My Neighbour keeps on sending her daughter over.

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:39 pm

Op the fact that you prefer not to have a child over IS a legitimate reason not to have over.

You feel conflicted saying no because you are discounting your own feelings.

Accept that this is a legitimate reason and say no. You do not have to prioritize other people's preferences always over your own.

You will feel much better. It gets easier. And then when you say yes you will mean it.

mizle10

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:46 pm

I used to be like that and got very good at saying no to kids.

So sorry sweetie, it's not a good time right now. See you a different day! And close the door.

tweety1

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:06 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

So we'll said. Because generally when people ask me for favors I have no problem saying no. Somehow, when that kid comes knocking on the door I just can't slap him in the face because his mother is lacking something.

tweety1

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:08 pm

My family always tells me that when they need a favor they call me first because I don't have an issue being honest as to when I can and when I can't. It's totally different when that innocent child knocks on the door.

Kiwi13

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:12 pm

If she sends the child to knock or always comes with the child, and you don't want to have the discussion in front of her (probably wise), maybe call or text the mom at a different time to say it's not always a good time and you need more of a heads up on the request than that?

amother

Mint

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:13 pm

My kids go to play by neighbors all the time- and I expect the moms to send them right back if it’s not a good time. And I love when they send their kids over without asking first- if it’s not a good time I send them home.
Maybe she thinks this is the set up you guys have.

amother

Peach

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:20 pm

Op I can definitely relate, I am also terrible with saying no. My neighbors 4 year old is literally always here, and on top of that is always asking for food!! It’s really annoying but I have a really hard time putting my foot down..

amother

Moonstone

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:33 pm

What gets ME is when the neighbors’ kids come over with their little siblings. I don’t have babies anymore and don’t mind when my preteens have company. But why do I have to put up with the 2-year-olds their big siblings are ostensibly watching? They make a mess their siblings do not clean up. And what am I supposed to say? ‘Sara can stay but Moshe needs to go back home?’

I try saying things like ‘Moshe is welcome to stay as long Sara cleans up after him’ but it doesn’t always work.

hodeez

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:35 pm

tweety1 wrote:

You can maybe send him off with a treat. Say sorry my kids are not available, but here's a lolli 😂

tweety1

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:36 pm

amother Moonstone wrote:

My kids are embarrassed to take their little siblings along. Occasionally I will ask them to because at the moment I'm relying on their help and they want to go out, but I NEVER win. They'd rather stay home.

amother

Canary

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:16 pm

We have a cute dog so the neighbors are always coming over and literally staying for hours on a Shabbos afternoon when my house is quiet cuz the kids went away. Sometimes I say no but mostly I let it. I try to be in touch with my true feelings and go with it

tweety1

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:18 pm

hodeez wrote:

You can maybe send him off with a treat. Say sorry my kids are not available, but here's a lolli 😂

No way! They'll be there every hour for another "lolli".

Shabbosiscoming

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:22 pm

tweety1 wrote:

No way! They'll be there every hour for another "lolli".

But their mother will stop sending them if they keep coming back with sticky lollipops. Especially if they're the ones that turn their whole mouths blue for hours.

mizle10

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:39 pm

tweety1 wrote:

I honestly don't think kids get offended by this. Kids are very black and white, they don't read into what your saying and just take it at face value that it's actually not a good time.

I hear my little kids making plans:
Do you want to play at my house on shabbos
No.
Ok. Bye.
Laugh

Cheiny

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

Im talking about little kids like 3 to 4-year-olds
This neighbor will just come and drop off her daughter to play with mine on Shabbos, or on reg day they'll call and ask if she can come over.

Due to my nature, I generally tend to say yes even when I really prefer not. I always feel like I have to give her a legitimate reason otherwise.

What do you think?

I've always believed that if my kids want to play with a friend, the polite thing to do is invite a friend to come to your house, and not the other way.

If it’s never reciprocated I’d put my foot down. Your response should just be, right now isn’t a good time. Nothing more, no excuses necessary.

tweety1

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:53 pm

mizle10 wrote:

You're right. Except when the mother is downstairs and listens into the conversation. It's not easy when the mother is downstairs waiting to see if she can leave.

amother

Ultramarine

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:53 pm

You are 100% being taken advantage of. The mom purposely sends the small child because she knows there is a better chance you won't say no. You can't have kids and then expect other people to take care of them.

mizle10

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:53 pm

tweety1 wrote:

You're right. Except when the mother is downstairs and listens into the conversation. It's not easy when the mother is downstairs waiting to see if she can leave.

But then that's your issue of not being able to say no and nothing to do with feeling like your slapping the child in the face. The kid is fine.

Goldie613

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 3:20 am

OP, would you feel more comfortable doing this in reverse?

Instead of waiting to be asked and then saying "no", can you call the mom on Thursday or Friday and say that this Shabbos isn't a great week for guests and maybe the kids can play at her house this week instead? If she says that won't work for her - or you are not comfortable inviting your kids over - then just say this week isn't a good week for guests, but you'd be happy to host again next week.

Your other option is to (sort of) level with her, and say you are happy to host her daughter, but you'd really appreciate it if the two of you can start trading off weeks (or even shifts over the same Shabbos if that works better for you) so that you can both get a chance to rest over Shabbos.

Essentially, have the conversation ahead of time so that you aren't put in a position of having to say "no".

amother

NeonOrange

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 7:39 am

I have no issue with her bringing her daughter to play. But you also need to know how to say not today, not now or only for a short time.

My 5 year old loves going to my neighbor. We try to keep it to when they are playing outside, but not always. I always tell the mother to feel free to say no and take hints when she doesn't say yes right away.

She also has a few friends on the shy side. They don't like going to other people's houses, but love playing with friends. I'll walk the block or 2 with my daughter and ask if it's a good time. I've gotten sure and I've gotten no, and I've gotten it's a busy day--how about staying for 40 min. I respect all answers. And even when it's a "sure", I try not to leave her more than an hour and a half at a time.