punny, punnier, punniest...

chen

Thu, Jun 21 2007, 10:02 am

Motek wrote:

(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.)

Well, I figured I had nothing Toulouse

btMOMtoFFBs

Thu, Jun 21 2007, 11:33 am

Thanks for the laughs Motek! Very Happy

Motek

Wed, Aug 08 2007, 10:12 pm

'Twas Chanukah and the shtet'l was fearful about not having any latkes because they had run out of flour. Rabbi Rudolf was called upon to help solve the problem. He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal
for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"

Breind'l looks to her husband and says, "Chatzk'l... you think it'll work?"

"Of course!
Rest assured that...Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!"

groan!

Motek

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 8:11 pm

this one is REALLY BAD Twisted Evil

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the

street when they see a beautiful, enticing female

Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves

in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end

up arriving in front of her at the same time. The

males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on

themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in

return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on

the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells

them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and

"cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent

sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly

and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows

no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever

and said "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden

Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's

hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and

says "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in

fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives

her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever

and the Lab and says......

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Compress

Sofia2

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 8:23 pm

very cute!!

GAMZu

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 10:14 pm

lol- good one!

Now for one from me...

Television: a medium. So called because it is neither rare or well done.

Maya

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 10:36 pm

I like that one.

leomom

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 10:45 pm

A mathematician finds himself in an Indian reservation, where three tepees stand in a row.

He enters the first tepee. A woman is sitting on a bear-skin rug with her son. "How much does he weigh?" asks the mathematician. "Fifty pounds," answers the woman.

Then he enters the second tepee. A woman is sitting on a sheep-skin rug with her son. "How much does he weigh?" asks the mathematician. "One hundred pounds," answers the woman.

Finally he enters the third tepee. A woman is sitting alone on a hippopotamus-skin rug. "How much do YOU weigh?" asks the mathematician. "One hundred and fifty pounds," answers the woman.

"Aha!" exclaims the mathematician. "Then it's true! The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!"

Very Happy

leomom

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 10:54 pm

In a duel, most knights prefer to use their own swords. But Sir Ersin was different. Whenever he would encounter someone who wanted to duel, he would quickly grab the other fellow's sword away and give him his own sword in its place. After a while, he became known for his unusual habit of switching swords, and no one in the kingdom thought much of it.

One day a visitor arrived in the kingdom and was touring the palace grounds when he noticed Sir Ersin doing the sword switcheroo with an adversary on the other side of the moat.

"Who is that?" asked the visitor. "And what on earth is he doing? It's... it's... well, it's weird."

"Oh, him?" replied the royal escort. "That just strange Ersin the knight, exchanging lances, strange Ersin the knight..."

GAMZu

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 3:26 pm

Uhhhh... I guess one should've taken calculus in order to get the Indian one.

amother

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 3:55 pm

Women who oppose abortion labor under a missed conception.

leomom

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 9:21 pm

GAMZu wrote:

Uhhhh... I guess one should've taken calculus in order to get the Indian one.

Nope, just algebra. Very Happy

The square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides. (a squared plus b squared equals c squared)

Remember that one?? Very Happy

GAMZu

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 1:13 pm

Oh, ok then! Makes more sense now. Thanks!

mumoo

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 2:29 pm

While driving, a woman picks up a hitchhiker, who happens to be Native American. As the Indian gets into the car, she notices a paper bag on the seat. "What's that?" the Indian asks the woman.
"Oh, just a bottle of whiskey I got for my husband," answers the driver.
The Indian woman nods, "Good trade."

amother

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 4:39 pm

yy wrote:

"Oh, him?" replied the royal escort. "That just strange Ersin the knight, exchanging lances, strange Ersin the knight..."

strangers in the night, exchanging glances, strangers in the night ...

leomom

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 8:35 pm

amother wrote:

yy wrote:

"Oh, him?" replied the royal escort. "That just strange Ersin the knight, exchanging lances, strange Ersin the knight..."

strangers in the night, exchanging glances, strangers in the night ...

Yep.

I actually made that one up when I was a kid. My father used to tell these "punny" stories at the dinner table, and then we'd try to make up our own. (Ever heard the story about the "fridge over double daughters?" No? I made that up, too, but it's terrible and I'm not telling it!)

GAMZu

Sun, Sep 16 2007, 7:52 am

You made that up? Cute!
I got the pun, but I don't really get meaning behind it. Is it a song or something?

Motek

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 3:52 pm

some puns, some other stuff, they're great!

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 8)

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Tongue Out

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.' Very Happy

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' Wink

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. LOL

A backward poet writes in-verse.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

hadasa

Mon, Nov 03 2008, 5:53 am

Using an electric radiator in the Sukkah is heater Mitzvah, but using an air conditioner is relying on a cooler.

lubaussie

Mon, Nov 03 2008, 6:53 am

rules on life from Jewish mothers:

-What business is a yenta in? Yours.
-a shmatte is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. LOL

-It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job. LOL

-Never take a front row seat at a bris.
-Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
-Always whisper the names of diseases.
-If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
-Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
-Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three spiritual leaders were asked - When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregants are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"

Episcopal Priest: I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.

Catholic Priest: I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.

Rabbi: I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving'.

LOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown LOL

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain Smile

"Beware of health books. You might die of a misprint." - Mark Twain Very Happy

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man bought a newspaper in Israel. He was charged 45 agarot. When he complained to the vendor that it says "price 35 agarot" on the top of the paper the vendor replied "Naar -do you believe everything it says in the papers?"

Rolling Laughter

~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the mid 60's a U.S. Navy cruiser put in to port in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
Dear Captain, Thursday, will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews--We don't like Jews.

Sure enough, at 8 PM onThursday, the lady heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."

Rolling Laughter

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young woman teacher explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I am Jewish." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That is no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I would be an atheist."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 things not to say to a policeman

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. LOL

6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
9. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around...That's how far ahead of me they are. LOL

10. When the Officer says "Gee ..Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"