Nosh on school trips -- is this a normal amount?

amother

Mon, May 13 2024, 6:45 am

amother Amethyst wrote:

You said your daughter didn’t trust you when you said you wouldn’t say anything about what she buys. Obviously you do exert a lot of control over her food choices.

So having made comments in the past means I exert a lot of control? If I go in to a store and help her choose (that's a lot of candy, let's get another snack instead, let's put back this big bar of chocolate and get a smaller one, let's take a drink that's not soda) that's considered exerting *a lot* of control?

Oddly enough, that's what a lot of posters here think I should have been doing.

amother

Mon, May 13 2024, 7:01 am

amother Cerulean wrote:

My situation sounds exactly like yours - I tried mostly healthy at home but didn't want my kids to feel deprived so I had junk in the house. But I was finding that I was policing food way more than I was comfortable with (it sounds like it was definitely less than some people's rules and instructions on here but it was more of a big deal than I wanted food to be).

I also have a very overweight 10 year old daughter with a MASSIVE sweet tooth. She'd sneak, she'd always want candy, treats, etc. Every class activity she was in charge of or part of involved candy and it was always her idea to add the candy, even when not necessary, etc. So I was getting frustrated with the amount of candy I was buying/she was eating.

About a year ago, I switched my whole outlook. I now stock up on all different types of pretzels, sometimes cheap snackbags, and buy one special snack for school. I buy a candy for Shabbos and the kids can have two igloos (tiny freezepops) a day. Other candy comes in depending on activities going on. And thats what's in my house. Plus fruits veggies and healthy stuff and if my kids ask for anything specific, I'll buy it once.

And I don't comment, I don't restrict, I don't not allow. If it's here, you can have it, whenever you want as long as you've eaten a meal first.
I also worked on my 10-year-old emotionally. We did DBT/C (it was for other issues but the goal was emotional health). I helped her choose and keep a best friend. I paid a LOT of attention to all her good sides. I help her find "grown-up" sweet things, like she can make hot cocoa whenever she wants.

And after a year, her sugar intake has gone down tremendously. I recently offered her chocolate and candy and she turned it down. She gave away her candy on Shabbos. She knows she can take an extra igloo anytime she's helping me if that gives her motivation so there's no more sneaking them. We have almost no discussion about food anymore aside from her asking me if something is healthy.

I know every kid is different but this worked really well in my house.
And I get you, OP. I really, really do.

Really happy this worked out for you Smile

We already keep a whole lot more treats in the house, she has access to a lot more, gets plenty of special allowances, way more than ices and hot cocoas. I really really try to keep my comments and education to a bare minimum and make food as much a non issues as possible. Hasn't gotten us very far 😕

amother

Whitesmoke

Mon, May 13 2024, 7:42 am

I used to eat tons of nosh as a kid. Not candy because we were restricted to two snacks a day. Sometimes I’d sneak nosh at night.*
Now that I’m married I still buy nosh and I eat waaaayy less nosh as a kid because I’m in charge and can get what I want. (Not candy)
And I do t want my kids to be some noshaholics like me. If tired they can have nosh but in moderation and not that they feel deprived.
I feel guilty as I’m always careful with tzedaka and sometimes give more then needed (like make a 50¢ to a $ or make $78 to $80)
But as a kid I’d save the 5¢ and 10¢ to buy a gum or a laffy taffy that cost 5-10¢.
(Now I’m not old I’m actually very young not even 30 yet.)

*Meaning chips, potato stix and thinglle that. Once in a while bissli when my parents bought.

giselle

Mon, May 13 2024, 9:01 am

amother OP wrote:

It sounds like there is likely more at play here than just you being too controlling or not restrictive enough. You can go crazy trying to listen to each poster’s opinion. Like I mentioned earlier, I think you should speak to a professional to guide you if you feel there’s a real issue.

lamplighter

Mon, May 13 2024, 9:31 am

OP I just want to say I was that child with the very health conscious mother who ate in secret and lived in shame. For years I blamed my mother but as I live and learn, I realize she was just trying her best and I don't know what else she was supposed to do. The hard part is that none of it helped. I struggle with obesity until today but it's my journey and what hashem decided for me. Some people go off the derech no matter what the parents do, some people flip out, we can't control the outcome of our child's journey.
I still struggle with equating my weight with my beauty/value and that is a message I wish I never got. I am still self conscious eating in front of my mother and she's 75 years old and can hardly see.

Bravely posting under my screen name to give chizzuk and I'm case you would like to message me.

amother

Steel

Mon, May 13 2024, 9:51 am

amother OP wrote:

It's amazing to me that I need to let my daughter eat her way to diabetes to be considered an amazing mother but I appreciate the sentiment.

You sound really bitter. I wonder if you try hard not to say things to her but your whole decorum and energy conveys your panic and disapproval.

Have you ever considered working on it from your angle instead of hers? Why are you so afraid of her getting diabetes or being fat or making bad choices?

I'm not trying to encourage this behavior, more using it as an exercise for you to see what comes up for you. You might be a little blinded due to your own fear around it and that might limit your ability to address it more serenely?

Might serve you to talk to a professional for your own fears, disappointments, etc

ETA, mainly it seems like there's a subtle feeling of you feeling inadequate or not good enough as a mother. Everyone makes mistakes. No one's perfect. God has no grandchildren and God is taking care of her. But I wonder if your insecurities are coming out around the food issue and just making it worse for you because of your own fears that it's triggering.

amother

Mon, May 13 2024, 10:06 am

amother Salmon wrote:

Honestly, I'd say what she picked is what most 12 year olds would pick. Sounds like you gave her a big budget to come out with so much candy!! Next time either give her less money or some guidance around what she can choose. It isn't like she's 18- she's still young.

Most 12 year Olds would pick this amount? Or this type of stuff? I have less issue with the types, more with the sheer volume. On the way home from the store I casually asked her how much her friends get from their mothers to spend and she said Chany's mother also gave her 15 dollars but she only spent 8.

amother

Mon, May 13 2024, 10:08 am

amother Steel wrote:

I know exactly why I panic and it's really not about weight OR about diabetes, and even though both of those are genuine concerns. It's not about my success as a parent either. Trust me I have good reasons to worry.

amother

Steel

Mon, May 13 2024, 10:31 am

amother OP wrote:

It's not about not having a good reason. You can have an extremely valid reason. But panicking isn't going to help as much as having faith in a situation.

Panic will cloud perspective. Faith, trust, and hope leads to a more calmer thought process so that it can be addressed better.

I'm sure you have valid reasons. Bjg this whole thread is you panicking in a subtle way hoping for reassurance to calm the panic.

That's not as helpful as say, talking your legitimate concern and finding a more conducive way to address it instead of panic being in the drivers seat. Which it seems like it is. No judgement. It makes sense. I have anxiety about things too.

It's just been helpful for me to notice that nuance and that panic can result in messy wishy washy confusing overwhelming and unhelpful next steps or approaches.

You can hold space for you panic and use it as information as opposed to letting it drive the car with no regard for other things.

Or, you're just looking for reassurance (like you mentioned sorta) instead of actual tangible things. Which may not be as helpful as separating things out but if it works for you, that's great. Just doesn't seem like it is in the thread so maybe reassurance from another modality would be helpful for you.

amother

Mon, May 13 2024, 10:42 am

amother Steel wrote:

I was really honestly just asking if it's within the realm of normal or completely beyond the pale the way I was seeing it. That's all.

amother

DarkMagenta

Mon, May 13 2024, 11:33 am

amother OP wrote:

I was really honestly just asking if it's within the realm of normal or completely beyond the pale the way I was seeing it. That's all.

I'm not that poster, but it's something I was going to comment on also. There's a lot of cognitive dissonance on this thread. On the one hand, it makes you upset when people said it was wrong to allow her to buy so much. Yet, on the other hand whenever anyone says that it's fine, it's just one day - you reply how bad that is and push back on it also.

You keep making comments about 'diabetes in a bag' and going to other extreme scenarios regarding ONE incident of overeating (which she will likely be sharing with others also). I understand this is an ongoing issue, but she might be picking up on this vibe if it's a running refrain, even if only in your mind. Most people don't run to thinking about illnesses and the worse scenarios when trying to instill healthy eating habits.

amother

Mon, May 13 2024, 11:40 am

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

It did not make me upset when people said it was wrong to buy this much.

And I think this thread has run its course. Thanks for the input everyone ✌️

shirachadasha

Mon, May 13 2024, 3:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

She recently asked to see a nutritionist and "go on a diet". I'm not taking her to one because honestly I don't think she has what it takes to follow through and it's just going to create more shame and guilt, which she already struggles with.

If she's asking to see a nutritionist you should go for it. Obviously you should find someone who knows nutrition and knows how to be a cheerleader as opposed to someone who will make her feel guilty.

It seems like you could use some professional nutrition guidance too - not because you don't know that candy is unhealthy but because you might learn how to balance when it's necessary to restrict and when it's ok to overlook.

amother

Salmon

Mon, May 13 2024, 4:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sorry I think chany is the outlier and what your kid got was what any kid would do with no guidance. Ever heard of the term 'kid in a candy shop.' Set limits next time or giver less money. You can pick one candy, one snack, one drink, one fruit. Totally normal to set limits here.

amother

Steel

Mon, May 13 2024, 5:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

Epilogue: she came home and said I brought waaay too much food and now I have a huge stomachache. So I say "oy!" And casually that I think next time we could probably do a smaller budget.

The end

I guess the information from this is that your fears do play a big role because I'm pretty sure you were convinced that this wouldn't happen....

You were certain she would eat all of it.

So either this is a passive aggressive way of reiterating you don't want to participate anymore (in which case you can unfollow the topic and just not reply) or this really happened and you might want to look at your own fears.

Because when others suggested this might be the case you were insistent that they didn't know your daughter and that she will eat it all past a stomachache without any learning taken from it...

No need to take anyones suggestions or explore it further but it might serve you to look at your panic around it. I still stand by what I shared before based on the minimal info in this post (so obviously it could be off mark).