fun than they do.

I definitely have thought about the fact that I hope my kids marry people who put money low on the priority list. I think they'd have a really hard time relating to people who don't. And yet, I married dh and am doing fine. Do I sometimes miss having ribs for a special occasion, or going out to restaurants regularly, or flying places on vacation, or things like that? Sure. But my parents were still relatively frugal, for their income bracket. They didn't spend a lot, in general, on food or home decor or clothing. So I think I was able to easily adapt to a lower-key lifestyle.

Sorry, I'm rambling. But in short, raise your kids to have their priorities straight, and hopefully they will choose as a spouse someone who has their priorities straight. Talk about why you chose this lifestyle, or at least the benefits of it. And mean it, live it. That's all.

amother

Gladiolus

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 8:31 pm

Both me and my husband grew up in financially tight homes. I'm resentful more than he is.
His parents educated him abt finances, communicated in an appropriate way abt their financial situation and overcompensated in emotional support

While my parents never taught me abt investments, savings, down payments etc, and definitely didn't give me emotional support.

amother

Cinnamon

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 8:52 pm

Limited finance only becomes an issue for children when it effects your mental health.When they are young you could try non material rewards as much as possible. Let enjoying nature extra snuggles be the rewards. Let your children enjoy all the good and free parts of this world.

My two grandparents were very rich one always bought us presents and the other, my moms would complain as being stingy. It was my fathers mother. My mom grew up very spoiled. Truth is I never appreciated this grandmother as much as I should growing up because of the way my mom spoke about her. Yet, she always was complimentary. She mailed us cheap birthday cards each year, never forgot, always with nice messages. Took interest in us, we sent her pictures of us at school plays when she couldn't make it. She always made an effort to come. Or at least told us how sorry she was when she couldn't make it. We felt such pride that she spent 1 night chanuka, and 1 hour on purim, and the summer night together. We read together and played games around the dinner table. My other grandmother gave us alot and we enjoyed her generosity, her house with its luxuries but with some strings attached. Sometimes she got annoyed that we didn't treat are stuff well enough. We liked both Grandmas but there was more laughter and more confidence from the stingy grandma.

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 9:05 pm

The only thing you can do is lead by example. Fill them up with positive relationships and experience. Teach them to be givers not takers.

I don’t think marrying someone rich is inherently bad. It depends if they are raised the right values. Also sometimes you have to give up one thing for another.

A good example is the thread about going to in-laws because they paid for the ticket. I think the woman didn’t regret having rich in laws even though she is missing out on her family. (She would t be able to afford to go anyways) It’s a cost benefit analysis.

amother

Olive

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 11:43 pm

amother Chocolate wrote:

Thats very sad and a bit unfair. I mean you dont even look at a girl, if everything else is a good match but the parents are wealthy?
There is so much wrong eith the shidduch system already. And here is yet another example. Crying