Gentle parenting success

amother

Black

Fri, May 03 2024, 5:18 am

amother OP wrote:

Lol we had similar situation today
Mommy can you punish dovid he hit me and he can't do that!
Me: he shouldnt be doing that that is not ok. But I think he was getting nervous because you were yelling so loud and he doesn't like very loud noises
Him: oh. But I was trying to tell you something
Me: ok so how about trying a little lower and then I can hear you. What is it you wanted to tell me?

This kid has in the past hit him back in defense but Bec hes older he can really hurt him so I'm teaching him to come to me to discuss what's bothering him

So you basically justified that it’s ok for him to hit? And you basically punished the child who spoke too loud by invalidating him. So you only validate and take the side of the aggressive kid who is physical? How is this fair to the other kids? I had a mother like this, the oldest beat everyone up but it was never his fault according to her, we always provoked him, or he didn’t mean to hurt us etc.. and we were all convinced my mother only liked him. I don’t think this is good parenting. I think all your other kids are going to resent you and will have very low self esteem.

amother

Black

Fri, May 03 2024, 5:20 am

amother Natural wrote:

I actually learned this method also...
when one child hurts another, instead of focusing negative attention on the one who hurt, you slather and smother the hurt child with love and attention...
(you need a bandaid? come, let's go get a snack etc...) and completely ignore and walk away from the kid who hurt...
though I would say that as an experienced mom (my oldest is 17)...some kids are less complicated and methods just WORK...
1 plus 1 equals 2....
love, attention, special time, structure, calm Mommy= happy, easygoing kid who is a pleasure to have around and build a relationship with..
and some kids are so much more complex and complicated than that...

Except only the physically aggressive one gets her attention. Lots of validating that he never does anything wrong. The other kids are told to just sit quietly while being hurt and they shouldn’t dare ask her to intervene. Doesn’t sound like the same method at all.

amother

NeonPurple

Fri, May 03 2024, 5:20 am

amother Black wrote:

As an educator I see these parents all the time. It's extremely toxic

amother

Slategray

Fri, May 03 2024, 5:40 am

[quote="amother Navyblue"]you just need to find a cleaning lady who also practices gentle parenting ,and let her granddaughter playfully hit your child. Win win.

If seriously, it doesn't matter if the toddler was playing or no, there should be boundaries in place. Will you be okay with cleaning lady's toddler (let's say) playfully hitting your child while she was there? I understand you see the endless goodness in your kid, but you have to intervene at this point and make sure the kid doesn't touch other people. No matter intentions.[/quote
I never said the age of the cleaning lady’s granddaughter- she’s above 18 though, she was here to help out and “play” with my toddler.
Also I didn’t let her playfully hit her. She just did it. (Lacks impulse control at that age) and then spoke to her.

amother

Electricblue

Fri, May 03 2024, 5:48 am

amother OP wrote:

We've been off schedule the last 3 weeks with the kids sleeping in different beds than they're used to, eating new foods, meeting new people... And bh bli ayan hora my kids were the most well behaved kids!! I do gentle parenting meaning I don't punish

When you say that you don’t make it a thing when a child pushes another child, I beg to differ. I don’t spend time with my sister in law bc her kids act like animals and she doesn’t make it a thing. They pinch my child and she’s fine it. They smashed my kids head to the floor and she’s fine with it.
My own kids would never act like that bc I’m a parent who says if you do that there will be a consequence. How are your children going to learn middos? And if you aren’t worried about that, I’ve seen many times that the way you parent really negatively affects their social skills. Kids don’t want to play with them.
So before you get all righteous, please please think about how your parenting affects others.

amother

Navyblue

Fri, May 03 2024, 5:49 am

[quote="amother Slategray"]

amother Navyblue wrote:

you just need to find a cleaning lady who also practices gentle parenting ,and let her granddaughter playfully hit your child. Win win.

If seriously, it doesn't matter if the toddler was playing or no, there should be boundaries in place. Will you be okay with cleaning lady's toddler (let's say) playfully hitting your child while she was there? I understand you see the endless goodness in your kid, but you have to intervene at this point and make sure the kid doesn't touch other people. No matter intentions.[/quote
I never said the age of the cleaning lady’s granddaughter- she’s above 18 though, she was here to help out and “play” with my toddler.
Also I didn’t let her playfully hit her. She just did it. (Lacks impulse control at that age) and then spoke to her.

listen, you are probably trying very hard to be a very good mommy, and that is why you need to explain everything so detailed. yes, your MIl should not yell at or potch YOUR kid, she probably got impression that you are doing nothing and don't "mechanech" your kids, and she probably overreacts because of this (Maybe no, not diagnosing things online). What people try to tell you is that really have to use rational mind ingrained in you. Blimie Heller can strongly believe in something, and any other mother also can strongly believe in something else. You will eventually become expert yourself. Parenting that teaches boundaries is not opposite of "gentle" way, it is not aggressive vs gentle (aka permissive ) I would be very hurt if my kids offended other people , it's a pain to have a kid who is a bully. I have totally different personalities of my children,one is academically bright and has to work on middos, one is a good heart naturally obedient,not so academic. The one with not so ideal social skills worries me much more. ...it doesn't work in marriage and adult life to justify only your emotions and find excuses for yourself and be blind to others.

You probably would really want people to say "wow, I'm so happy your method works, sending you tons of love, you are doing great". I feel bad that you got so much criticism here instead of validation.

giftedmom

Fri, May 03 2024, 6:12 am

amother Chestnut wrote:

So instead of validating your child who was hurt, you validated the child who hurt him.. Im sure your child felt very heard. This is after he came to tell you instead of fighting back… I still dont understand this “method” from the way you explain it…

I don’t think she understands it either mostly because it’s a very fluid self defined “method”. Blimi heller says so herself. It’s about “what feels right in her body”.

giftedmom

Fri, May 03 2024, 6:14 am

amother Navyblue wrote:

well the kid clearly told you what he wanted to tell, pretending you are deaf because he/she talking loud after someone hit him is not really "how to make them seek your company". You will say you made condition for this child "I only will hear you if you talk in low voice" and you empathizing with a child had to be a reinforcement. Why then can't you put condition for the one hurting siblings?

When my kids complain about other siblings bothering them, listening without doing anything to stop offender makes them irritated long term.

Idk usually I do listen without stopping the offender because I’ve come to realize that 99% of the time they’re equally guilty and the “victim” is usually also an instigator. If I start a trial it will never end. They know good and well what they’re doing.

HeartyAppetite

Fri, May 03 2024, 6:29 am

Op gentle parenting threads usually get torn down on Imamother. I think it’s because there are people who don’t parent/ permissive parenting and call it gentle parenting. I think gentle parenting is not understood well. In any case you won’t get any good responses here.
And it is triggering to a lot of mothers who have very difficult children, who have tried everything to hear a mother pat herself on her back about her parenting.
In either case I took blimi hellers course. It was eye opening to me. I was raised authoritarian, without my feelings being taken into consideration. I learned to respect my children etc…
With that being said I changed it a lot to work for me and my children. I sometimes do punish if I see the need, but I also talk to my children and make sure they understand why, and I understand why they did it. My children know there are boundaries that cannot be crossed without consequences.
I don’t enforce rules and punish “just because I’m the mother and I said so”
They have to be serving the child and be for their good…
I will also add there are a lot of mothers who practice gentle parenting without knowing that is what they are doing.
To me gentle parenting is respecting the child, putting up boundaries and consequences for the child’s own good. And enforcing them in a respectful way,
Listening to your child’s feelings, opinions and working with them.

Last edited by HeartyAppetite on Fri, May 03 2024, 6:33 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Black

Fri, May 03 2024, 6:32 am

amother Electricblue wrote:

It ends up hurting their kids because we all avoid such children and protect our kids from theirs. So at the end of the day it equals turning your kid into the monster no one wants to play with. But hey as long as she feels satisfied that’s all that matters.

amother

Navyblue

Fri, May 03 2024, 6:33 am

HeartyAppetite wrote:

I'm very confused why parenting when you empathize with your children, is being assigned to one person ,aka BH? Its one of the necessary skills in any relationship....it feels to me that validation became a core aspect for this parenting method, but to me it is something that most good ,soft ,kind mothers do anyway .

HeartyAppetite

Fri, May 03 2024, 6:38 am

amother Navyblue wrote:

Exactly, I added a paragraph that many mothers parent gently without calling it that.
I think “gentle parenting resonates to women who were not respected as children, our feelings weren’t taken into consideration, and rules were enforced “ because I’m the mother and I said so” If we wouldn’t listen we were shamed, hit, punished, and our feelings weren’t validated at all. Mothers like us started out parenting the same way, and when we came across this method shifted our perspectives.
The problem is when the lines get blurred, with permissive parenting vs gentle parenting.
I think it is a learning curve and you have to find your groove… There are some things that are non negotiable like safety… and other things that don’t serve the child… exp forcing them to wear an outfit they don’t like “because I’m the mother and you have to listen to me”

amother

Black

Fri, May 03 2024, 6:40 am

HeartyAppetite wrote:

The op is not practicing gentle parenting. She’s practicing permissive parenting mixed with one son can do no wrong and any child upset at him is penalized.

amother

Winterberry

Fri, May 03 2024, 6:53 am

NEVER POST ON IMAMOTHER PARENTING!!!

Potching is abuse and the kids will have ptsd. Gentle parenting is neglect and the kids will hate you. Big families are always emotionally neglectful. Kids doing chores is parentification. Kids without chores is spoiled and ill prepared for life. If you wouldn't be thrilled to have a very handicapped child, don't have another kid. If you can't afford $500/hr therapy twice a week for you and the kid for the rest of your lives, don't have kids. Sugar makes kids hyper and out of control. Not giving kids sugar is abusive. Go on BC forever. Go on BC forever. Did you know that BC exists and that you can go on it forever?

HeartyAppetite

Fri, May 03 2024, 6:57 am

amother Black wrote:

The op is not practicing gentle parenting. She’s practicing permissive parenting mixed with one son can do no wrong and any child upset at him is penalized.

We weren’t there to see the situation… and this is just one instance. We didn’t see how op parents the rest of the day. Who are we to judge. As mothers we always make mistakes and learn from them. You can’t say someone is a permissive parent from just one example…

amother

Fri, May 03 2024, 7:00 am

Wow
I think it's time for me to not look at this thread anymore because it seems like people have an agenda towards me.
I have said multiple times that I DO pull baby away and I do validate both sides. I do for each child what needs to be done for them at that time. I was not "playing deaf" I was talking to my husband about something important before this conversation and did not realize he was trying to tell me something. What he wanted to say was completely unrelated..

I do not do permissive parenting!!!! I do not allow my children to do whatever they want whenever!! Allow is the wrong word because I use guidance a lot like I tell the how, why, when, where of everything. We are known as the family with the best kids on all sides of the family because I don't let them have free reign!