Abusive teen | Imamother

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

Abusive teen

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 4:31 am

I hope I'm the only one but probably not. Teen dc has no tolarence for when we say no to him. Hits me hard kicks me hard hides my things breaks things. Is there hope for him. What have you been told to do in the moment. I try to calm things down but usualy doesnt work I take money from his account to replace when he breaks things on purpose.
Please be gentle this is hard for me. I dont need tough love I have other people I get that from. Please only answer if you have personal experience or sympathy. and yes I have the explosive child book.

amother

Geranium

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 4:39 am

Sounds challenging, is he 13 or 17? Makes a big difference. Have you taken home for a psychological evaluation?

amother

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 4:40 am

He is 14. yes he had an eval. Definite adhd a few other things borderline.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 5:01 am

Oy OP I'm sorry. This sounds really tough! Do you feel he would benefit from meds? Is therapy also an option?

imasinger

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 5:10 am

Hugs, I'm sorry for you.

In the aggressive moment? Keep everyone as safe as you can -- deescalate, get others out of harm's way.

Aggression is a serious issue, and should be given top priority for your time and money, it's worth the investment. Many people have seen success with the Nurtured Heart Approach. I'd suggest looking for an expert who would work both with you and DH (is he on the same page as you with handling DS?), and with DS.

Mamushka

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 6:04 am

Op, I'm sorry you are going through this.
Sending hugs and strength.
Don't give up hope!
Get proffesional help and b'h you will see improvement soon.

amother

Cinnamon

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 8:21 am

You and your husband need to go learn how to deal with him. Please go to a professional therapist that can teach you.
How is his behavior in school?

amother

Chicory

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 8:47 am

My son is similar.
He is 17 now.
He’s always been difficult- impulsive, explosive….
The last 2 years he pretty much lost his yiras shamayim.
There are people who can help parents deal with that- not so much with the explosive anger issues—-
We were told to just accept him and not criticize.
So he comes to the shabbos table in a tank top and shorts and we don’t say anything. It’s like he’s waiting for us to say something so he can blow up at us.
When he talks about boring topics I stop what I’m doing and listen to him so he feels valued.
It’s hard. It’s painful.
He’s very inappropriate these days.
That’s unbearable because we have other kids who see things and hear things.
We are told to just show him love and acceptance.
Eventually he will calm down and be able to choose right from wrong.
Op, please get him on meds if that’s what he needs. It will help him control his impulsivity and anger.
There is no simple answer.
Your child is in pain for some reason.
Regular parenting will not help him.
It’s called crisis parenting.
R’ Shimon Russel is the expert on crisis parenting.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 8:56 am

amother OP wrote:

I hope I'm the only one but probably not. Teen dc has no tolarence for when we say no to him. Hits me hard kicks me hard hides my things breaks things. Is there hope for him.

This is a serious situation and needs to be dealt with as an emergency. Hitting and kicking are totally unacceptable. He needs therapy and you and DH need professional advice re dealing with him.

Of course there is hope but the quicker he gets help the more hope there is.

I'm not a professional but I had two extremely difficult children. I'm willing to bet this behavior is a cry for help.

I hope you don't feel that I was harsh. I am concerned for the safety of you, your other children and the general well being of this DS.

amother

Dandelion

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 9:02 am

amother Magenta wrote:

There are children like this who absolutely won’t accept help. So even if you somehow drag them to therapy, they’ll completely tune it out and it won’t accomplish anything. Speaking from experience.
(They won’t take medication either.)

ETA: I don’t mean to make anyone (including myself) give up hope. IYH our Yeshuos will still come.
Just trying to explain to people who aren’t dealing with this, who are thinking, “How could parents let this happen?? Why isn’t this child in therapy??”

TwinsMommy

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 9:32 am

Ive got my 16 year old aggressive son in talk therapy once a week, lots of strong meds, and in meetings with a special behavioral team from the board of dd. You're not alone.

amother

Sunflower

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 9:34 am

Not much advice other than what others have posted, but please make sure you are protecting any other children you have.
I was abused by my older brother physically growing up. It was terrifying.

amother

Oxfordblue

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 9:56 am

My son is like that. Been in various therapies since age 3 and meds since age 7. Still a constant battle...
I posted a while ago that he sent a sib to the hospital
I hope it's improved by the time he's 14.
You are not alone

amother

Teal

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 10:10 am

Your post sends me back to the most difficult times with one of my DDs... the faint scars on my arm will always remind me of that time.
At the time - ensure your safety and everyone else's, as was mentioned here.
At ome point we did set a concrete rule that if she was ever violent again, she would not be allowed home and the police would be involved, we took steps to find out the practicalities and we needed to be willing to go through with it because they can sense it if you don't 100% mean it. And she was never physically violent to us after that, which followed a combination of factors.
What I want to say is that you need to understand how traumatizing witnessing this is for the other kids, please make sure they also get the support and tools they need.
Sending a hug of support.

amother

Pink

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 10:39 am

I can really understand. It's tough and painful. I'm also having it very hard with one child that is triggering me constantly.I can't see myself out of this. It's so hard. It's our children. we wanna love them , and at times we may have children that are a very big challenge. You are not alone. And I hope things shift to the better very soon for you.

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 10:53 am

I like Nicholeen Peck on YouTube. She teaches a self governance model. That seems the most popular way to guide children with defiant personalities to a successful life.
She has sound advice and methods.

Hugs hugs hugs.

Please don’t go it alone.

Remember-my your own oxygen mask is first.

Page 1 of 1