My daughter’s wig is so long

amother

Olive

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 7:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

I hope not, because I don’t want my dd to know how I feel. Just venting.

I feel like I wasn’t a good enough mother and didn’t give over love of yiddishkeit properly. I know everyone here is going to hate my post, but that’s how I feel. I wish I could go back in time and do better.

I’m so sorry that this hurts you, I could imagine that it’s hard.
As a young mom of girls, could you tell me what you would’ve done different? I want so much to instill a love for Torah and yidishkeit in my kids and can use your advice.

zaq

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 8:31 pm

THERE.ARE.NO.GUARANTEES. You can do everything "right" according to the prevailing wisdom of your generation, and you may still have children go OTD, or what you interpret as OTD. For some parents, OTD means they share cheeseburgers on the steps of the shul on Yom Kippur with their nonJewish live-in boyfriend/girlfriend, while for others OTD means they wear blue shirts and don't have peyess. Something tells me OP is more of the latter persuasion than the former.

Anyone who has studied the least bit of Jewish history, starting with Tanach, knows that even the greatest of tzadikim have had children who were not merely bad Jews but actual reshaim. It all started with Cain and Abel, sons of the same father and mother. Why did the one become the world's first murderer and the other the first murder victim? Yitzhak and Ishmael had different mothers, so we won't use them as examples, even though both were beloved sons of a righteous father. So let's consider Yaakov and Esau, not only sons of the same mother and father but twins, so we can't claim that one was born when the parents were inexperienced and the other later, after they had learned a thing or two. Each son followed his own natural bent when they were still in the womb, and there didn't seem to be much that their parents could do about it. Need I go on?

As my first boss used to tell all of us new recruits: You do the best you can and the rest you don't worry about. Hindsight is always 20/20, but what makes it particularly dangerous is that there is no way to prove or disprove any conclusions you draw. It's all second-guessing. You think you were too lenient--but maybe you were too strict. You conclude that you didn't preach enough--but maybe you preached so much that your child couldn't take it anymore and had to rebel or go mad. Maybe your child was never the pious creature you thought s/he was but was just waiting to grow up and move out so s/he could do as s/he liked without you breathing down his/her neck.

הכל בידי שמים חוץ מיראת שמים--and if that's not in His hands, it certainly isn't in yours.

amother

Bluebonnet

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:13 pm

When I got married 20 years ago my shaitel was considered long but it’s way shorter than what I wear today. Styles changed so much. Slowly my wigs got a little longer and longer they didn’t fit into my shaitel box anymore. And they really aren’t considered “long”. It’s long for short little me. I definitely consider shorter wigs to be more modest but I have to take my husband and teenage daughters into consideration. They become embarrassed when I don’t look in style. I am more comfortable in shorter but it’s not the style of the people around me to go shorter. I think my latest shaitel was 16 inches long and I had it cut so it’s not all that long but I know that it doesn’t fit into my shaitel box from 20 years ago so it’s definitely a lot longer than what I started out with. These days people are going longer. I can’t wait till going shorter becomes the style because it’s much more comfortable and yes, more tznius too.
Op, when I see that one of my kids is struggling, I tell them that the most important thing is that they are nice to people. Being nice/having good middos is what matters in life. Quietly I daven that they should have yiras shamayim too…

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:15 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

She obviously does not share your view on HER wig. I mean, she is the one wearing it. She must like how she looks and feels in the wig.
Sorry you dont like how your daughter looks, but please, do not say anything.

Not necessarily
there are many reasons one wears a wig like that-
they are hiding insecurities.
they are playing out a fantasy of their childhood - dressing up as someone else - so to speak.
their husbands like seeing them like that.
social pressures.
sheitel macher pressured her.
etc.

Many women buy sheitels and hate them or just wear them to please others. The length is a fashion dictate. Girls are pressured to look sxy, this is the world we are living in.
OP wrote that she came here to vent as opposed to saying anything to her dtr. She never said she didnt like how her daughter looks. A wig is just something we put on our heads, it isnt who we are. OP obviously loves and cares a lot about her dtr. Let her vent.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:50 pm

I'm not choosing sides here, just a thought- can we please be honest here, everyone? the long wigs Do look better zxier watever...I live OOT but in tri state area, and one of my coworkers, who doesn't cover her own hair, came in one day from a wedding in lakewood, and I quote, "Do they not realize they all look like a bunch of hookers, with their long zxy wigs and their 5 inch heels?"
That shook me up a bit.

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:56 pm

Ruchi wrote:

Can someone please explain me, why when a yiddishe mama is hurt and upset, that other posters thinks it's important to hurt her even further?

If you can't offer validation, sympathy, understanding or a good word, then just keep quiet.

אונאת דברים is very serious.

Many posters need to ask the op מחילה

Feeling hurt or "venting" doesn't give you a right to come on here and disparage a bunch of frum women without their being allowed to respond.

OP claimed that the only reason someone would wear a long wig was because of a bunch of terrible reasons. I don't even wear wigs but still found that false and offensive.

I know OP didn't intend her comment to insult a bunch of women on here, but the comment was really unkind, even if she's saying it because she's hurt.

Ruchi

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 10:10 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

Firstly, people need to be open minded and understand that this platform hosts women from all walks of life. What is acceptable and normal in one community can be considered unacceptable in a different community.
Please don't be judgmental towards other communities when you know nothing about their standards and way of life, or if you disagree with their way of life.

No woman should feel disparaged when the OP is NOT referring to them and doesn't mean them.

The ops reasons don't have to be agreeable with you. Please don't call them terrible, when you have no background understanding about her community, and way of life.

No reasons are justifiable to further hurt her and cause her more pain.

Again, if there is nothing nice to say, read, be tolerant, ignore and move on. DON'T HURT.

amother

NeonPink

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 11:23 pm

amother Burntblack wrote:

Yes I'd love to know too, as I have a daughter similar to what OP is describing and she is 12.

So your 12 year olds wig is too long?
Or your 12 year old would rather play dolls then daven?
Or your 12 year old looks like a h===ker
Or your 12 year old who is a halachik adult is displaying signs of growing up and developing a persona that is not identical to yours

Ruchi

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 11:36 pm

amother NeonPink wrote:

Here we go again. Another poster who doesn't seem able to control herself and thinks it's a mitzvah to display cynicism on the cheshbon of a mother who may be in Pain and is seeking guidance.

Just stop this behavior. You don't like a post? Why can't you be tolerant and ignore? Why????

amother

Tulip

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 11:41 pm

Dear OP, I get you.

At least 1 of my Dds chose a longer wig than I wanted to buy her as a kallah, but I chose to focus on maintaining as good a relationship as possible and kept my mouth shut even though I was paying for it!

I had this thought & then saw s/o write about it in a magazine some time ago.

Mature women who have raised a family, worked on their personal growth, and achieved in the workplace (or at least some of the above) usually care to look put-together but aren't overly focused on the latest styles & brand names etc.

Young women who don't yet have as many accomplishments tend to think of clothing, wig & makeup as being very tied to self-esteem. Most of them outgrow it.

And don't forget, if they see these styles on their friends, it looks normal to them.

So I try very hard to look away from what pains me & focus on the positive. My kids are working hard to support their family's Torahdik lifestyle. And they are wonderful mothers and caring daughters.

Hang in there, OP. You haven't failed. It's just a sign of the times.

chestnut

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 11:47 pm

Ruchi wrote:

I've noticed it many times. OP is venting and posters start pointing out everything that's wrong with her thinking and how SHE'S the problem.

Last edited by chestnut on Thu, Apr 25 2024, 11:48 pm; edited 1 time in total

SuperWify

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 11:47 pm

amother Papaya wrote:

lol. Frum women absolutely don’t look like hookers. Strange and rude remark on her part.

amother

Natural

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 12:01 am

Sometimes I think women are clueless about what kind of impression their shaitel gives off and they're not doing it out of promiscuity. I have a SIL who's very frum, her DH is a rosh kollel, and she always dresses very tzanua. Yesterday we all got together at the in-laws and her shaitel was in a very messy ponytail with lots of loose hairs hanging down her face, and it did not look tznius on her at all. To the point that I saw some of her BILs politely averting their gaze when she came into the room. I'm sure she had no intention of being eye catching and she was probably just struggling with the heat wave and put it in a pony while in the car or walking up the stairs without realizing what she looked like. I assume many women dress the way they do simply because they don't realize how it looks.

Bnei Berak 10

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 12:02 am

amother Snowflake wrote:

Whether anyone likes it or not there comes a day when kids are grown up that you see things clear as day and feel monkey see monkey do, where did I go wrong. Op is very normal and doing the healthy thing and keeping it to herself and I understand fully she is here for support & chizzuk because she isn't letting it be known irl.

Its very hard op. But iyh she will show you that you did a good job raising her in every way soon, and its just a passing phase.

And btw, I seen a lot of the new kallahs wearing ridiculously long wigs right now. (Saying this from circles where everyone is wearing some degree of long wigs) I personally feel this fad is too long to look good even from a fashion pov, because on especially these thin petite young women it looks like a mane/mop of hair and their face and body get lost in it, it must be whats in in certain young crowds.

The fad will pass. Next in line is very short again.

You are right. Short women with very long hair is a huge fashion faux pas. Ask non-jewish hairdressers and fashion experts.

amother

Starflower

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 12:09 am

OP, focus on the good side. Your dd is covering her complete head with a wig. She's fulfilling that mitzvah completely according to the stringent interpretation.

Imagine your feelings if she had chosen to cover only partially with a baseball cap (which some frum women in other types of communities do, I myself cover partially with a scarf).
Or imagine she didn't cover at all.
See the good in that she covers with a wig, like you, only longer.
She's a frum Jewish woman. She's not otd.

Her relationship with Hashem is her own responsibility. She's well past bat mitzvah age.
There's a reason women are specifically not obligated in time bound mitzvot, like full davening on time, like men.
According to many poskim, women can fulfill their mitzvah of davening by doing so briefly, once, any time during the day.
More and in time or in shul is beautiful but not a must. A woman is not a yeshiva bochur. There are other ways to connect to Hashem.

See the good in your dd.