My daughter’s wig is so long

Bnei Berak 10

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 6:36 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

Sorry, but I have to check fashion sense with a non Jew?

Ive seen short/synthetic wigs in a shocking color that I would consider to be as untzniusdik as the long real hair ones.
There is more to tznius than than length although I admit many super long ones are eye catching and meant to be that way .
The newlyweds are working it out, lets give them a chance to find their style - what works for them and is attractive to their husbands. Practicality will eventually kick in.
Im gonna state an unpopular opinion. We should be dressing to attract our own husbands and no one else.

I wanted to avoid the whole point of tzniout and instead emphasize the point of what is flattering and not flattering.
A non-jew has no skin in tzniout. Therefore if non-jewish hairdressers state that long hair isn't flattering if you are short you may believe them. After all it's their profession Smile

amother

Yolk

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 6:39 am

I didn’t read all post so sorry if this already said but you should know ( not bashing shaitlel machhors) but a lot of times when u buy a wig they convince you to go much longer then what you want , wear for a bit and then come back to cut it, they are nervous to cut too much and really pressure u to keep it long, I know it’s always hard for me to fight it bec I don’t wear long and always feel pressured, so maybe she just wearing it for a month or 2 until she recuts after realizing she needs it, so maybe give it a little time and will be somewhat better ( I know won’t be huge diff but maybe a little less in your face) hope this helps!

amother

Cognac

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 6:41 am

Can I just say I hate the playing dumb on this thread. I am charedi/ yeshivish. Walk into any down to earth dati leumi community in Israel and see how the women dress- feminine, nice, pretty not necessarily covering elbows or knees but the overall look is generally tzanuah. Walk into some hot event in Lakewood where every elbow is covered but the women look straight out of a fashion magazine. Please tell me which look is more tzanuah. Can we all be real for a second? Longer wigs are zexier. Thats it. Sorry, not sorry.

shachachti

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 7:36 am

amother Ecru wrote:

When our kids grow up it demands of us a whole new level of personal development.

I have an adult daughter that’s not completely frum and I went through this process in a more pronounced way.

I combed over the parts of her childhood that I didn’t show up enough for her. I felt deep regret and grief. I blamed myself and felt awful that things happened the way they did.

Then at a certain point I came to the realization that this was all meant to be. Like others have said, Hashem gave me just the right blind spots to create the recipe for my child’s destiny. I realized that even though her trajectory was turning into something very different than what I imagined - for my daughter - this is her journey and she’s meant to create some sort of light from this path.

I began to drop the judgement and shift towards acceptance. I realized most of my resistance to her was my ego

My ego wants her to be like me. To love Hashem the way I do. To stay within my comfort zone. To make me look good and feel good.

And Hashem chose differently. Through her journey he demanded so much inner growth from me.

What does it mean to love Hashem if I also make my daughter feel bad? A child can read our thoughts because it leaks out in the energy we carry.

Loving Hashem deeply means loving our kids deeply even if they don’t do things the way we see it should be. It’s seeing the good in them and never stopping to believe in the goodness.

But in order to get there we need to air out the petty side of ourselves. The part that is egoistic and devastated and wanted things our way.

Its interesting because when we first have these children we (mistakenly) assume that once the children grow up or once we marry off a child we won't have to do so much inner work.

In reality, having a grown up child step out of line, or having a married child or couple develop their own derech, can trigger us more than the biggest teenage tantrum.

If we think we're done with personal development once the children are grown we learn that it has just started.

If we think that we know the drills and we are done soul searching because we have done this thing for so many years, it hits us that we have to continue doing it all again.

OP I get you. It is hard to swallow when a child steps out of line socially.

It seems like you have many assumptions that had you done xyz things would have turned out differently.

I would challenge that.
OP what if you would've done xyz and things would still turn out the same?

It is excruciating to realize just how little control we have.
It is painful to realize that our parenting doesn't have that much impact in the end.

It is hard to let go and let God.

Our avodah as mothers of grown children is to learn that we don't have control over our child's destiny and that we never had.
Ouch. Yeah...

amother

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:24 am

I meant to not post further but had to respond to this. We are not the same person. I very much appreciate her emotional maturity and advocating for good middos on this thread. Many posters on imamother say hurtful things they would never say irl, forgetting the real person behind the post.

My dd and I had a lovely family chol hamoed outing yesterday and a long shmooze late at night yesterday. I continued to not say anything and to just enjoy her company. Me venting here about her wig does not mean that I’m a horrible mother or that we have a terrible relationship.

For those who asked what I wish I had done differently when she was younger: it’s a bit complicated but basically this. My dd has a natural beauty that people were always commenting on. Teachers, neighbors, always seemed to want to compliment her looks. She’s naturally very pretty, while the rest of my daughters are in my opinion beautiful but are considered regular by society. This dd grew up more insecure than my other daughters. I think there’s a correlation.

I’ll continue in a minute iyh.

amother

Melon

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:30 am

It's crazy that when it comes to tznius - people can't find it within them to hear someone else's point of view, be kind and validate!!
The OP is amazing in that she made sure not to express her feelings to her daughter! If she would have - that would be a whole different story!!!

But the fact that she's disappointed and sad - of course! It makes so much sense!

I wear a sheitel, but if I was Chassidish and wore a shpitzel and my daughter got married and bought a sheitel - I would be sad inside- and would try very hard to be loving, respectful and accepting towards her.

If I would complain about having a very small family and struggling with secondary infertiliity- I hope people wouldn't give me mussar or tell me to be grateful for what I have! I hope they wouldn't defend small families and say how special and beautiful they are! (They really are - but that would be so invalidating if I'm expressing pain...)

So why can't you all understand the OP's genuine, human feelings?!!

It's not a judgement on everyone who wears long sheitels - sad that you couldn't put your own stuff aside to feel for someone else.

essie14

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:49 am

amother Melon wrote:

You're comparing infertility to a shaitel?
There's no comparison.
If you came on here and said that your mother is criticizing you for having a small family when you have SIF, I guarantee you that 100% of the responses would be on your side and would say that your mother has mental illness if she's blaming you for SIF.

This situation is a mother who thinks that her daughter is "exceptionally beautiful " (OP's words) and therefore OP attributes that to her daughter having low self confidence and that OP should have raised her differently because now the daughter has such low self confidence, due to DD's exceptional beauty, that DD is now wearing a shaitel that OP thinks is too long and therefore not tzanua.
Not remotely similar to anything having to do with infertility.
Zero.

amother

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:51 am

My other daughters got complimented for their accomplishments or their middos. Today, as young adults, they care about styles and like to look put together, but don’t spend a huge amount of time thinking about what they look like. This dd always did. She would feel a lot of anxiety about her appearance, and still does, even though she hides it better now because it’s not socially acceptable to act like a high schooler.

When she was younger I should have asked adults not to focus on how she looked, and asked them to compliment her for things that are deeper than looks. For myself, because she was interested in clothes, hair, and later on makeup, and because I heard in parenting classes to meet the kid where they’re at and talk with them about the things that matter to them, I talked with her about that stuff. That was what excited her so that’s what we talked about (even though I was careful to always say that externals don’t matter beyond the basics). I would also talk about how the gashmius today is so out of control and difficult for the younger generation, but she always laughed that off with the attitude that I don’t get it.

I was busy with my younger kids and one with a medical issue, plus working full time, so I didn’t have tons of time. I should have tried harder in the time we did have to talk, to talk about things she did for chesed, or things she was learning in school. She wasn’t excited about those topics but I should have tried harder to get her excited about them. I should have shared more about things I was learning or things I was working on in avodas Hashem. She didn’t have a natural interest in those things, so I didn’t, because I focused on connecting with her over things she cared about.

I always thought she would outgrow this over time. But now I feel like I didn’t properly prepare her for life. If I could go back in time I would try very hard to give her attention for different things. I feel so much chiyus in yiddishkeit that I don’t think she feels (yet). I know part of it really is a maturity thing, but my other daughters have more depth and they’re in their twenties too.

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:58 am

stop blaming yourself op

it takes a village to raise a child and a whole set of genes and nature's beyond your control.

Your child's self-esteem is affected by his or her genes (yes, a strong "inner critic" can be inherited along with anxiety and/or depression genes), as well as his or her life experiences (of successes and failures).

im a not too busy mother of a low self esteem inner critical 17 yr old. its a journey she has to travel. ive tried so hard to focus on her talents and inner worth, but im not in control.

essie14

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 10:03 am

amother OP wrote:

Please stop blaming yourself.
You didn't do anything wrong and I know you think you're in control, but you're not. That's not how raising children works.
Your other daughters aren't less into their looks because of things you did or didn't do when they were younger.
Your children are different people. Different than you and different than each other.
Please please let your daughter be her own person with her own interests.
You're not doing yourself or anyone else any good by thinking like this.

shachachti

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 10:11 am

amother OP wrote:

Essie14, that’s a big assumption. Why would anyone with seichel think they can control outcomes? But I can look back at my marriage and parenting and wish I had done things differently, because absolutely how you interact with your kids and your spouse affects them and who they become. Otherwise why would we work so hard to improve our parenting and our interactions with our spouses, if we thought it would make no difference?

We would because we love them in this moment and forever

Not because we think there will be a better outcome.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 10:14 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Why do you think adult women are not capable of saying no? Women don't have any will of their own?

Capable? Of course. But from what I see, many just want to follow the trends, do what everyone else is doing etc. Buy what everyone else is buying from labels to brand names, select stores etc. Even recipes and foods - we want to buy the latest in food trend etc.

The younger more insecure are still finding themselves so they are especially subject to social pressure.

Is this all new to you?