Help me reconnect with 13yr old dd

amother

Wed, May 08 2024, 1:03 pm

Teach me. I was the second in a double digit family. My parents were overwhelmed, anxious parents. I know they tried but I didn't feel connected to them when I was growing up. My oldest dd is 13 now and I really want to do better. I know, I should've asked this question 13 years ago, not now. But I really want to do better. I want to connect with her and build my relationship with her.

She's very intense and I feel myself pulling away from her because I get too overwhelmed from her. I think she's starting to feel my emotional withdrawal and I don't like it.

Please teach me how to connect with her, how to build a better relationship, how to hold space for her while holding space for myself too.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, May 08 2024, 1:09 pm

It sounds as if you are a very empathetic, insightful mother.

Just understand she is somebody else entirely and allow that.

Occasionally, when it is safe, gravely and respectfully ask her opinion about something. What should we do? What is right here? Which one should I buy? This will convey the message that you are fine with her being different from you.

As for 'me time' don't worry about that. Soon enough, all your kids will be somewhere else, and you will wish they would phone more often. Enjoy their rambunctious presence now. There will be plenty of time for 'me time' later.

Sometimes, just sit and listen to her, keeping your eyes on her face. It is very important not to look somewhere else. And keep your hands in view and still. She will feel cared about that way. Make sure your face is expressing mild friendly interest. If you are feeling annoyed and overwhelmed or even disgusted, be very careful that does not show on your face.

Your question shows great insight. She's lucky to have you.

Coffee beanz

Wed, May 08 2024, 1:11 pm

It's not easy! I would say try to spend a few minutes 2 times a week with her doing something she really enjoys like baking or an art project- something creative where you have no pressure and just connect.

disneyland

Wed, May 08 2024, 11:20 pm

You can try having short conversations with her. You can talk about things you are interested in. You can say "I love Shaabos don't you? I'm so excited to read my Mishpacha magazines. How about you, what are you looking forward to this Shaabos?

disneyland

Wed, May 08 2024, 11:26 pm

You can build the relationship step by step. You're her mother, it sounds like you really care about her and I'm sure she feels that. Just try with light conversations. Some topics: 1. have you gotten any interesting books out from the school library?
2. I read an interesting article in mishpacha magazine. Can I share with you what I read?

amother

Caramel

Wed, May 08 2024, 11:35 pm

Do activities together. Bake, walk, paint, shop, go out for lunch.. shmoozing while doing something makes it easier and it leaves her with a lot of positive memories.

amother

Wed, May 08 2024, 11:43 pm

Thank you for all the suggestions. I'm taking it all in. I never got this from my own mother so this doesn't come naturally to me.
These ideas sound great. Please keep them coming.

amother

Wed, May 08 2024, 11:45 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Spend lots of time with her (without your phone).

Yes, since Pesach I'm working on putting my phone out of sight for half hour every night after all my other kids are in bed.

amother

Red

Thu, May 09 2024, 12:25 am

Play games. Azul and splendor are good ones I can think of. I find it the best way to bond because it’s a relaxing activity and not much you need to consciously do with/for her.

Shopping without pressure- browsing tj maxx sharing your thoughts about stuff no judging or criticism and buying something cute she likes.

amother

Magenta

Thu, May 09 2024, 9:02 am

I’m in the middle of listening to Dr Becky’s (good inside) teen workshop. It’s very good and talks about connection. I really like her approach most of the time.