My daughter’s wig is so long

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Forum -> Fashion and Beauty -> Sheitels & Tichels

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amother

Skyblue

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 5:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

I feel like I wasn’t a good enough mother and didn’t give over love of yiddishkeit properly. I know everyone here is going to hate my post, but that’s how I feel. I wish I could go back in time and do better.

If this is your concern, then you overestimate the amount of power you have over another person's life. You don't have that much power over anyone, not even your child. Your daughter was always her own person, regardless of how you wanted her to be. All you could do was share your values, send her to a school that taught those, and at the end of the day, she gets to learn that and make her own choices.

Stop taking responsibility for other people's choices. You are not that powerful. (I don't mean this in a mean way. A psychologist once said this to me when I was feeling guilty that someone else was upset. It was actually a freeing idea.)

amother

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 5:24 pm

Dear armchair therapists/bashers, did I ask for advice? Vents are vents.

What if I know my dd well (she’s not a new kallah) and know when something’s wrong? What if I know exactly what I wish I could change about my parenting, and it has nothing to do with what the bashers suggested. What if people could be honest here without being attacked?

Skyblue, that’s true that people make their own choices, but I could have done better at helping this dd (who cares a lot about what other people think) when she was younger. I kept thinking she would grow out of it. I should have been more proactive.

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 5:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

It says look at me. It says I don’t feel good about myself, give me attention for my looks. It indicates an inner lack of connection with Hashem. It goes along with her not getting up to daven anymore.

It’s so painful as a mother to see.

It actually says none of that, OP. This is what you choose to "hear" from it. It's your own interpretation.

And there's no chiyuv for a married woman to get up to daven. A woman's prayers are between her and Hashem. Why are you trying to get in the middle of that?

If you want to burden yourself by interpreting her actions in the least charitable way, that's really a personal choice.

Crookshanks

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 5:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

People don’t just randomly decide to wear a wig that’s long and unrefined when none of their friends do. It’s not a neutral choice. It says look at me. It says I don’t feel good about myself, give me attention for my looks. It indicates an inner lack of connection with Hashem. It goes along with her not getting up to daven anymore.

It’s so painful as a mother to see.

Speak for yourself, my dear.

Also, no.
Also, ew.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 5:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

Whatever the specifics most everyone in this stage of life understands you to at least a certain degree. It hurts to see it as our own failures, wishing we had done better. But we go on, daven for them, love them and hope for the best. I don't think anyone can necessarily understand this fully before they are parents of adults. Every flaw of our own we see what its effects were on our children. But we want the whole world for them.

Maybe there can be a subforum for parents of adult children. This stage of life brings up a lot of new emotional challenges that mainly are ours to figure out for ourselves and not really to share with others.

So if Hashem knew you would be imperfect and that would leave your children with their own challenges Scratching Head

I guess He meant them to have those beginning circumstances and challenges? I guess it applies if you are a parent who cares and tries. And our challenge is to be forgiving of our younger selves, to accept that we did the best we knew how and were capable of at that time.

amother

Bluebell

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 5:44 pm

This post is triggering to all the daughters out there with mothers that share your view... 😢

amother

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 5:56 pm

Thank you Snowflake, for your kind words. What you said is so true.

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 5:57 pm

I’m just curious if you’d care this much if someone near you was speaking juicy lashon hora about someone you know.
There is nothing wrong with a long wig. It may not be your community standards but it doesn’t make it wrong. Live and let live.
This is what’s wrong with our Judaism. We added on so many ridiculous things as “Halacha” that we don’t know our rights from wrongs.
Your daughter listens to the Torah and covers her hair?! Beautiful. You should be so proud of her.

amother

Acacia

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 5:59 pm

Op I totally understand you.
It is very painful when kids make different choices that we would want them too. It has nothing to do with your chinuch.
It's a nisayon.
Daven for her and for all your other children too.
Our job is to keep quiet and love them for who they are no matter what level of yidishkeit they're at. Concentrate and appreciate her qualities and her strengths.

Signed, a mother in a very similar situation (I don't have any married daughters but my wonderful daughter in laws don't dress tzniusdik and it bothers me too!)

amother

Stoneblue

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:02 pm

Do you wear the same wig as your grandma?

amother

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:03 pm

Seafoam, be real, please. If your dd did something that very publicly differed from what her friends and community does, and you saw other things changing with her yiddishkeit, how many mothers would just say it’s great, it’s fine, I’m so proud.

(edited for clarity)

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

Be real, please. If your dd did something that very publicly differed from what her friends and community does, and you saw other things changing with her yiddishkeit, how many mothers would just say it’s great, it’s fine.

I would move away from a community that would make me feel bothered when my daughter did something different than them.
We don’t live our lives for our community. We subscribe to a higher power and his Torah. And if she’s doing nothing wrong according to the Torah and it’s making you feel uncomfortable in your community then it’s time to take a deep look within and at your life and see what you’re living for.

It’s back to Adam and Chava- when you start making up new aveiros then that’s where the problems start.

ETA I see you responded to me directly in the post above. My answer remains the same

amother

Holly

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:09 pm

She is newly married, she is playing around. Let her have fun. You raised her. Now she follows her DH. She likes it. MYOB. Tell her how gorgeous she looks. Her life, her decision.

amother

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:11 pm

Seafoam, I bH feel deep connection and joy in my yiddishkeit. My dd chose to stay in a similar derech to how she was raised. But, I think because she always cared a lot about others and about externals, she never developed a deep inner connection with Hashem. I figured that would come in time. Now I have regrets that I didn’t work on this issue more when she was younger. I don’t see this as a problem of our community. It’s a beautiful community. The framework is a very good one.

Some wigs look unrefined, I don’t think that’s a crazy statement.

amother

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:13 pm

My dd isn’t newly married.

Maybe because I said new wig, people thought that. What I meant was she got a new wig, not that wigs are new to her.

amother

Gray

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:13 pm

amother Holly wrote:

She is newly married, she is playing around. Let her have fun. You raised her. Now she follows her DH. She likes it. MYOB. Tell her how gorgeous she looks. Her life, her decision.

OP said she is not newly married.

amother

Bluebell

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's her Avoda to work on. Not yours. What are all the ways that you see she is doing great? I'm sure there are plenty!

Can you list them for us?

amother

Peach

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

Dear armchair therapists/bashers, did I ask for advice? Vents are vents.

You did end you initial post saying "bash away!". That's pretty much asking for it.

amother

Amaryllis

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:17 pm

Is your dd newly married?

They are still trying to find their "look". I realized with my newly married dd it was best to keep quiet. B"H she is covering her hair!

My dd completely refused to look at any snoods when she was engaged. She reluctantly bought one to wear. During Sheva brachos I bought her the same style in a bunch of colors. They are all she has basically worn this Yom Tov, except a handful of times she's worn her sheitel2

Of course we notice things. Mine refused to cut or thin out her very long, very thick hair so her sheitel will fit better. She has a huge bump in the back that doesn't look great. Everyone told her she'd need a trim. Her choice though.....

amother

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:21 pm

Peach. A wry comment indicating that you know imamother attackers are about to descend is quite different than asking people “what do you think I should do”.

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