Ds refuses time out-ideas??

amother

Steelblue

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 5:33 am

Wow, how are you physically able to drag a fighting, resisting, heavy 12 year old? I wouldn't be capable of that even with a younger child.
That being said, I'm sure that the dragging is escalating his fight-or-flight mode. Is there any other way you can protect yourselves, like locking yourselves in a room?

amother

Latte

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 5:56 am

For people who take their other kids and lock themselves all away, how do you deal with kids who refuse to do and cede their ground, and who resent having to give up whatever they were doing for the other kid? Does your kid throw things around and make messes of everyone out of frustration? And add me to the wonderers of how you manage the dragging. I imagine that sometimes you get hurt.

amother

Jade

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 6:08 am

I used to lock my son outside as well. I would ask him to go out for a breather on his own and if he didn’t comply, carry him out there myself. Usually when I allowed him back in, he was calmer so it did work. If weather is appropriate, I don’t see anything wrong with it. How does he do in school ? What causes the outbursts?

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 6:26 am

amother [ Clear ] wrote:

I take me and my other children and lock us into a room. Aggressive dc hates that and will generally de escalate. Trying to get them in a timeout always escalated things.

On the backend, we are constantly working on addressing brain inflammation, because for us that’s the root cause of the behavior.

I do the same, take myself and other dc into a room and lock the door, leaving unsafe dc out of the room. She hates it but I have to keep my dc safe. And we are also dealing with brain inflammation. And I am going to go out on a limb here and say op's dc most likely has some level of brain inflammation too.

amother

Phlox

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 6:28 am

Don't have suggestion what you should do, just some thoughts.

firstly, it absolutely needs to be dealt with. Its not a time to just let it go, tell him you love him and move on. He's 12. It's not ok for him at that age to hurt others. Angry outbursts is normal, actually getting physical needs more help.

I would reach out to parenting expert and sit down 1:1, tell them everything, and get some guidance. I personally like that more than a parenting course that takes weeks and is geared for many types of kids and situations.

No, you are not abusive. You are trying to be mechanech your son.

My friends mom was disciplining one of her kids (many years ago). She locked him out of the house. A police officer passed and came to investigate. He asked her what happened. She said "I'm dealing with him now so you don't have to in 10 years from now" He thanked her and left.

naomi2

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 6:32 am

Read the explosive child by Ross Greene

Also all those putting kids in time out, try staying with them in time out. For younger kids for sure

amother

Yolk

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:04 am

Zehava wrote:

Blimie is not at all based on nurtured heart. Gentle parenting is in many ways in direct opposition to nurtured heart. Just wanted to clarify that.

can you explain the difference between the two approaches?

Zehava

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:12 am

amother [ Yolk ] wrote:

can you explain the difference between the two approaches?

Nurtured heart is pretty rigid and rule-based, while gentle parenting is more flexible and up to interpretation. Nurtured heart is about rewards while gentle parenting strongly discourages that.
Mostly though it’s in the attitude.
Nurtured heart is “follow this approach to change your child’s behavior”
While gentle parenting is about respecting the child and understanding what needs they are communicating with their behavior.

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:20 am

Zehava wrote:

If I'm not mistaken, nurtured heart updated their method a couple of years ago and I don't think it includes rewards/privileges anymore. I am by no means recommending their method but I do like to use some parts of their program as a means me connecting with my children.

Zehava

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:36 am

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

You do you
The way I see it done, and the way some people tried convincing me to do it, there were loads of rules and rewards involved.

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:39 am

Zehava wrote:

You do you
The way I see it done, and the way some people tried convincing me to do it, there were loads of rules and rewards involved.

I wouldn't know, I'm way too scatterbrained to stick to anything that has loads of rules TMI

lol.

Zehava

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:40 am

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

I wouldn't know, I'm way too scatterbrained to stick to anything that has loads of rules TMI

lol.

And I’m way too much of a rebel. Which is why I dismissed it the second I heard about all the rules.

amother

Yolk

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:41 am

Zehava wrote:

And I’m way too much of a rebel. Which is why I dismissed it the second I heard about all the rules.

You’ve mentioned learning about 5e role of a parent. Where did you read about that I. A way that resonated with you?

amother

Clear

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:47 am

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

I agree.

Zehava

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 10:02 am

amother [ Yolk ] wrote:

You’ve mentioned learning about 5e role of a parent. Where did you read about that I. A way that resonated with you?

I mostly followed accounts on insta like Blimie hellers and sterna suissa. Sterna is kind of extreme but I relate to the basic concepts, even though practically I wouldn’t live like that.
For the overall concept applying to any relationship, nonviolent communication is a great book.

amother

Yolk

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 10:43 am

Zehava wrote:

I do follow Blimie and it’s been life-changing. Not only in my parenting but my approach to myself too.
I followed Sterna for a hot minute and it wasnt for me.
Thanks for the book recommendation.

behappy2

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 10:51 am

I would take the 12 year old out on a walk. Talk to him and calm him down.

If he can calm himself down I would:

Send him on a walk

Send him to take a bath

Whatever coping skills need has to calm himself down.

And I would want to get to the root of why this is happening. I would reach out for help.