was this abusive? | Imamother

black sheep

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 10:51 am

OP, there is no reason for you to feel like you were being abusive. parenting is a very difficult job, and we all make mistakes. I am so proud that you realize that you shouldn't have cupped his mouth, and that you went in to apologize afterwards. an abusive parent would have never apologized and even made the child feel that it was his fault for the parents loss of control.
that being said, I think giving him back the paci until he is ready is a good idea. it can be for nighttiime only. one of my children had a paci for a very long time just for bedtime. this is so much healthier than nightly bedtime struggles. also, I don't think you should be holding him down until he falls asleep. that also sounds too much. like another posted suggested, after the bedtime routine, leave the room and let him take his time to fall asleep on his own.
go easy on yourself and on your son. bedtime is a difficult struggle in many houses, you are not alone.

purelife

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 10:52 am

I don't think it was abusive. just so it won't happen again give him back his pacifier. my nephew had a pacifier till 5, and he was so embarrased. so we made a deal he would put his pacifier by my bed, and if he want he can come get it. but if he won't get it, he will get a present.
so if he came to get it, I gave him but first asked..are you sure ?? because you won't get the gift 2morrow. and then he would choose for the gift.
it worked ! till today , he is now 13 he still remembers how I helped him get off the pacifier.
I don't see the rush to take it away, especially if he has such a hard time falling asleep.

amother

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 11:11 am

OP here-thank you e/1 for being supportive. He only had it at home & we were speaking about no more passy for a long time now (he is constantly losing it & dropping it at night....) but I was waiting for a time that would be good for me (less stressful) but he went & cut his last one w/ scissors so that was that. After speaking to his gannenet we decided to cut his nap, read a bedtime story & give him a sippy cup in bed. Bu he really needs a nap still & asked for it & is going to bed nicely in the crib so he's back in the crib-no sippy cup. but he's constantly putting his thumb in his mouth......

black sheep

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 11:17 am

it is easier for kids to stop using a paci than to stop sucking their thumbs. so if by taking away his paci, he is now using his thumb, better give back the paci quick! thats just my opinion, and also experience from having thumb suckers and paci suckers. once the paci kids decide they want to stop, they just stop, but the thumb kids take so much more effort and time to stop... think of it this way, you cannot leave your thumb at home...

imamiri

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 3:19 pm

amother wrote:

[b]

He's trying to find a way to self-comfort. My DD is almost 2 and sucks her thumb while she's falling asleep. I am not going to get into hysterics about it.

I don't think what you did was abusive, but it should give you pause and you obviously lost control of yourself. Toddlers fuss, cry, scream, and wail. Step back, step away, even go outside and let him cry for a few minutes. Maybe he's not ready to give up his paci, and if he still sucks his thumb he's obviously still needing to self-soothe to fall asleep. Why make that an extra battle?

life'sgreat

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 6:25 pm

amother wrote:

Bedtime w/ my 3yo has been TERRIBLE. We recently got rid of his passy equivalent & since then bedtime includes like 15-30 min of hysterics & singing w/ him till he falls asleep. he doesn't take a nap anymore either. The screaming drives me mad & I literally have to hold him down till he calms down. tonight, he's screaming a flailing away, I'm holding him down & finally I cupped my hand over his mouth. I know this is really scary for a kid, I was so fed up w/ the screaming (it obviously doesn't work)-he could still breath. Is that considered abusive? p.s. His gannenet is going to ask someone if maybe he's not ready to get rid of his passy & if we should give it back.

I think you know the answer to this. But what jumped out at me is his ganenet is going to ask someone. Why is his ganenet asking someone? Why aren't you doing that?