S/o minyan and little kids

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missmuffetsmum

Thu, May 23 2024, 2:51 pm

I'm curious, what is your take on this? If the DH is working, and therefore not so flexible with minyan times (or there aren't many options in the area), but DW needs her sleep/his help, either because there are a lot of little kids around, she's pregnant, she's getting up during the night etc... What comes first?
Our Rav has told us that of course DH should skip minyan as necessary, but I hate when he does - and I hate how he gets that 'out' too on the really hard days, so the poor guy can't win this one...
I'm curious what others think?

MySpace

Thu, May 23 2024, 2:56 pm

I think a lot of it is community dependent.
In my circles minyan isn't optional. We all somehow just make it work.

If I viewed it as a nice extra it would definitely be harder for me to let him go.

missmuffetsmum

Thu, May 23 2024, 3:55 pm

It's not a negotiable thing in my circles either, but with a bunch of little kids who need hands-on attention and being pregnant/getting up during the night, sometimes things get really tricky. Which is when DH asks the shaila.Again, it's always him who asks and we have it set up that it's only when I ask him to stay home that he does - but then I feel guilty asking.
Should we be having kids further apart purely for minyan? Should minyan be put on the side as needed? Like, which way does it go?
It also totally depends on your kids. Kids who sleep well and sleep in until 7/7:30 are a WHOLE different ballgame. Kids who are up with the sun (or beforehand, in the winter) need attention for 3 hours before heading off to school. That's a long time for a sleep-deprived Mummy. I'm talking kids aged 5 and under, who are mostly incapable of entertaining themselves safely for long periods - at least in my case.

missmuffetsmum

Thu, May 23 2024, 3:56 pm

MySpace wrote:

I think a lot of it is community dependent.
In my circles minyan isn't optional. We all somehow just make it work.

If I viewed it as a nice extra it would definitely be harder for me to let him go.

How would you know that?
And curious which circles you run in.

BH Yom Yom

Thu, May 23 2024, 4:00 pm

It’s definitely tough, no question. DH is a much more hands-on parent than I am (and I am hands-on, he’s just really good at it and I’m better at managing the mental load and stuff around the house). For us it depends on the day and what else is going on with each kid. Often we take it day by day but I do feel accomplished when I am able to manage without him home and he can get to shul. It also depends on what time the dust settles with the morning routine; there aren’t any rules for when each kiddo will wake up and how intense the morning will be.

teachkids

Thu, May 23 2024, 4:07 pm

The month before and the month after a babys born I take priority. Otherwise we make minyan work almost always. But sometimes with wonky timing

zaq

Thu, May 23 2024, 9:41 pm

If your DH rav said that family takes priority, why are you second-guessing him?

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