123 Magic parenting method- feeling guilty

amother

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 8:18 am

I have a 4.5 year old that is an only child, and has difficulty listening to adults- specifically when doing things she doesn't want to do.
A developmental therapist we are working with suggested 123 magic. I started implementing the 123 technique, and it feels so wrong. I feel like I am being mean, and I can't shake the feeling that I am somehow harming my child..
When that first moment came that I got to 2, and she stopped doing what she was doing, instead of thinking "wow this works" I felt shame and regret, like I somehow scared her into listening by making her "take breaks" which really means timeout.

I thought about buying a cozy beanbag chair for her breaks, but this whole method has me feeling uncomfortable.

Has anyone used this method? I would love to hear other thoughts..

Thank you!

amother

Raspberry

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:16 am

I don't know, your kid is doing something she's not supposed to be doing and you found a gentle way to stop her. Sounds good to me. As your dd grows up, there will be things she will want to do but should not be doing. We all have things we'd love to do but can't. With a 2 yo that might be dancing on a table. Or holding a knife. With a 4 yo it will be different. Maybe you didn't think this was a big deal, but maybe one day it will be. Better for her to listen to limits. (I did not do this method, or any method really. But I do give consequences and thank Hashem when they work!)

amother

Navy

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:27 am

I just took a peak at the book on Amazon and I agree it gives off bad vibes. Your instincts seem right. Looks like one of these cold behavioral training programs. Basically, if you read this book "You can now control your kids without yelling and spanking"

Maybe get a parenting book, not a "discipline" book, as it says on the cover.

amother

Firethorn

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:35 am

I think it really depends on the kid an their issues.

If your 4.5 is neurotypical, they should generally respond to fun, play, natural consequences, connection. "Let's get pajamas and then I'll read you a story!" "Let's make a race to see who can get dressed faster!" "Come put your plate in the sink and I'll take down the markers so you can color!"

If there are some issues, like they are unusually defiant or oppositional, this may be from the more benign methods out there.

In general, I try not to view "listening to parents" as a goal unto itself. I think of what they need to be doing and figure out how to get them to do it, without getting into the whole obedience thing.

amother

Navy

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:41 am

My (dysfunctional) mother read a book back in the 90s, that says that if you're kids are upset about something, and ask you why, you patronize them by only answering them with "because I love you" instead of explaining or comforting. She used to literally weaponize that against us and get a kick out of how angry we got.

This book looks like that one. Is it?

oneofakind

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:43 am

What's beautiful about the method is in the first chapter - No emotion ( no yelling, no threatening etc) and consistency.
You could want to be the most gentle parent but when your kid will be doing something outrageous or dangerous or beyond annoying ( possibly to test limits so you'll finally enforce a limit and act like a parent) and is not cooperating, you will find yourself yelling, threatening things you won't actually do or hitting and then you'll be horrified at yourself.

The secret to healthy parenting is consistency and calmness.

amother

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:46 am

amother Navy wrote:

I have other parenting books for preschoolers, and they were not successful. My child is BH a strong, independent and intelligent 4 year old, and the gentler methods were not working. They would work at first, and then she saw right through them.
My goal isn't to teach her to listen. It is to show her that sometimes we have to do things even we don't want to- like going to the bathroom before we get in the car or going to sleep.

amother

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 9:50 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

Deleted

mha3484

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 10:18 am

I only make strong willed children lol. Its a life long avoda for them to understand why they need to do things they dont want to and the thing is constantly changing at each life stage. At 4.5 they just don't get it and for me being a drill sergeant did nothing to teach them.

I had a very hard time with my oldest when he was the age of yours and I happened to go to a speech by Ross Green who wrote a book called the explosive child. The method made way more sense to me and its worked really well for my kids. He has a website called www.livesinthebalance.org if you look at the parent section you can see if it resonates before spending money on the book. I really like that it has aspects of gentle parenting but the goal is that you come up with a solution that makes both the parent and child happy. My issue with gentle parenting is that its often too focused on the kid.

Last edited by mha3484 on Fri, Apr 26 2024, 10:20 am; edited 1 time in total

giftedmom

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 10:19 am

amother OP wrote:

Maybe I'll get her book. At this point I have a whole collection

May I kindly suggest that you try tuning out all of this outside noise and tuning into your own instincts? You know yourself and your child best. No parent child relationships are alike, and hashem gave YOU the knowledge to know what your child needs. She is only 4. You have time to figure this out

amother

Moccasin

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 10:31 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

Most Neurotypical children don't not just listen because there will be a sweet natural consequence (a story when in pajamas) neurotypical varies. But for many normal healthy developing children being inquisitive, independent,( strong will and stubborn at times to assert independence) includes defiance or not listening , rule breaking. Call it what you want but if your not living totally off grid and want a home with some seder /order .you will need to set rules and boundaries. If you don't the child's teachers will. There is nothing mean or dangerous about 1-2-3 magic. You can still talk to your children have conversation hear there opinions but it is the torah way for children to listen to their parents. Go ahead set rules. Your doing them a favor for life

amother

Raspberry

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 10:42 am

amother OP wrote:

So sounds like if this is working maybe it is good for you and your child. Does your dd react well to it. Does she still seem happy and does your relationship still seem strong and positive?

I remember once a friend of mine had a son, 9 or so, who would just walk out of the house and go wherever he felt like. I asked her why she doesn't keep him locked in the house as a consequence. (In Israel we can take the key out and the door is locked and can't be opened from inside. I know it's not always like that in the US.) She said "What, like a jail??!!!" And I said yes, like a jail. Sometimes kids need to learn to follow rules. That kid had plenty of freedom but has not grown into the healthiest teen.

Sometimes I can make cleaning up a choice and try to make it a fun game. And sometimes my toddler is in the mood to do it and sometimes not. But when my preschooler doesn't want to go to the bathroom and I know she needs to and don't want her peeing on the floor, I take her and put her on the toilet, even if it makes her cry. And if my 10 yo is extremely uncooperative with something like going to sleep sometimes I decide he needs to stay home the next day instead of going to a friend.

I don't know 123 Magic specifically, but it sounds like it's counting to 3 and then giving a time-out if child doesn't listen. Sounds pretty reasonable to me. If your dd is responding well to it and seems generally happy, I think I'd stick with it for now.

amother

Oatmeal

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 11:00 am

amother Lilac wrote:

Can someone summarize the method here?

Like you op, I’ve tried gentle parenting, how to listen so kids can talk, the explosive child, the nurtured heart program… and probably more that I can’t remember now.

I just bought the book because of this thread. I need the help. None of these other styles work for me and im tired of yelling.

devoraschon

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 11:23 am

My parents used the 1-2-3 magic method with us growing up in the 90s,2000s. It never felt manipulative- and we all still have good relationships with our parents. There are other methods that are less authoritative, but when I read it, I got the impression that it was the stepping stone away from previous methods of uncontrolled parenting which resulted in parents potching, insulting, or berating their kids.
I feel like most parenting styles will include giving time outs or breaks. It's not mean to give your child space to calm down.