Divorced bar mitzvah

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:32 pm

Do separate seating with a mechitza and put on a plastic smile.
Focus on your son enjoying his Bar Mitzva, that is the only thing that matters at the end of the day.

Chayalle

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:37 pm

I have a close relative who is divorced. I'm amazed (and I respect) that they put their differences aside for each of their two sons and made them beautiful Bar Mitzvahs where both sides were present for the Bar Mitzva boy and it was celebrated as closely to normal as possible.
And yes, it was a complicated divorce. And they did it.

amother

Valerian

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:40 pm

Assigned seats with both sides sitting on opposite sides of the room

Remember that the drama is between the parents only. Everyone needs to be civilized to each other, it’s not the kids fault that they are divorced and it’s important to show them that a simcha can be just about the kids and nothing else

amother

Pearl

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:46 pm

My husband doesn't want to give me a divorce keeps calling me to bezdin and threatens that if I don't give up on all my rights then he will take a heter meah rabbanim.

If this is not drama then I don't know what is. Smile

I just made bar mitzvah and all I wanted was that this child should feel normal.

If you walked into the hall and didn't know we were separated you wouldn't be able to guess.
It was a completely civil and normal event.

I welcomed his family as if they were my lovely in laws.
I thanked them for coming and making an effort.
I shmoozed at their table.
I appreciated their gifts and so on.

My siblings on the men's side were totally doing the same with my husband.
They were all giving him all the kuvod as if he's the most normal brother in law ever.

Your child's bar mitzvah is really not the time or place to get even with anyone.

I hope you can do this for your child OP.

amother

Smokey

Thu, May 23 2024, 11:06 pm

I have a relative that made bar mitzvah not long after their very messy divorced was finalized. I was super impressed that they came together and made a beautiful no drama event for their son. By the pshetel, the mother was on one side of the hall with her family and the father’s family listened on the other side but everyone was very cordial. Please do this for the sake of the child

amother

Smokey

Thu, May 23 2024, 11:09 pm

amother Smokey wrote:

And I want to add that I was related to the father , but we all went over to the mother to tell her Mazel Tov and she was very appreciative that we came and was friendly and cordial. It couldn’t have been easy for her

amother

Freesia

Thu, May 23 2024, 11:24 pm

I totally hear these responses and it makes so much sense and its what I'd like to do as well for the sake of my son (I'm a divorcee too) but I have to say I am panicking. I have no idea how ill even pull off a bar mitzva in the 1st place (I really dont) and to have the other side there although I want it for my son and its definitely the right thing, , is so triggering. I guess I'll survive like all those other women did. For the sake of my son .
Did I mention that I have absolutely no idea how to even make a bar mitzva? Omg I'm panicking. I have a couple of years. Ok.

happyness

Thu, May 23 2024, 11:28 pm

All I can think of is the poor bar mitzva boy 🥲
It’s his big day- he’s gone through enough pain- do whatever it takes to make it stay his big day

amother

Thu, May 23 2024, 11:28 pm

To be clear this is for my stepson, he is worried that his mother will cause a scene and doesnt even want a bar mitzvah. Hes afraid he will be embarrassed in front of his friends. Was looking for creative ideas.

amother

Brickred

Thu, May 23 2024, 11:29 pm

amother Freesia wrote:

You’ll come here we’ll walk you through it ❤️

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, May 23 2024, 11:30 pm

I married someone who was divorced. Shortly after we got married, it was his son’s bar mitzvah. The way it worked out for us was that we made the shabbos bar mitzvah with our relatives a friends and the mother made the weeknight bar mitzvah. It was much more peaceful for us with those arrangements.

amother

Daylily

Thu, May 23 2024, 11:31 pm

I was dealing with a narcissistic ex. We made 2 separate bar mitzvahs for each of my sons. They each loved having two parties instead of one! They felt actually lucky. And they ended up getting way more gifts too.

amother

Zinnia

Thu, May 23 2024, 11:40 pm

I’ve had major anxiety and panic attacks making my sons bar mitzvah.
Bh it went well and you would think we were a regular married couple at the bar mitzvah if you didn’t know us.
Here’s my advice
-If you can speak to your ex and explain that what ever difference you both have , try to put aside for sake of your son.
-Make sure to have your support system. You will need your people to vent to and talk things out with.
-Tell your family to please act as if you’re all ‘best friends’ with both sides.
-If any guest your inviting has problem with the other side and can’t come to the bar mitzvah with a smile and be genuinely happy for the boy, then don’t come at all.
-lead by example, smile, welcome both sides, say the Mazel tovs to the ex in-laws and relatives.

I know it’s hard but it can be done and has been done even with the worst divorce cases. Just don’t fall for the traps of arguing that the ex might set.
Good luck!

essie14

Fri, May 24 2024, 12:11 am

amother OP wrote:

If his mom wants to make a separate party then he can have 2 bar mitzvahs. I know several families who did this.
Dad made one event with his family and friends and then mom makes another event.

amother

Babypink

Fri, May 24 2024, 12:27 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm another divorced person who made a lovely bar mitzvah together with my ex and both of our families for our son.

HOWEVER, we checked with our son first, asking him if he wanted two separate parties etc. He chose to have one together so that's what we went with but honestly, if your stepson really doesn't want his mother there causing a scene (or just the idea is giving him anxiety), I would make two separate ones (if that's what he wants).

I think most kids want one together with both parents so that's what the goal should be but if the bar mitzvah boy wants otherwise, that's what is most important!